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Thursday, August 22, 2013

A study has found that some people can suffer symptoms of withdrawal when they are forced to stay away from social media sites. This is why I'm not even on Facebook. I update my high school yearbook manually with a pen. -Jimmy Kimmel

Today is Thursday. Or what I like to call on Friday, 'yesterday.' -Jimmy Fallon

Recently, in one of the New York City subway cars, they found a dead shark. Other passengers just thought he was sleeping so they didn't say anything. The Transit authority suspects foul play. -David Letterman

This is bad for the city because now there's been a huge drop in marine predator tourism. People used to laugh at me for carrying a spear gun on the subway, but who's laughing now? -David Letterman

So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he's OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker. -David Letterman

Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots. -David Letterman

The Republicans in Congress voted to repeal ObamaCare for a fortieth time today. It’s really now less a governing philosophy; it’s more like Charlie Manson applying for parole. -Bill Maher

The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act? -Jay Leno

In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name, Carlos Danger, as a joke. Weiner was like ‘Come on, what’s funnier than the name Carlos Danger?’ They we’re like, ‘uh, Anthony Weiner?’ -Jimmy Fallon

There’s a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, ‘It’s going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You’re going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings – I need the whole deal.’ -Jay Leno
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