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Panic attack. Send food.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I have a panic/anxiety disorder. I haven't had a problem for months but with the spiraling anxiety awaiting the birth of our first long-awaited grandchild (due in 3 days) I have started feeling that panicky feeling over the last couple of days. I first noticed on Friday when we went out to eat. The lights seemed to be flashing and I started getting that "I have to get out of here" kind of feeling. Then this morning as we're getting ready for church it completely bubbled over I started crying and told my husband just to take our daughter and go without me. I'm really struggling this morning. I told him it probably wasn't the smartest thing for me to decide to get back on Sparkpeople when the anxiety is ratcheting up. I'm like an alcoholic. I deaden my emotions by stuffing food in my mouth. My first thoughts this morning when I'm feeling too whacked out to go to church is that I want to go to the Chinese Buffet. Eat a couple of days worth of calories in one go. That will make me feel better won't it? Of course, I always get it to go. I wouldn't want anyone to actually see me eating that much food. It's an unending cycle. I'm ashamed that I look this way and I'm ashamed when I give in and eat to my emotions. I'm trying to let my emotions out here and not pick up the keys to my car. I've planned my lunch on my nutrition tracker and somehow I have to work through these emotions myself without giving in to the temptation. Some days I wish I was like my Mom. She was addicted to cigarettes, caffeine, and prescription medicine but she was tiny and petite. That is more socially acceptable than to have an addiction that not only is visible but also effects your health. I just wish I didn't have to deal with any of it. My daughter having a baby is a dream come true. I should be happy and I really am. Why am I crying? Why am I wanting to eat vast quantities of cookies? Why can't I just be a normal person?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I think most of my anxiety stems from not being THERE. My daughter lives 2 1/2 hours away. Not only does it drive me crazy not knowing what's going on but I always have it in the back of my head that I might get a 3 AM phone call and have to race to Kentucky. That, and her older brother and sister (my 2 oldest) both have Cerebral Palsy. Her husband's sister has lost 2 children, one miscarried and one at birth. They've been following her closely and say that everything is normal but until I know Amie is OK and get to hold the baby and count 10 little toes etc I'm going to be a wreck. Amie says she is OK even if the baby does have handicaps. That it won't bother her but I know how hard that life is and I wouldn't wish it on any other mother.

    Thanks for the encouraging words everyone. I'm feeling much better today. 2 days until her due date. emoticon

    1700 days ago
    The bubbling over of emotions doesn't always make sense...It IS normal to be filled with all kinds of emotions at this time, of course there are the usual happy feelings and I know you also have all the fears and concerns that any mother/grandmother would have. The way that we express all these feelings varies based on many things. What's normal? Ok, so we have de-bunked that label...normal is as normal does...but the struggle you have is so very real because you know that your normal is self destructive. It took a lifetime to set a pattern of coping mechanisms that have not served you well, it will take the rest of your life to reset those patterns, one small step at a time. Did writing about this help to take a little of the power out of the panic? I hope it did. I often use these SP blogs as my own personal therapy. Where else can we say these things and find that there are others out there who understand?

    Deep breath.....cyber hugs.
    1700 days ago
    I have had panic attacks and they are tough. Sometimes I am not even able to pinpoint the reason but usually has to do with too much to do and not enough time or energy. emoticon
    1700 days ago
    Don't be paniced about a grandchild--I have just one and he is the wonderful!
    1701 days ago
  • AJB121299
    1701 days ago
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