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The fighter in me..

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Just a warning, this isn't completely meant to be a depressing blog, more so to get some stuff out of my head and explain why it fueled me today.

I had a rough night last night. I've been feeling lonely lately, and of course, hormones aren't helping it. I was lying in bed scrolling through FB last night, and feeling like everyone on my list is getting into relationships, getting married, having the wonderful little families that I always wanted.. What I tried to have, but that blew up in my face. I mean, who the hell gets married at 17, turns into a chain smoking alcoholic at 18 to deal with her cheating abusive alcoholic husband, then becomes a single mom at 19 because he bailed when she said she wanted a divorce after the kiddo was born? Oh right, that was me. I know the past is the past and I can't change it, but the crap I went through at such a young age haunts me, and it probably always will. I had music on, and was just laying there sobbing. One of the songs that came on that will ALWAYS get to me is "Stupid Boy" by Keith Urban. If you haven't heard it, listen to it, or look up the lyrics. The whole song he is talking about basically a guy that destroyed a girl. "You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans". Before I met my ex husband, I planned to join the military after graduation. I wanted to travel, I wanted to make a career for myself. I wanted to learn to live on my own, to support myself, to learn how to be an adult. Instead, I graduated and got married, moved away to a place where I knew no one, and headed down a dark and devastating path. Now I'm here, 23 years old, working at a crap retail job, still having to have my parents pay most of my bills because I don't make enough to support myself, trying to raise a child alone, and lets face it, probably going to end up being alone forever because what guy is going to want a girl with as many problems and issues as I have? It's to the point where if I even meet a guy that I'm interested in, I write him off because I convince myself that he won't want anything to do with me past friendship. I don't give myself the chance to get my hopes up, cause they always get crushed. It's pretty awful, but its habitual by now. All these thoughts were going through my head for a good portion of the night, so needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.

This morning, I had to force myself into a workout because I skipped Zumba (was at 8 am and I opted to sleep instead). I chose to do HIIT 25 from TurboFire. All through the workouts, Chalene is always encouraging you to push harder, to tell yourself how strong you are, to talk to yourself and tell yourself that you CAN do it. And that's what I was doing through the entire workout. And halfway through, in the middle of jumping lunges, I started crying. Not the bad kind of cry, more of (I think) a proud yet disbelieving cry. My prat of an ex may have stole everything about my innocence, my personality, my dreams, my hopes, my plans, my life.. But the one thing he was never able to take from me was my determination. My will to want to be better. My stubbornness that forces me to do what people say I can't. My desire to succeed. The fighter in me is still there, and even though she is still buried under the rubble and trying to claw her way to the surface, she IS THERE. She is gasping for air. She is screaming that she will succeed. She is throwing her middle finger to everyone that has ever mocked her, ever pushed her down, ever said that she CAN'T. The world may not see the fight that's inside of her, but she is finding it. She will force herself out of her comfort zone in order to see the results she wants to see. Before long, the world will see her and not recognize who she is, for she will have changed for the better. She won't let anyone hold her down anymore, not even herself. She will push, she will strive, she will get what she wants, and what she deserves. And no one will tell her she won't, or that she can't.

This has been a horrid week, both emotionally and physically, but I'll be damned if I will let anything stop me from finishing strong. Make the best of this weekend lovely Sparkies.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    A lot of what you've written about your past and experiences sound very familiar to me.
    All you can do is keep fighting for you, for your kid. If you're not satisfied with what you have, then do your utmost to change it (this is why I've started studying again, age 35!) and if you are satisfied with what you have, good for you!!
    Keep on being strong!! You can do it!! emoticon
    1766 days ago
    You are awesome and strong!
    1766 days ago
  • BRADMILL2922
    Have I ever mentioned that I hate Facebook? Well, I do hate it and that is one reason why. Actually, I heard about a study the other day that said that people can make themselves depressed. It is hard not to look at some of that stuff and just think how do I live such a different life. They are married and having babies and going to concerts and have dream jobs, blah blah blah...but the funny thing is, they may not be happy deep down either and just show you what is good in their life. It is hard sometimes but you can't compare yourself with others.

    You have been through a lot of hard stuff and you went through it at a young age. It stinks. It is hard to deal with those memories but you have learned from them and you are making strides to improve yourself. You will continue to better yourself and no, those memories will never fade but when you are happy with where you are and things are going well (and they will) you will look back at those things and know that despite the struggle, they helped make you the person you are!

    I know you have the fighter in you! I can tell it is in you! It may not want to come out on a Saturday morning after a tough week, but guess what? In the end, IT DID! You weren't going to let all that OTHER stuff win. No. YOU are going to WIN! So throw your middle finger up at all the haters! In fact, throw both middle fingers up at them! They won't stop you from finishing strong and you won't stop yourself either! You got this!
    1767 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1767 days ago
    This is all part of the process. Confronting your inner demons and tackling self-esteem issues head-on is as much of this journey as is working out and dieting. To be that person you truly want to be, you have to work at it from all angles.

    That fighter in you IS you. And you are amazing.
    1767 days ago
    Good for you! Stay at it and keep going. If you keep moving forward, you will keep making things better and better.
    1767 days ago
    Im glad you made your self workout. I always feel so much better when i work out.
    Thank you for posting! I need to stop the negative self talk myself. emoticon emoticon
    1767 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/17/2013 5:04:22 PM
    Keep positive. I'm 29 with no kids un married,but a boyfriend of only 2 years, but see the exact same things as you do when I scroll through Facebook. I've learned to never compare yourself to others lives as you have no idea what they have gone through and really FB is all surface/self promotion. Who doesn't want everyone thinking they have the perfect life when really they might cry when they are alone. I have had a rough run at life in the past, too much to get into on here, but just know, it's never too late.
    I went back to school going on 4 years ago, NEVER in a MILLION years did i ever think I would, I have 2 other diplomas under my belt that ended up going nowhere & my share of skeletons in my closet. I know its cliche but positive self talk is totally the key to happiness. Believing that you are good enough for ANYTHING & deserve ANYTHING really does turn the world upside down, in the right way.
    You're on teh right road to something amazing. We all have our down days, even weeks (I've stayed in bed crying all day & just wanted to disappear many times) but just know you are on the right road for success.

    you've got this & people that love you. ROCK IT GIRL.
    1767 days ago
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