at the end
Monday, August 26, 2013
Well, I am ending the challenge in a strange place. Two things happened this past week to send me into a scurry. They had been building for a while and the blinders peeled off my eyes to help me see them truly as they are.
1. My in-laws have let my nephew move back in. Without getting too descriptive here, this makes me lose it every time. I feel like my insides really are going to explode. I have finally realized that there are so many emotions tied up into this one event that I have just been unable to deal with. When our situation with him happened, my son was very sick and spent a great deal of the next year in and out of the hospital. I really just had no where for the grief to go or the anger...I sensed last week that the emotion was just too raw to be healthy. I need some help. I am speaking with my pastor Wednesday and figuring out what I need to do.
2. Our church is looking into merging with another church. While this should be awesome and probably will be, I have not had a good 10 years of church experience. I am hauling a bag behind me I'd really like to cut the strings on. When all this came up, it cause terror in me. I recognized this week that this is not a normal reaction but a gut reaction out of a sad and crazy place in my heart. I need to let this go. I will say up front...I have no idea how to do that. But, I want to...That has to count for something. I bounced up and down this round. I did not do a great job tracking. I barely made it to the grocery store weekly. Anyone who knows me knows I am give it all. So, it was weird to be half way doing this and not even doing that well. So, I say all that to say in light of how stressed I felt with this ( our finances) our church , my in-laws. ...I feel pretty happy to not have ballooned up 10 pounds. I hope that doesn't sound like me being an excuse maker. But, maintaining right now has to be the win because I have no wins. Oh yes, I have an awesome husband and I have a roof over my head and many other beautiful things. But, I also have this grief and despair that i have to fight out of. It is time to mourn. It is time to face the ugliness. It will be exhausting. But, I have to go into this battle. The time is now.