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100 Pounds Down (For the 2nd time) but this time I've learned I AM worth it

Friday, August 09, 2013

In 2006 I should have been a happy 18 year old enjoying my high school senior prom, going on the senior class trip, graduation, and enjoying my last year of high school but instead I was a stressed out, miserable, self-loathing 18 year old who often went home upset and crying. I did however attend my prom, spent a lot of money on my dress, shoes, nails, hair, and make-up just to feel miserable while there. It was uncomfortable and awkward and I knew I didn't belong there. I sat at a table alone while my friends hit up the dance floors with the many guys who asked them to dance. I had zero confidence so I sat in my chair so it wouldn't fly away with my head on my hand sighing and wishing I was dancing too. After prom ended I went home really upset because no one asked me to dance and I just knew it was because I was fat and ugly. The self-loathing has been a part of me since elementary school when the bullying began so I had it stuck in my mind that I was ugly, fat, and a freak because I didn't fit in anywhere.

I worked by butt off to graduate high school 6 months early and started working full time at a coffee roasting company. I ended up attending my graduation in a white gown with no family in attendance. I felt so sad and so upset. I had 3 friends attend and they sat in the back talking amongst themselves. I walked the stage with no cheers from family/friends. I remember feeling in that moment worthless. I hated high school but I hated walking the stage feeling completely and utterly alone.

One day at work I decided to weigh myself on the scale we had at work to weigh coffee beans. I hopped on and was mortified when the scale flashed 350 pounds. I thought that simply couldn't be so I reweighed myself 10 times just to be sure and each time the number did not change. I was flabbergasted. I could not believe I had let myself go! I knew in that moment I did not want to be like my mom who died when I turned 2 years old from being obese. I knew something had to change and quickly or I would be in the same position she was in.

I cut fast food, sodas, and junk food cold turkey. I began eating healthier, drinking more water, and I joined spark people. I found new ideas, got fitness tips, and I was able to find people like me who just wanted to be healthy. I joined a gym and I lost 100 pounds before my life spiraled down. I lost my job during the middle of 2008 when the economy really started to crash. I was not able to find work anywhere! I tried so hard to find work and I became so stressed out and worried that my old habits came out to play and play they did. I had to quit the gym because I could no longer afford it and I began to eat unhealthy again because it was "cheap." About a year and a half later I was back up to 290 pounds! I couldn't believe it but the scale stared at me again, almost mocking me.

I started college in 2010 and began to take classes for an associates degree in office management. I was shocked when I got my first grades back during my 1st semester and I received all A's and a 4.0 GPA. I was so proud of myself but I knew something was lacking in my life and I realized it was the fact that I felt like I was failing at life because of my weight. So I got back on that horse and started eating healthy, walking, drinking more water, eating more (I was only eating 1 big meal a day), and I turned to spark people. I have been able to join a gym and I am now down to 250 pounds. I have now lost 100 pounds again and it feels so great to be in a better place not with the scale but mentally and emotionally.

I have realized I am WORTH everything, I DESERVE things in life such as my own personal HAPPINESS. I have self-worth, self-love, self-esteem, and confidence... something that I was lacking for most of my life. I am learning to enjoy life and never take things for granted. I know I am a beautiful person and I don't need a scale to tell me that and that is by far the best accomplishment I have ever been able to achieve. I am worth more than what the number on the scale tells me. I don't need to be a certain size or weight to be beautiful, I am beautiful right now. I have set a goal to lose 50 more pounds and I know I can do this! I believe in myself now even when others don't.

The picture on the left is me at my high school senior prom... I don't look happy! Sure I might have a smile but it's my FAKE smile. I learned how to fake being happy and to have a fake smile. In the middle photo I can see my transformation truly beginning not just in my body but in my confidence. The old me would NEVER in a million years wear a dress like that and out in public, oh my! I began to shop for dresses more often and I knew I had a special pep to my step. The photo on the right I can see how I feel radiating out of me and dang it feels good!

This is the most current photo of me taken August 4 2013 and I feel amazing! In this photo I weigh 250 pounds. I have realized that I don't need to be "barbie" size to be accepted, I can be ME size. Only I can determine my goals, only I can keep me on this healthy path, and only me can radiate the confidence that I feel.

I AM WORTH IT and so are YOU! We can do this together.
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