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worthless and wasting time.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

sometimes i wonder how i can be so naive! emoticon

okay, so here it is... another totally rough and honest blog....

i am worthless and wasting the time, body and spirit God gave me. no, i am not trying to gain sympathy, i just came to realize what i must think of myself, if i look at my behavior.

friends and family have invited me to many places and activities, and i almost ALWAYS say, "no" emoticon this is not because i don't want to, far from it! i really DO want to go, i really Do want to do the activity, but i say no.

what the heck? why do i do this? emoticon

well, APPARENTLY, i think i am too fat emoticon AND ugly emoticon (i guess the "proper" term is FUGLY.) do i say those words? well, i guess, SOMETIMES. but more often or not, my reason is an unconscious one. i don't want to go do "whatever" because i am too fat and unattractive.

i actually hear my inner voice saying, "you can when you are fit and your hair is colored, and cut and styled, make-up on, flattering clothes on." emoticon, (but i won't get my hair cut, styled, colored, nor will i get flattering clothes until i have lost the weight) you will be happy when you have the outward appearance is fit and beautiful. emoticon you won't have fun, you will have people staring at you, wondering why you are out looking like "that" (whatever THAT is).

on some level, i guess i think that when i hit my weight goal, and look good, then, and ONLY then can i enjoy life. WHAT THE HECK? emoticon i know better than that! then WHY do i decline? i can see people of MANY shapes and sizes doing thing i want and desire to do so badly. i ENVY them, their self esteem so high, they don't care what other people think, they KNOW they are worthy and they are gonna do what they want.

it is so crazy. if i were watching a movie about a girl who acted like this, i would feel pity for her, and remind her that she IS worthy, and let her know that she is wasting so much of her life thinking she has to look a certain way, weigh a "right" weight. tell her that God made her, and God doesn't make junk.

again, i don't do this intentionally, it just happens. i think i finally came to the realization yesterday... where i was actually conscience of what i was saying. a friend wanted me to go to the renaissance festival. and always my reply to something like that is, "oh! i would love to go, but i would feel better if i was at my goal weight. i don't want others to see me like this." really??? do i think that people walk by me and stare and wonder why i ever left the house? do i think people really care?

goodness! what is wrong with me? no one cares what i look like, so why am i so hung up on it? when i get to my goal weight will i really be happier? come on, i know better than that! more than likely i will say, "what the heck? why did i wait so long?"

if nothing else, i should go to the renaissance festival, and take pictures of myself having fun, heaven knows i would have a blast! and then go next year, at my goal weight and be able to see myself having fun BOTH times!

God gave us each a certain amount of time, am i really gonna waste it, because i don't look right? at the end of people's life their regrets are things they didn't do. not regret that they didn't look perfect.

geesh, i KNOW this! i am NOT that shallow to look only on outward appearances! emoticon in fact, i can see beauty in most everyone, but i refuse myself life, until i look a certain way. i bet you, God is up there smacking His forehead, saying, "i made you, you are beautiful, you see it in others, see it in yourself."

this blog isn't about self-pity, FAR form it! it is about me, coming to the realization that i do this to myself, subconsciously, and then, recognizing it, and doing something about it. make my bucket list, DO the things on my bucket list. i am not guaranteed a long life, i am not even guaranteed tomorrow! make every day count! i am starting today emoticon , i am gonna stop emoticon evaluate WHY i declined an invitation to do something. emoticon am i not going because i don't want to go, or something else?

enjoy life now. i am gonna be 46 yrs old, in less than two weeks. i am not gonna wast a another single day... make every day count!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand EXACTLY what you are saying!! But I bet even when you are at your goal weight with the hair done, makeup on, new clothes, etc you will find a reason not to go. You sound exactly like me. Force yourself to go, especially to somewhere that you know you will love, like the Ren Faire. Do it for all of us who understand what you are going through and are going through it to.
    1756 days ago
    I cried while reading your blog because you were describing me. It's such a painful place to be and I wish I wasn't so cruel to myself. Someone told me that I need to talk to myself the way I would talk to a friend. Would I tell her that she was too "disgusting" looking to be seen in public and she should just keep her "grotesque" self locked up in a closet? NEVER. I would be supportive, encouraging, loving..... So why can't I treat myself that way? IDK.... Thank you for writing this blog and sharing your feelings, it really helps to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this pain. I really hope you're able to get past this and start living, then will you please tell me how?
    1757 days ago
    A long time ago I read a woman's response to a question about how she could go to the beach when she was so overweight. She replied that the sun and salt water felt just as good on her skin as on anyone elses, regardless of her size. Since then I have ways reframed about how something makes ME feel, not how my size might make others feel. Who cares about that!? If you want to do something, if it will be funfor you, that is what matters. (And no one else really cares about your size, anyway, they're thinking about how THEY feel - ha)
    1761 days ago
    The first thing you need to do, is go to a beauty salon and get your hair cut, styled and dyed. This alone will make you feel better about yourself. Secondly, go out and buy you a couple of new things that will make you feel pretty. Then go out and have some fun!!! You will get on track and you will hit your goal weight. You do need to live your life with no regrets because we don't know how much time we have left.
    1761 days ago
    WOW! this is awesome. I can't wait to hear all about your new adventures you will be having by doing. none of us know what tomorrow will hold so if we don't do things now we might not be able to later.
    1761 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    I think you gave yourself some very good advice and now I hope you follow your very own advice! You are right that we all have a certain amount of time on this earth and working in a hospital with cancer pts every single day gives me a new perspective on life. Get out there and have a blast and cut your hair and get highlights and color and live each moment because you don't know what tomorrow holds.
    Everytime you think you should say no, go back and read your own blog and then go out and do the fun thing you almost said no to.
    Every day is a gift, please live life now, and I mean right now, to it's fullest!
    You can do it!

    1761 days ago
    Wow! I agree with the former responder who says she could have written your blog herself! Trust me, we all can relate to what you are feeling!!! I am 50 years old, divorced, 100 pounds overweight, and unemployed. No one looking at my life right now would realize I went to an Ivy League school, won a bunch of awards for public speaking, participated in a beauty pageant in high school, and was expected to be highly successful when I was in my 20s. Somewhere along the way, I got off track and started wasting my life. It has now been 30 years of not doing things I want to do, 20 years of being afraid to date (because I"m too ugly, too fat, too worthless, etc...), and 15 years of wearing the same old clothes because I get depressed shopping at plus size stores. Every day I wake up and realize my life is more than half over and I have not been living it. I am determined to turn this around, and I think the key is to achieve small successes that will build into an overall feeling of self-esteem and larger success. I got this point of view reading Chris Powell's book, Choose to Lose. If you have the chance, check it out, at least to read about steps for feeling better about yourself and changing your mindset. Going to the Renaissance Faire would be such a success for you. I know you will feel better if you go and have a good time with your friends. I hope you do! Good luck! emoticon
    1761 days ago
    You're not the only one by a long shot who has been missing out for the reasons you blogged about. No-one is worthless, but a lot of us have wasted far too much time. Can't go back only forward. I've squandered so much time an opportunity for being overweight, out of shape and not wanting people to see me as I've become. Well no more. I'm going to be 50 next year, and if I keep the course I've followed for the last decade or more...well I don't want to look back and feel like my life was wasted. I'll say "yes" more if you will!
    1761 days ago
    I think that many of us have felt similarly at time - labeling differently however... It's like -- we don't want to show up to something unless we look right... But that just isn't true or fair. I want to encourage you to check out fit2b.com -- Bethany is offering online help there and she is tender, thoughtful, and thinks that because Americans are increasing in obesity that fitness needs to be more gentle... She is into slow gentle movements. Hope you will find her encouraging and helpful.
    1761 days ago
    Way to go! Go have a blast at the Renaissance Festival!
    1761 days ago
  • PEG2584
    Congratulations!!! It is just wonderful that you have decided to give yourself a break and enjoy life!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1761 days ago
    It's liberating and scary and wonderful. Yup, life IS super short and you've got to make the best of what you have.
    I thought by now I'd be famous/thin/wealthy. Instead I am who I am, and I can still be happy, which is probably far more important than the other 3.

    Go get em tiger, the world is your oyster!
    1761 days ago
  • LOVE2MY3
    Oh my gosh I could have written this post! I was literally reading it and saying "yes. Yep. So true! That's totally me! " I always feel like I am crazy, and nobody else could ever be feeling the things I am feeling, but you do! Not that I'm happy that you do, but it means I'm not crazy! emoticon

    I am trying to make peace with myself no matter what size or shape I am. Every night, I do devotions and write in my prayer journal. During this time, I pray about it, and put my fears and anxieties in God's hands. I love being able to write it all out! It is amazing how much better I feel just getting it out! It's not like you say it once and are magically better, but it sure feels good to know that you've got God on your team! emoticon

    And I have to admit that the whole time I was reading this, besides agreeing with it, I was also thinking "I wish she didn't feel this way! She is an amazing person, and such an inspiration! What can I do to make her feel better?" But I really can't give out any advice when I am in the same boat! It is an eye opener to stop and think about it that way. Isn't it funny how we are always hardest on ourselves?

    My dear friend, you are amazing! You are inspiring! You are loving and caring! You are beautiful! emoticon Sending lots of love and lots of prayer your way! emoticon
    1761 days ago
    Some people call this their "A-HA!" moment.... when their self-doubt, poor self-esteem, self-sabotage, and negative self talk crystallized into perfect focus - permitting them to kick it squarely to the curb permanently!

    ! Dump that monkey off your back and start enjoying life!

    I am in the exact same place as you - and determined to like myself, take care of myself, and HAVE a damn good time along the way! We can do this!!
    1761 days ago
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