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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Couldn't think of a good blog title, so today's date it is. There's only 27 days left until I get married. It's crazy and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that fact. September 14 is rapidly approaching. Kind of having a hard time with it, though. The wedding planning is going okay and my mom and uncle finally did make up. Just really stressed out. We still have to pay for the judge and get a CD player and get the marriage license. Not a lot, but there is a bit of a problem. I blew all the wedding fund money I had, which was about $300 on junk food. Yep, you read that right. I blew ALL of it on food that I didn't need. Let's just say I'm nowhere near proud of myself on that one. And I'm having issues with feeling lonely. My fiance and I are rarely ever in the same room, and even when we are, we don't really talk, and when we do talk, it's not a deep or fulfilling conversation. I know I should probably tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid to. I don't want to make things worse, ya know?

Anyway, I've also just had a really bad weekend. You know, I left work Friday and was in a pretty good mood. The day went by fairly quickly, just gotten paid, and it was finally a weekend after having worked a 6 day week, had one day off, then went straight into working another 5 days (seriously, who does this with an office job!?) and it just went straight to hell. Got a phone call from work asking information about this phone call I took from someone ordering propane and the boss was throwing this huge BF (b**** fit) about it and all that jazz. I blew it off and went on with my evening. Got in the shower to scrub the day away and my fiance comes in saying my phone rang again, it was his mom and I work with her, and I guess things had gotten even worse. I had gotten some information wrong and the boss completely lost his temper and she started screaming and cursing at him so bad about his poor attitude, which let's face it he's the super devil, the real devil probably would pay better and have opportunities for advancement, so bad that the office manager told her to go home to avoid things getting even worse. So that was just the cherry on the cake. Couldn't even enjoy my shower anymore. It's amazing how that "man" can ruin things even when you're not there anymore. Anyway, needless to say, I was really upset at that point cuz I knew I was gonna hear about it on Monday. Yes, I'm still looking forward to that So I just said screw it all, decided I was gonna get drunk and watch horror movies and just be numb. I had almost a full bottle of grape flavored vodka. Which actually tastes pretty darn good. Don't even need a chaser to drink it straight. But that's beside the point. That is a big bloody bottle. I think it's 340 mL. Not sure. I'd have to look, but I don't even want to look at that bottle right now. I drank a shot every 10-15 minutes for about 4 hours. Like I said, almost a full bottle of that stuff. I was drunk after a couple hours and I just kept going when I should have stopped at that point. I finally stopped and it just got worse from there. I couldn't see anything. My heart was pounding and I couldn't breathe. I kinda felt like I'd been working out for several hours. At that point, I knew I was really, really bad off. I started to get scared. I wasn't sick to my stomach or anything, but I was about 10 sheets to the wind. I suffered trying to make sure I stayed awake to make sure I was still breathing for about 15 minutes, then made the choice that I had to get some of that liquor out. I went and stuck my finger down my throat to get what I could out. Not the healthiest thing to do, probably, but I don't regret it. Cheaper than going to the ER for alcohol poisoning. So, I got rid of what I could and I just sat there on my knees and I bawled like I've never bawled before. Finally got myself to stop crying, got up, splashed cold water on my face and rinsed out my mouth, and went to bed. Turned on the TV so I could have some light and something to listen to. I didn't want to sleep. I was scared. But I passed out after about another 15 minutes. I've never passed out before, but this time I did. I did wake up the next morning (obviously, or I wouldn't be typing this), and my throat feels like it's been through the grinder and my head is pounding, blah blah blah. Those of you who have been hungover know what's up. But my "favorite" part was how I looked in the mirror. Purple splotches all over my face and even in my eyes. Must've broke some blood vessels while I was on the floor. I've only ever been hungover 3 times now cuz I drink so much water, but this was complete and total hell. I spent the day in my room watching movies and eating simple carbs and drinking water. I feel better today, but I'm still mad at myself for having done that. So's my body, for that matter. It's still working on repairing the damage I inflicted on it. Got on the scale. Between Friday's stupidity and almost 3 months of binge eating, that bloody 3 is back. And I'm even heavier now than when I was 20. So I'm not happy about that. At all.

But I'm going to try something here. I created a whole new meal plan. I'm having foods that I've either never tried before or haven't had in a very long time. It's my hope that my giving my taste buds something new to enjoy, I won't want to get junk food. And I'm also hoping to get back on the fitness wagon. I miss how exercise made me feel. I really need to get back on it. Anyway, I think I'm done with this rather long blog. Sorry to overshare. Just wanted to get some things off my chest. I hope life is treating you all well. Later.
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  • LINDA!
    I agree with the other comments. I know that my husband can often not understand what I am saying or not want to talk about things. But if you sincerely talk to him about what is on your mind it will help. After you are married, you will need to communicate or there could be serious issues between the two of you.

    Finances are tight as you first get married. Please take time to talk to your fiancé about a budget.

    I am so sorry about your stress. emoticon
    1768 days ago
    You have a lot of very stressful things going on - from the wedding to your health to craziness at work. Mirmium is right. Finding a healthy way to deal with all that stress will make a huge difference for you. And you CAN - you have before. I know it all seems overwhelming right now. Just sitting down and talking with your fiance may help. He may be feeling the same way you are and is also hesitating to share. And you guys will share a LOT in the years to come!
    1768 days ago
    Well I'm glad you got some things off your chest! It sounds like you've been under a LOT of stress recently. I'm sorry that it all drove you to drinking. I think of stress as a big motivator to drink. I remember doing my undergrad and we would do big binge drinking nights. I really lost the urge to do that after much of that stress was eliminated. There was a time when I started having a glass of wine while doing my work to take some of the edge off of the stress I was feeling.

    It is a tough cycle and probably pretty similar to emotional eating. Alcohol is comforting and helpful for stress but like food, it's not a healthy solution to it. Of course you know that already but in certain moments it is hard to remember that.

    Exercise IS a good and healthy way to combat stress and anxiety. Before I had my foot injury, I used to put myself through a crazy workout whenever the stress and anxiety got too bad. It always made me feel much better. It kind of puts things in perspective and whatever was bothering you doesn't seem so bad. Next time you are in one of those moments, give it a try. The angrier and the more frustrated you are, the more you push yourself. I think part of the reason I always found it so helpful was because you can physically push back against something that you feel helpless about.

    Best of luck with the wedding stresses! I don't know if you need to have a sit-down talk with your fiance but maybe you can make some plans to do some joint activities together. That would make ensure that you have some together time and you could plan to work on some wedding stuff together to help get that closeness back.

    1769 days ago
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