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The Emotional Roller Coaster of Having Cancer

Saturday, August 17, 2013

It's early Saturday morning. I'm feeling very calm and serene right now as I sit here writing....waiting for the sun to come up. When I look back over the events of just the last 24 hours, I am at a loss for words at describing the huge range of emotions I went through.

I know, intellectually, that it's normal to be upset when you hear information that seems "life threatening" at the time, but I'm just amazed at how quickly I can go into a tailspin. Yesterday, I had a couple things happen that brought such tailspins on. First, the scheduler for the surgeon called about getting my port put in. Chemo starts in 10 days and the scheduler was telling me that the surgeon was booked up until after I had two chemo infusions scheduled unless I called and moved several other tests around so she could work me in on Tuesday. We were on the phone about 20 minutes over this and I could just feel my fustration levels hitting the ceiling while I was also going into a panic about getting the veins in my arms torn up from chemo. I think I'm going to need those veins!

After I got off the phone, I figured out who to call at Vanderbilt to get all this resolved for me (a helpful nurse). Sure enough, she told me she would get it all straighten out. In less than three minutes, the schedular called me again with a sudden opening in the schedule on Friday. Whew! You could scrape me off the ceiling and scoop me off the floor. All was right with the world again.

A little while later, I got a call from the oncologist's nurse telling me that they had scheduled an appointment for me with an endocrinologist due to a node on my thyroid that had been discovered on an MRI and then later measured on ultrasound. When I met with the oncologist, she said my ultrasound had turned out okay on my neck. After hearing this info about the appointment, I decided to pull up the ultrasound report on my medical record at Vanderbilt's website. It said that I had "multiple lesions" on both sides of the thyroid with the largest being 3.2 cm. That's bigger than the lump in my breast! In a heartbeat, I was back into "OMG, I'm doomed!" mode.

I knew there was no way I could research this without scaring myself to death. I have a great SIL that is doing research for me so I sent her the info from the report. I also told Jim about the report. Both of them came back with very encouraging research. Turns out it's very common to have these lesions and most of the time they are not cancer. I'm sure they will want to biopsy it and probably run some other test on my thyroid. I also realize that there's nothing I can do about it if it is cancerous. It's not really going to change the treatment since I'm getting chemo to treat my entire body. It is what it is.....whatever it is.

That one took some more emotional regrouping......

After all that, a friend happened to send me some encouraging information about some research. Now, I was back to normal again. I had hope....

Amazing to me how quickly I can cycle through so many emotions right now. I know it's normal at a time like this....but it's still amazing.

I want to write about the good things that happened yesterday.

First, the nurse that told me she would get it worked out....was such a blessing.

Second, I went to my first yoga class in several years. It was heavenly!

Third, I had a great talk with the yoga instructor afterward (she remembered me from before).

Fourth, my husband, Jim, continues to astound me with the depth of his love.

Five, other than for about four hours in the afternoon where I was on that emotional roller coaster, the rest of the day was actually very pleasant and filled with gratitude.

Life is good.....very, very good!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hugs to you. I have a dear friend going through treatment now and yesterday my doctor told me he needed me to go for a mammogram for something questionable, so that is next week. I'm 36 and I'm hoping this is nothing!
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    Comment edited on: 8/17/2013 10:41:15 PM
    I, too, am glad you had good research rather than relying on the 'Net. Anyone can post a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g on the 'Net whether it's fact or stay with your SIL's reliable research.

    My thoughts & prayers are with you as you conquer the disease and return to good health. Stay positive and try to imagine your SP friends cheering you on and standing beside you (even though you can't see us!) Lots of good vibes comin' your way from me!
    Nancy emoticon
    1767 days ago
    We are here for you, to listen, loan a shoulder, and pray.

    1767 days ago
    In this day & age it is amazing what they can do! I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers!
    1768 days ago
    The first few weeks after a diagnosis are horrible . . . so much to get done in such a short amount of time, and scheduling conflicts just add to the frustration. Thank God for that wonderful nurse that He sent your way just when you needed her!
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    1768 days ago
    Wowsa...that was QUITE the roller coaster ride! I'm sooo happy and thankful for that nice and knowledgeable nurse. They are truly blessings when they are good ones...we had a few that took care of our baby boy that were truly angels!

    No matter what happens or what anyone tells you...Kay knows best what is best for Kay. Just get into a nice silent state and ask your body what it wants and needs to get well. It WILL tell already has started to.

    I know that you are such a smart intelligent cookie you will come through this with flying colors!

    I KNOW you will..and I'm a little bit psychic don't ya know! emoticon

    This is just your body's KAY time now...listen up! And listen up you will be better for it and you know what is good for you in your treatment plan and what might not be so good for you...listen carefully to your own true self!

    I'm cheering you on beautiful woman and beautiful friend of mine! emoticon emoticon
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  • MICHELE142

    Keep a tight hold on STRESS! Cancer Cells love stress. Hang on with the Yoga and use it often. emoticon
    1768 days ago
    You are an amazing woman!!
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    I went on a similar ride with my cousin, one from which I never fully recovered. Of course, I'm not saying I've walked in your or her shoes. But I was such a part of the process with helping her, that it felt like I was sick. Your DH will be going through this with you and he needs to take care of himself as well. I'm so glad you have a great support system, Kay, and good medical care.
    1768 days ago
    I'm glad you have such a good support team!
    1768 days ago
  • MAGGIE101857
    You are amazing! I'm so glad you decided to blog about your emotional roller coaster and so proud of you that you didn't begin "googling" all the medical websites out there and make yourself crazy! Counting your blessings is a wonderful way to remember that despite the very hard road you are walking right, there are many angels walking beside you! Sending you hugs and prayers for a complete recovery!!!!
    1768 days ago
    I am so impressed by your strength. I am praying for you my friend!
    1768 days ago
    I am praying for you to get well strong..... emoticon
    1768 days ago
    I can't even imagine what you are going through. Getting an appointment with a specialist can be trying and when you are trying to coordinate with others for treatment, mind-boggling. I can understand why you were stressed out to the max. I am glad that the nice nurse got it all worked out. Kind of restores your faith in our medical system. Stay strong, Kay. I am praying for you. emoticon
    1768 days ago
    I can understand your emotional ride. It reminded me of a relative who recently got the dreaded news. She is going through the treatments right now but rather than being depressed she seemed, at a recent family gathering, to be the one with the most energy. She looked wonderful and beautiful with her shaved hair and I so admire the both of you for your wonderful attitude. So glad that this news is no longer a death sentence. Just follow instructions and you will be past this soon! emoticon
    1768 days ago
    LOVE HUGS AND PRAYERS ALL WILL WORK OUT. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1768 days ago
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