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It May Never Come

Monday, August 26, 2013

This blog may confuse some of my newer SparkBuddies, so I attached my original blog from last year that will explain things.


Last night I was watching a reality show where a son was embraced by his father, was told he was loved and was apologized to for having treated him badly for a period of his life. Usually reality shows don’t get to me, but man, this hit home. There have been so many times that I’ve wanted my own father to do just this to me. Now, I know how my father is and I know that I may NEVER EVER get this from him whether he was truly at fault or not. I know he was, he knows he was but that doesn’t mean he’s going to admit it or apologize for what he’s done. Ever since I confronted him last year I’ve subconsciously waited for him to come to his senses, embrace me and tell me, “Britt, I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Yeah, right.

Not only has this NEVER happened, but my father actually stopped talking to me for 3 days after I confronted him. He complained to my mother about me, telling her, “I did NOT hit her like that!”

So why do I continue to “wait”? I couldn’t tell you, but I guess I just hope that some sort of voice inside him speaks some sense into him so that maybe he and I could have a relationship. It’s sort of strange, there are times when I’d like a relationship with him and times when I could honestly care less (this is most of the time actually). Perhaps I want to leave things in a good place when I leave CA, perhaps I want to clear the air before his health takes a turn for the worse. I seriously don’t know. All I do know is that I feel like he owes me this and I feel like I deserve at least him acknowledging his wrong doing.

What if it never comes? It may not. I feel like I’ve healed somewhat from what happened to me, I guess I just wish my Dad would be a man and accept that perhaps he’s made some mistakes in his life.

I do know that you don’t always get what you wish for and things don’t always work out for the best.

A girl can hope can’t she?

An apology may never come. Acknowledgement may never come. If it never does, I will accept it and move on. There are 3 people that know what really took place all of those years: me, my father and God. If my Dad chooses not to say a thing, I’ll always know because I’ll never forget.

Like I said in my letter to him, “Dad, I can forgive, but I will not forget.”
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    U are doing amazing, sweetheart! U have come a very long way with this issue and I am BEYOND proud of u! This shows yet another step in the healing process....accepting things u cannot control or change. I love you with all of me and will be here for u thru it all!

    1699 days ago
  • BINGO24
    My dear friend, your father's apology may never come, but you can still continue your healing. You have come such a long way from when you kept that pain all inside you and let it eat away at you. You have moved on to a better place in your life. Hopefully, eventually, you will get that apology. But if it never comes, it was not because of anything you did wrong. Now your future is so much brighter! Look forward to the great things you have ahead of you and maybe all the new and wonderful things you have coming in your life will help to make the pain lessen over time. I hope so because you are worth it!

    Love and hugs, emoticon emoticon Nancy
    1700 days ago
  • LORI2562
    1701 days ago
    Just keep spending time with your Heavenly Father. If your earthly father doesn't come around, there are always the arms of your Heavenly Father to fall into. emoticon
    1701 days ago

    Were you watching Iyanla? Her last episode on Saturday night was all about that.

    I am sorry for your pain yet I see that the result of that pain is your strength.
    Hold on tight.

    God bless, love, Ginger
    1701 days ago
    My gosh. You've been through a LOT. I do believe in forgiving, but I would never, ever forget. Ever. That would negate everything you've learned along the way, to me. So, be proud . . . VERY proud of the person you've become. Realize that people such as your Dad generally are NOT going to apologize, as has been said . . . in this lifetime or probably any other either. So, that expectation is just going to grind @ you. Let it go as much as is humanly possible. It would be a wonderful surprise if it DID happen, but counting on that . . . waiting for that . . . well, it could end up to be endless disappointment. Life is way too short for that. And Our Father knows "the deal". God knows. So, ultimately in one way or another, your Dad will be accountable.

    HUGS and definitely . . . keep praying . . . for YOU! Keep up that emotional strength that has made you the strong woman you are now.

    1701 days ago
    I haven't read your other blog, I just did. I'm gonna be harsh but sometimes I don't believe in second chances. I know it's not an example of a good Christian but I simply believe that there are people who don't deserve it because they had a choice to be better people and they chose to walk away from it. I think that Vietnam did a lot of "damage" to the people who fought that war (I have seen it in movies etc) but there is nothing that explains his behavior. I hope that he'll understand at some point that what he did was more than wrong, but I don't count on it.

    The only thing I wish for is for you to be happy, because you deserve all the happiness in the world! From what I read you had a parent who truly cared about you: your grandma. Every time you feel like you need this apology from your parents try to remember that you are a strong and beautiful person who managed to be herself no matter the circumstances. I have told you before, you are a fighter!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1701 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    Keep praying!

    P - PRAY
    U -UNTIL

    I hope he comes around & realizes he owes you an apology! Stay strong! emoticon
    1701 days ago
    Believe it or not prayer changes things! Keep it lifted up in prayer, that day may come before you know it - or God will fix it in the manner He sees fit! Be blessed!!
    1701 days ago
    I am so sorry.
    1702 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Yup! Same here with my mother,, I know it will never happen in this lifetime. However, I have learned through years of counseling and programs, that I will never again expect apple juice by squeezing an orange.
    Hope, not expectations, makes life easier..
    1702 days ago
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