Sometimes the past comes back to haunt you
Monday, August 26, 2013
So, last night I wasn't interested in the VMAs. Apparently, I missed quite the show, but I'm sure I will see bits and pieces of the good stuff. I already saw clips of Miley Cyrus...what a mess.
Anyway, I was browsing through Netflix, and I came across "The Fat Boy Chronicles." It was about an overweight boy who struggles to lose weight while in high school. That struck a cord in me, so I watched it. The movie itself was so-so, but it sure did bring back a lot of memories.
I was always the "big" girl when I was a kid. I was the tallest student in the 5th grade. The irony is, I am the same height then that I am now! I stalled out at 5'2.
I have a lot of memories from my childhood, so many good ones. My parents are wonderful people who gave me a great life, but the memories that stick out the most are the ones regarding my weight. So, I've decided to list the ones that always come to my mind. Maybe if I put them out there I can work on moving past them. Now most of this stuff happened 20+ years ago. I've talked about it with friends, and they have said, "Why does it still bother you? You're not big now!" While that's true, some things cannot be forgotten no matter how hard you try. I believe these experiences have given me the self-esteem issues I have now. And who knows? Maybe they are part of my yo-yo dieting issues.
So, here it goes:
1) While attending a Father-Daughter Dance for my Brownie troop, the fathers had to kneel on one knee and the girls would walk around then. When the music stopped, you had to find a knee to sit on (musical chairs, but this just sounds creepy now that I think about it). The music stopped, and my dad was on the other side, so I sat on some other dad's knee. He took a sharp breath and rolled his eyes. Now, was he rolling his eyes at the game? Maybe, but my 8 year old self knew that he wished he had someone lighter on his knee.
2) While shopping for back to school clothes with my mom, I grabbed a pair of pants. My mom looked at the size and said, "These are a small. You don't wear a small, I wear a small, you need a large." I remember swallowing back tears in the dressing room.
3) While talking to my mom, I mentioned I would like to get down to a size 4. She replied, "If you ever get down to a size 4, I'll buy you a new wardrobe." I have gotten down to a size 4, but I never brought it up to my mom. I feel like I am making my mom sound awful, she isn't. She is a wonderful, loving mother and grandmother who I don't think knew what to do with an overweight kid.
4) Middle school was a nightmare. Awful. The girls in my school all played soccer and had a lot of money. They always bragged about being able to shop at Smith Brothers, which was the trendy store. During a conversation, they said, "You wouldn't be able to fit into anything there, Laura." Gee thanks. Then there was the bus. The girls were terrible to me. They would call me names and throw things at me and pull my hair. I walked off that bus nearly every day in tears.
5) High school. It wasn't awful, but I didn't really enjoy it until Junior and senior year. A vivid memory sticks out of the time I was wearing sweatshirt that had the numbers 755 on it. One boy looked at it and said, "What's that? Your weight?" The funny thing is I'm friends with him on facebook, and he commented on how good I looked in a picture. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, remember what you said to me?" But, I never have enough guts.
Wow, this is long. But, it's cathartic. I needed to get that out. Just recently, at my cousin's baby shower, I was sitting with my mom, my aunt, and some cousins. My mother mentioned to my aunt that I was a picky eater (I'm not, I think she meant that I like to pick healthy thing, she phrased it wrong.) My aunt replied, "A picky eater? She doesn't look it!" Tears sprang to my eyes. It was like being 10 all over again.
I may not be the "big" girl anymore, but she still lives in me. And some days, I just wish she'd shut the hell up.