The current Kaia FIT session’s theme is “Free to Be Me,” which has an emphasis on letting go of limitations and focusing on playtime for grown-ups. I love this idea, in theory.
The first week, we practiced handstands. I love this because, even though I can’t kick up to a handstand or do a free-standing one yet, I can walk up the wall and begin to move my hands closer to the wall. I didn’t think I’d be able to do this at my size, but once I let go of my doubt, I found I could do more than I assumed. So, handstands = good time! Even with my elbow tendonitis that refuses to go away!
The second week was cartwheels. I’ve never done a cartwheel in my entire life. I remember playing outside when I was a kid and trying to do cartwheels, but not being able to get it down. I was a big kid and I developed early, so once I hit 8 years old (and puberty), I just stopped doing things like that because I felt like I looked out of place. So, I was intimidated to even try doing cartwheels. I tried following the directions and using a karate pad on the floor to place my hands and hop over from foot to foot. I could tell I wasn’t doing it correctly. I couldn’t wait for that class to be over.
The next week was bridge-ups, like in a yoga class. My elbow screamed at me the entire time, but I tried anyway. I couldn’t get all the way off the ground, but I could get my shoulders up a bit. Even that was hard!
This week is somersaults. I haven’t done these since I was a kid. And I do remember being able to do them. But I also remember getting heavier and it would hurt more to do them the bigger I got. There’s a lot of pressure on your head and neck, from what I remember.
The workout started with cartwheels, hooray. And everyone in front of me, by now, can do cartwheels flawlessly and all day long. Ugh. I still had to use the pad on the floor, which made me feel inferior. Then, the coach set up a big gymnastics mat that we could tumble on to for somersaults. The goal was to basically just tumble over and stand up right away. Of course, every girl in front of me could do it easily. I freaked myself out a bit and the coach could tell, so she offered to get an exercise ball for me to help with it. I got on the ball for a second, leaned back, caught my reflection in the mirror, and said, F*&$ it! It was awful. I skipped my turn and ran through the next station that was set up. I skipped every one after that, too.
I’d rather do a thousand push-ups than have to do that again. I know that’s not the attitude to have, and I tried really hard to get out of my negative mindset this morning. It was tough. I wanted to quit and leave, but I stuck it out. But in my stubbornness, I refused to modify the bear crawls, push-ups, donkey kicks, and plank rotations. My stiff and swollen elbow is now telling me how irresponsible that was.
I don’t like feeling like I can’t do something, and I feel this way pretty often. I’m well aware of my size and my physical limitations, so when I’m faced with a workout like this, I feel like those things are highlighted. I’m not sure how to get over this obstacle, but I need to figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll keep showing up and getting the best workout I can get for me.