Learning that living in pain,doesn't mean I have to quit!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
So most of you know me and probably noticed I have been MIA quite a bit in the last year and a half. At least that! I have been holding things in and didn't want to tell anyone what I was dealing with. I didn't even know in the beginning what was wrong myself and surely didn't want anyone else to see me break down. A couple years ago my wonderful friend Jen spent a lot of time trying to help me become that runner I so desperately craved to be. I pushed and pushed and did really great, but slowly weeks later I started to notice severe pain in my hips and buttocks. This seemed weird to me because at the time I was only 37. I was scared and went to the doctor to find out what was wrong. At first, my doc said I had a pinched nerve in my back and that was it. No big deal..People live with that all the time,Right?? So I tried to continue running,and noticed the pain got worse and sometimes so debilitating I would make excuses to my friend why I could not run. I didn't want her to know I was in horrible pain and how seriously ridiculous that sounded just to me... I mean again, I am not an elderly person, So why am I having a hard time getting up and down from the couch or bed. I went back to my doctor and once again, she said it was probably due to my breast size causing the breast pain. So she gave me some pain medication and told me to only take when I needed it. I found myself falling away from running and from exercising all together because the pain was horrible after ever physical thing I did. About a year later I told my doctor I was scheduled for reduction surgery. I had my surgery done and immediately I felt better.. So, I thought it was all gone..I am ok now..Once the pain med started to wear off, I could feel the pain in the buttocks and backs of my legs..I couldn't even bend down to pick things up and was embarrassed that I had to ask my kids to do it ,Or I would plant my feet wide apart and hold onto something to brace myself. I continued to go back to my doctor and she sent me for more test,blood test ,ect.. So here is the kicker..Six months ago, I found out I have Fibromyalgia.. If you don't know what that is, let me just start by saying, I t is the worst muscle pain I have ever had and I do not have to do anything physical to even get to that point. I told the doc I really want to run again, and she basically told me she advised against it.. So not only was I being told I have an issue that will forever haunt me, But I won't get to be a runner??WTH!!! WHY?? Have I not been through enough in these years. I didn't fall away from the Spark because I didn't love it..I fell away because I didn't know how to be a part of it if I couldn't even figure out how to fix myself, then what could I possible give someone else. But then I read my friend Jens Blog today about the half Marathon she did. And I must say, That was the most inspirational thing I have read in quite a while. I need it because she talked of how she got really ill and felt defeated, But, she never gave up. Then she talk of her foot pain, Throwing up while running when sick, breaking vessels in her eyes..And still, Never gave up! Her determination made me think, you know what..It's not over till I say it is, And I am not ready to give up yet..Who says I can't run..While it may be painful, I will have to learn ways to get around that. It was bad enough that I gained ten lbs right after reduction from being sedentary, but I will not let everything bring me down.. This is still within my control and if it takes me a little longer to get there, OH WELL!!! At least I will get there and can feel that feeling of achievement..Honestly, I just want to be able to do a 5k..That is all I ask for God!! I know many of you would have been there to support me through all I have been dealing with, But I just didn't know how to ask. I recently wrote a post on my face book page saying how it seems like when your face down in the dirt , Someone final ask if your ok..And all you want to do is look up and say. NO, I wasn't ok 2 years ago. Where the heck have you been. But, then I realize , no one knew what was wrong with me..I hid it well..So I am learning how to let go and move on! I got this! And I will not let the pain defeat me..I can honestly say now "No pain, No gain." LOL