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Where do I go From Here?

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I've been on a giant slide...from 194-2001 And I know why. Every day there is an
"exception" .....I EVEN had a McDonald's cheeseburger yesterday...I was hungry (unprepared) and was the ' restaurant' chosen by my friend who was driving me home yesterday from visiting my mom in the hospital. It seems like every day there is some
"unavoidable" need for me to eat junk. Granted, I did not eat a quarter pounder or a big Mac....nonetheless, had a Had a bag of veggies with me, that would not have been necessary.

A big part of my problem is my husband and daughter who are less than thrilled with the food choices I have available to me on the Eat to Live program...Do I just make meals for myself? Do I cook two meals? Do I let them swing? do I cave in and just eat to please them? I know for one thing I cannot and will not do anymore. I'm sick to death of choosing foods with them in mind....because that is a guaranteed kick in the pants. All that will buy me is criticism and angst.

So what can I do? I could make some kind of salad (with cold grains, veggies and a sauce) and keep it in the fridge for myself to eat...Then I could cook something easy for them. But I don't think this is feasible. I am less and less able to cook and two meals a day is just beyond me. I may be able to cook them one meal a week of a food they both like. And ten tell them for the rest of the week that they are on their own. If they want, they are welcome to eat what I'm eating with the requirement that no complaints are allowed. This will have to suffice. I do not have the strength for anything more. And if i do not follow this eating plan....I'm going to regain all the weight I'd lost. This past week is evidence of that.

And honestly? If I can cook JUST FOR ME I might actually enjoy the process of selecting food and preparing it for myself And I need to really focus myself Actually meditate on uplifting, motivating things ....segments of the books I have of Dr. Fuhrman. quotations, Scripture...Purge out the toxic thoughts I have and try to replace that thinking with positive and God-honoring thoughts. This is a crucial juncture I'm standing on. I stand to lose (regain) all the ground I've already lost.

My husband is in the process of eating himself to death. He's eating sweets (a whole large package of M&Ms each week and chips)...I do not have to allow him to drag me down with him Today while I was in the shower after weighing myself and seeing I'd regained some more weight I had to struggle for quite a while to regain my mental equilibrium. I actually decided that I was going to ditch the diet. I've been struggling with some hopeless thoughts and felt the tug of a down the drain mind set. This whole family is unhealthy mindset---each of us are struggling wifh hopelessness. and more or less active suicidal thinking. That is a road I've walked before and one I'd promised myself not to travel again.. However the risk I'm taking by agreeing to take Actemra and MTX ,,, two extremely dangerous medications....could take my life from me without any planning or effort on my part. And I tell myself it's OK. It's a risk Im ready to take. Because I'm just as willing to lose my life as I am to receive relief. I know that's hard for someone to understand....but the fact is I'm struggling with three major illness which are NOT GOING TO GO AWAY. My life is going to be progressively difficult and more and more painful and limited ---do I want to hang around and watch that happen? No I do not. And you see? All these dilemmas must be worked out and my approach must be congruent with my desire to live and be healthy or to refuse that path. I personally believe that that card is in the Lord's deck....It's his to play. I cannot usurp his plan for me. That means I must do my best to be healthy...If death then comes...No one can say I did it to myself.

I will not seek it. Nor will I turn it away.

Sorry for the serious nature of this blog...but I needed to work that out for myself
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUDITH316
    I'm happy to hear you are going to look after you and cook healthier meals for you, I agree with your friend Susie, your daughter is quite capable to cook for herself and could cook for two with feeding her Dad, your health is so important, sorry to hear your hubby is eating like he is but you my friend need to start looking after you, here's hoping in time your DH and Daughter will want a healthier lifestyle, my prayers are with you, sending you BIG emoticon Keep pushing, you can do it... I cheer you on your journey! emoticon
    1712 days ago
    I am not sure if this is any help, but Actemra has worked wonders for me, with only slight headaches and a sore throat for the first couple days after the infusions. Had to take it with MTX (which I hate, but worked for a while), but it was not as bad as some other treatments. As usual, your luck may vary, but most of the warnings are for worst case scenarios. Get blood work to check cholesterol, and see if they can add Toradol (a long acting anti-inflammatory related to Ketoprofen) to the IV if you get headaches from it (worked wonders for me).

    Feel free to ignore--you are in a very tough situation at home. I agree that at this point they can cook for themselves, especially if they want to have a completely different meal than you. Many hugs to you, and whatever you choose, I hope you find some relief.
    1723 days ago
    I agree with the advice so many have given you. Cook what's good for you, and offer your husband and daughter "extras" to fill out their meals if they wish, or let them make their own choices and meals. They're both adults and can make a meal if they wish.

    Sending you tons of (((((hugs))))) and hope that you keep on your healthy track.
    1723 days ago
    Oh my dear Cynthia, everyone has given you such good, solid advice, so I'll leave it at that and will let you know anyway that I'm thinking of you with lots of love and emoticon and I care about you so much, to the moon and back! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1723 days ago
    Cynthia dear ,, you need to cook for yourself and your grown up daughter can cook for her self .. If hubby doesn't like what you eat .. He can cook his own or get your daughter to cook for him ..
    This is your life at stake here ..
    It's past time that you stop cooking unhealthy food ..
    Love you my lovely friend .. Sorry haven't been around much .. I am busy with my hubby too xx
    Hugs Susie emoticon emoticon
    1726 days ago
  • _LINDA
    I agree the daughter needs to step up and be more helpful. The time is now to train her to cook healthy meals. Absolutely astonishing your DH, so scared for his health before and wanting meals only on the heart health plan has done this complete reversal and is throwing it all away, what is up with that, does he feel invincible now, that it couldn't happen to him?? Wow! Your family needs a good slap upside the head and a serious wake up call!! Love Ang's suggestion!
    I surely do know what you mean dealing with serious health issues and such horrible pain and disability that will only get worse. Taking my life has never crossed my mind no matter how low I have gotten. There just seems to be that little never give up flame. It will be God's will if I leave this planet, not my own. So it is up to us to make the best of a rotten situation. Take care of YOU and let the 'healthy' ones fend for themselves.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1726 days ago
  • DIANE7786
    emoticon You posted on your Spark page that you are an empty nester. Is the daughter you're cooking for a young adult who moved back home? If so, you should insist she do all the cooking and cleaning unless she's paying fair market rent (then you can afford to hire help).

    I suggest batch cooking for yourself. Put what you make in individual serving containers for the fridge and freezer. You can have healthy meals in minutes and clean up is quick. Have you seen Sparks Mix and Match template? It's a great way to eat healthy without much cooking.

    Even though you have serious medical problems you can still have an interesting life. I agree with Dr Fuhrman to replace toxic thoughts with positive and God-honoring thoughts. Find something you like doing. Ignore the drama of others. Find a counselor who can help you do this.
    1726 days ago
    Everyone in your house should do their own cooking. That is what we do at my house and it works out fine. It sounds like that would be the best for you too. You need to be good to yourself , everyone will survive. emoticon
    1726 days ago
    I made a casserole of King Ranch chicken a few days ago. The first night I use portion control on the casserole and surround it with veggies. For the next 4 nights my DH can warm up the casserole. Today, I made a lentil veggie salad. My DH tried 2 bites. He did not like it. No problem. There are sandwich meats, leftover casserole, peanut butter. It would be hard for me not to have something for DH, but I am past cooking daily. You have too much to deal with. Time to find a sanctuary in your own home and relax there with your meal. Time for your family to grow up! So sorry you are going through this. Sending big hugs, Laurel emoticon
    1726 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/28/2013 8:39:27 PM
    I love you. I worry about your. I want you to find strength.

    Cook for you... they are grown adults and should be taking care of themselves anyway. They can switch out who cooks between themselves, and you make a couple of batch meals that you can eat throughout the week.

    This is a serious conversation I have had with my aunt who is dying of ovarian cancer. She is about at the end of anything they can do for her, and her husband and daughter always tell her to watch her weight and what she eats. She may not have another year to live, so LET HER EAT WHAT SHE WANTS. I have offered to roll over at night and suffocate him so she can live out her days peacefully. LOL

    I feel the same way about people who don't want to eat healthily when the sole person creating meals (the woman of the house) MUST eat healthy. Those who choose not to eat the meal, can make their own damn meal and then can continue to do it. These are not 5 and 7 year olds we are talking about here.


    (I used to have a happy face and an angry face sign that I would put up on my office window so people would know if it was a good time to approach. It worked out quite well. So I do believe in all kinds of signs!)
    1726 days ago
    I'm glad to hear that you finally have decided that you can only take care of you. If your daughter and your husband don't want to help and want to kill themselves so be it. YOU ARE IMPORTANT and only YOU can take the proper care of YOU. They will find a way to survive. That's what leeches do.

    Sorry. I don't mean to sound so harsh but honest to God, they make me want to scream when I hear how unhelpful and cruel (at least in your husband's case) they are to you.

    Don't back down. Your survival depends on it.

    1726 days ago
    It sounds like you are really having big problems, both my husband and I are trying to lose weight and what I do is bake everything in the oven. I use red potatos and cut them in pieces and put them in gallon bag and pour a little pure virgin oil in the bag and put them on pam sprayed cookie sheet, I usually put foil down on cookie sheet and then spray pam on it and put the potatoes and meat in the oven on 350 degrees and bake for 40 min or a little more depending on what meat you bake. I think your daughter and husband would like it. It is worth a try. If they like vegetables then fix them with the meal. Lunch I buy deli ham and turkey and my husband and I eat one piece of bread with ham and turkey with cheddar cheese, they could eat a whole sandwhich. Hope this helps you a little. Take care and don't give up because you can do this.
    1726 days ago
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