Digging Myself Out
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
It's hard to look deep into yourself, sometimes. It wears me out more than an hour of physical exercise (which I haven't done in quite some time...unless you count extreme house cleaning). Maybe it's because I have been on auto pilot for so long. Going through the motions and not thinking. Which has led to a bout of depression. Self examination, self contemplation, self awareness, self anything has just been something that I have avoided. But, there comes a point when you can't look the other way. You have to deal with it. So, if I'm going to deal with it...it's going to be head on. No more dancing around the issues.
As some of my SparkFriends know, my daughter died a little over two years ago. That, I know, is what sent me into a downward spiral. I think it would to anybody. Numbness set in and left me all but a shell of my former self. I use to enjoy getting out and going and doing. Not any more. I can come home from work and hibernate until it's time to go to work the next day. Weekends are more of the same. I use to love going to yard sales, estate sales, going to the beach and sitting on the Boardwalk, going with friends to eat. Nope. I can stay in the house and piddle all weekend long and not even step outside of the house. Which makes for a clean house...but that's not the point.
And, Lord knows, dear hubby has been more than patient and understanding. I know he feels the same pain as I am feeling, but he is handling it much better than I am. He is Super Hubby! If it wasn't for him I don't know what I would do! He has patiently and gingerly guided me to the realization that I have to crawl my way out of my hole. He talked me into trying out for a play (something I loved to do in the past) and connecting with new people. I truly enjoyed it. And, he got "volunteered" for a part as well and did a fabulous job! And, although, he is nudging me back in to the "real world"...I know I have to make the effort to re-connect. He can't do it for me. I have to do it myself.
So, here comes the hard part for me. The self-examining, the digging down deep and understanding myself again. Motivating myself to get out and go and do and start participating in life again. And, that means getting re-activated in SparkPeople. Getting my body fit again by logging my food and exercise so I can see my progress (and see where I need to work on things). Getting out and just walking around the neighborhood would help my mood tremendously. I know that. Maybe I'll even hit a yard sale this weekend! But, let's just take it one step at a time.