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Late Night

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Facebook has a new feature that allows you to see what you were posting a year ago. You just log on to Facebook and click on the 'I'm wasting my life' button. -Conan O'Brien

It's rumored that AMC's show 'The Walking Dead' is adding a zombie baby to the cast for next season. That's right, a drooling, hungry creature that can't talk or listen to reason � most people just call that a baby. -Jimmy Fallon

Hawaii has a new service that they hope will reduce the homeless population. What they do is buy the homeless people a one-way ticket back home. If homeless people don't want to fly, they will pay for them to go home on a cruise. That is just what the cruise industry needs � 'Now with homeless people.' -Jimmy Kimmel

Some jerk vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing. If it could cry and chain smoke, it would be John Boehner. -Bill Maher

The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent. -Jay Leno

Poor Anthony Wiener. His campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. He said it’s a minor setback, while the guy in third said, ‘Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?’ -Jimmy Fallon

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises. -Jay Leno

There is a big movie opening today - 'Wolverine.' In the new movie, Wolverine goes to Japan. Over in Japan, they don't call him Wolverine, of course. They call him 'Big Fuzzy-Head Man.' -Craig Ferguson

In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we've all been distracted by phony scandals. It's time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery. -Jay Leno

A new study found that kids have better relationships with their parents if they are friends with them on Facebook. That's good because if you're a kid who's friends with your parents on Facebook, chances are you're not really friends with anyone else. -Jimmy Fallon

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
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