Here goes something
Sunday, August 18, 2013
I am just going to start somewhere and maybe, just maybe I'll get to where I need to be.
I spent so many years wanting to grow up and be an adult. Frustrated my grandma on numerous occasions. I can still here her voice telling me, "Slow down. You'll be out on your own soon enough. It's rough out there."
This month on August 14th, my grandma has been gone a year. Some days I am ok because I know she's not hurting anymore. Other days, I just can't seem to get her off my mind. I am finding it hard to forgive myself for not being with her more.
Then comes in the part where I am ok with not seeing her more than I did or call her as often as I should have. I remind myself that the reason I did this is because grandma was always helping someone and I didn't want her to think all I wanted was her help. I understand that people want to feel needed but she always had someone she was helping. I did call her but I never talked to her about my finances except that I would try to make sure I paid my bills. I didn't like asking her for anything because she had always done so much before. I always let her bring it up. I mainly called to let her know how the kids and I were doing. She seemed to appreciate it. We ended our conversations with "I love you," each saying it to the other.
Most days I don't want to get out of bed and move around. I feel ugly, fat, unmotivated and guilty all at the same time. I am having trouble keeping to a schedule for anything; exercise, meals, and even sleep. I try to stay off the computer as much as I can. I make myself get up out of bed only to end up planting my rear in a chair. I get up to get something to drink or go to the bathroom. As I sit here, I look at my exercise equipment and get more irritated at myself for not using it. Then I get up and my left ankle and both feet remind me that I still need to get them fixed somehow. In a month I probably have maybe 7 to 10 days of feel good days where I am active and motivated. The rest is just all downhill. I constantly move around in my chair for two reasons; 1) I am very uncomfortable and 2) I don't want to fall asleep. If I sit down to long I fall asleep. Right now I am fighting to keep my eyes open and I have had 7 hours of sleep. Basically, I was ok until I ate my breakfast.
The eating thing is just on my nerves really bad. I know I need some to survive but even when I think of it that way, I feel guilty. I know that as soon as I eat I will fall asleep. I kept a record for 3 months, with the help of friends, of my sugar levels before and after I ate. What I ate and drank. My friends helped because sometimes I couldn't even get to the restroom. My sugar drops when I eat. The only time I feel somewhat ok is when it is between 90-100. If it goes higher or lower than that I get a headache, nauseous, blurry eyed and irritable. I mainly keep a headache and nausea. According to the endocrinologist, there isn't anything wrong. Yet the blood work showed a vitamin deficiency and levels of something that finally alerted my family doctor to send me to the specialist. I was told it was in my head and that I was fine. Then I come to find out that two of my medicines hide the symptoms that I was having.
My medication schedule has been out of sync a bit. I don't know that may be why I feel like this. But these feelings have been going on for a few months now. Yes, I do have someone I talk to. Maybe it's time to do something about my medication. Time to change it up again maybe?!
On a good and loving note, I love my children and am very proud of them. Both my young ones are in 8th grade, my oldest has a job and my young man of 18 is taking care of what he needs to. I overheard the older two telling some of their friends about things I taught them that they still use today. However, I wasn't supposed to know that. LOL
Well, this is somewhere. I am here now. Thank you all.
Loves and Hugs,