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Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit. He says he’s applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET. -Craig Ferguson

This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, ‘What kind of person quits because of something like that?’ Then voters said, ‘Ideally? You’.-Jimmy Fallon

The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They’ve rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love. -David Letterman

Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let’s be honest. -Jimmy Kimmel

This is the 26th year of shark week. Shark week is so awesome. I'm surprised other networks don't also have shark-themed programing. Shows like 'Sharks and Recreation,' 'How I Ate Your Mother,' and 'The Tonight Show With Jaws Leno.' -Craig Ferguson

The NFL is about to get its first full-time female referee. Good for them. It will be a little different though. When a player asks her what he did wrong, she'll say 'Oh, you know what you did.' -Jimmy Fallon

There is a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, 'It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, ribs ˜ I need the whole deal. -Jay Leno
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