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When you think things are bad, someone else has it worse

Monday, August 05, 2013

Did you ever just feel pathetic and selfish? Why me, why can't I, why not... why do I have to... like a whiny, self absorbed 4 year old. That's how I've felt all day. Poor me. I know it all stems from the 1.5lb gain on Friday. You know, I tried to convince myself that I was "ok with it" but I'm really not. Especially when I kicked a$$ all week and was meticulous about my food. I know things aren't nearly as "easy" as they used to be. I know I have to do a bit more than walk around the block and cut my food intake in half, but it still sucks!

So instead of turning to food on Friday, which is what I wanted to do, yes it still happens, I had 6 too many adult beverages. Well, I stopped counting at 6 anyhow... Apparently I'm no good at moderation... on ANYTHING! I had a good time, we were out at camp and I wasn't driving anywhere... just enjoying the fire, and the stars. It was great until I woke up the next morning with the realization of how many calories I'd consumed. That's right kids, no hangover, just a sick feeling that I had consumed an entire days worth of calories in a few hours. WHY was that a thought in my head?!? I had a great night, and this is how it gets ruined. I didn't fall in the pool, and I didn't puke on my shoes... I was worried about the calories... WTH has happened to my life? When I'm more worried about the calories I've consumed than having a good time, a line has been crossed.

A few of my sprakfriends have found their way back recently. They've gained most if not all of the weight back that they've lost. These are people that are Spark Superstars in their own right, and it breaks my heart to see that this has happened to them. And it just brings up those feelings of, "if them, why not me?" How will things be different for me?

At work today, my 11 pound co-worker exclaimed, "OMG, I'm so full." After eating nothing but applesauce and Skittles for breakfast and exactly 4 pieces of lettuce for lunch... REALLY?!? This, after saying on Friday, that *I* should eat more protein and start running to lose weight. Does anyone know how much protein is in Skittles or hell, applesauce for that matter? I'm just asking... And yes, she knows I've lost weight. I was so fed up with her saying $h!t about "fat people" I finally showed her my before pictures. She freaked out, couldn't believe it, and yet, still has the cajones to talk smack! Skinny b!tch is gonna find herself stapled to the carpet if she keeps it up.

Tonight, I was in such a mood, I wanted to stick my face in the bowl of parmesan pasta I'd made. No, I can't have any pasta.... I "got to" eat basil grilled chicken, YEAH!! And really, please don't tell me I can "have anything I want in the correct portion." Usually, I believe that, and I haven't given up ANYTHING, but the funk I'm in tonight will not allow for a "correct portion" of anything. Pasta was NOT on the menu for me tonight. Aaaaggghhhh!!!!!

And finally, if you're still reading this crap... I was supposed to do 60 minutes of intervals on the treadmill. TOTAL FAIL! I wimped out and went out for a 4 mile walk/ slight jog. And by that, I mean only had the energy to jog when I was trying to get away from cars, dogs, or teenagers... teenagers are terrifying! Yes, I did it, but it wasn't what I was supposed to do.

On my way out, to half a$$ a workout, I ran into a mom I've known for years. Our son's have been in classes together since pre-school. She was sitting in a wheelchair/scooter type thing, and I asked her what had happened. She's always had a cane with her, and I knew she had something wrong with her legs or back, but it's not the kind of thing you bring up at a school function. She said her MS has gotten the best of her... She's my age.... I'm b!tching and moaning about food, and drinks and "having to exercise." Carley can't get out of her chair without help, let alone run around with her kids.... who the "F" am I???

Why me... why can't I... why not... why do I have to... because it's MY life to live and I have a chance to LIVE IT, that's WHY!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi Holly,
    You are so right!I also have a lot of "11" lb coworkers- LOL!
    and most of the time I grumble to myself- but, try to "stay positive" too;)
    It's always a balancing act because we never know what people might have going on at home. Thank you for bring balance to this topic as it is easy to feel conflicting ways about it. ... and Thanks for the hilarious stapler comment! made my day!

    1738 days ago
    All I can say is... it all came back. Easily. Why? How?
    I gave up on ME!

    Continue to take good care of yourself and you will continue to live the life you love!
    xo So very proud of you Holly! You have not given up no matter what you've faced. I'm still reading your blogs years later and its seems we still find fault with ourselves no matter what shape/size. Be happy in the moment! Everyday!
    1749 days ago
    sometimes it's hard to remember that others have it worse
    1755 days ago
    Yes! OMG such a good post! I was there with you in spirit, like "Yeah just F-IT sometimes!" but then you came full circle and I felt like an a$$.
    1761 days ago
    Love it!

    I'll bring the staples...

    1761 days ago
    1766 days ago
  • ALOFA0509
    A-men sista!!! LMAO, umm i will bring the Air Compressor for the Super Staple Gun!!!
    emoticon take that skinny b*tch! lol
    1773 days ago
  • LIZ324_NYC
    Loved this blog Holly! It is a real eye opener. I guess I was under the assumption that people who lose that much weight have got it together and no longer go thru these bad days.
    Thanks for sharing your experience!

    1773 days ago
    I've been thinking of your post for the past week as I tried to figure out a good way to respond. Everything I thought of sounded trite and fell woefully short. Nothing like reading drivel when you're already not in the best mood, right? ;)

    But I hope that the emotions that led to all of this have subsided. By the way, I have never seen you as pathetic and selfish. "Inspirational" and "generous" are two adjectives that I associate with you.

    1775 days ago
    I hate to admit it but we all have these days. Then something happens, like running into someone you haven't seen in a bit. It puts it all in prospective. It's okay to wallow a little, I've been doing that a bit myself lately. You are strong and you can do this. Its day by day and sometimes moment by moment but you can do this.
    1776 days ago
    Holly, I just stumbled upon your blog (yep, I have MS, LOL!) and love your liveliness, wit, and candor! You're one of those rare souls who are really lovely and radiant on the inside and out :) I'll gladly help you staple Ms. Skittles 'n' Applesauce to the carpet, too! Don't feel bad, either; many of us folks with MS rarely have to use scooters (just inside very, very large big-box stores, mostly to conserve energy). I'm at my goal weight, but it takes a lot of tracking to stay there. If I didn't allow myself two days a month of free, unbridled, all-I-can-eat eating - and I often use those days for holidays or special occasions - I wouldn't be able to do it. I was 60 when I got to goal, and I have a lifelong history of binge-eating (but think M&M's, not Skittles!). So lots of hugs and congratulations on your major accomplishment!!
    1776 days ago
    1778 days ago
    You are beautiful. Beautiful in body, heart and most of all, spirit.

    Don't ya just love when you get a big face full of perspective? It does have a way of talking us down from the ledge.

    WTH happened to you is right. You have become the epitome of healthy. You have had a rough full days and your "splurge" was a few drinks. You could have had pasta, no exercise and done so much to punish yourself. But you didn't.

    You fought back like a true champion. This is why you will not gain your weight back.

    PS - I think we should start a petition for "Skinny Bitch Stapling Day". One day a week where the impossibly skinny who get "full" after a glass of water and two crackers get theirs. :)

    1778 days ago
    Love ya!
    1778 days ago
    Another crawler here...people like you keep me coming back!
    1781 days ago
    Thanks for this.
    I am one of those friends crawling back. Not a superstar sparker, but I lost 48lbs with Spark and gained back 42 :/ Getting back with it today in fact.

    1781 days ago
    Holly-I am so sorry you're in a rough patch. I totally get it. I often feel the same exact way. I was sick and my weight is up and I am annoyed, but I know I'll get it back down. I get scared all the time I will be one of the ones to gain weight back. This is not easy.
    1781 days ago
    Awww! We all have those kind of days...usually the scale is to blame for my days like this as well. I know the kind of co-worker you have...I have one as well...instead of eating 4 pieces of lettuce though she eats a double cheeseburger, fries, a shake, skittles, AND ice cream...and then still fits in her pants...very frustrating. Don't let these people get the best of you. Look how amazing you have done and the pain you have gone through to get there. The fact that you went for a run/walk means that you are still on the right path and that you are still in control.

    Good Luck !
    1781 days ago
  • AMYH217
    Girl, I feel ya! It's frustrating!! Especially being one who has put some of the weight back on. And knowing why I did is even more frustrating.

    One thing I keep thinking is that even though she's skinny and eats like that, you are definitely healthier because you're not eating skittles at every meal...that high fructose corn syrup is messing up her body from the inside! And we know eating 4 leafs of lettuce is not balancing that out! lol

    You are a Spark Rock Star! You haven't quit, every time I visit the site I am blown away by you. We all know hard days will come, but how we approach them is what defines us!

    emoticon emoticon
    1781 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Holly a bad couple of days does not make for a bad life. It doesn't erase the awesomeness of you losing over what 140+ pounds. Give yourself a break you ARE a superstar. Its life Sh!t happens and guess what we brush ourselves off and move on. You are an inspiration to many. Even when you struggle you inspire because you show it's not magic its hard work. Just know we all have your back!

    1782 days ago
    I am so sorry you had such a rough few days. But reading through your blog was like reading my own thoughts written out in front of me. It is crazy! I am sitting at home today with a toothache feeling sorry for myself and your blog reminds me that my life is in my control and not too bad. This is advice that I rarely listen to, but don't be too hard on yourself! You still made some good choices and moving on from mistakes is the only way you can continue to be successful! You are doing so great!

    Keep it up!
    1782 days ago
    Ok, awesome blog. I know you don't see the humour in it, but I swear I could sit on that bench beside you some days and b!tch along with you about everything you said. Even the whole wanting to eat all the pasta but you can't so you'll eat all the chicken. And the 'F the portion control part' because I totally get that, too.

    And this: ' Skinny b!tch is gonna find herself stapled to the carpet if she keeps it up. ' made me laugh out loud.

    I get the place of frustration you are coming from. I totally do. Some days it just is what it is.
    1782 days ago
    Thanks so much for this 'eye-opening' blog!
    1782 days ago
    Seeing someone with such a bad problem really puts things into prospective. Most of our "problems" are petty bull compared to the real stuff. That doesn't mean we're not human and unhappy with some of our stuff. Being aware of how easily the weight can come back on the bring us back to "day 1" is the realization that makes us vigilant.

    1782 days ago
  • MRSP90X
    Love the blog! I feel this way too sometimes, BUT I have realized that complaining is wasted energy, and directing that energy into action towards your goals is the key! Easier said than done sometimes, but worth it!
    1782 days ago
    You need to Save the last sentence of this blot and read or say to your self everyday. Why me WHY NOT IS AWESOME ADVICE. If you enjoyed Fri move on. Your dad doesn't get many times with you talking or hitching whichever you did. LOV E YOU AND SO PROUD OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. IF YOUR HAPPY AT CURRENT WEIGHT FOR NOW QUIT BEATING SELF UP OVER LOST NIGHT. IT WASN'T A MONTH OR ANYTHING.
    1782 days ago
    Awwwww Holly! Hang in there!

    You STILL walked/jogged instead of giving up and sitting on the couch with food. You ARE still on the right path! Believe it! Some days it might not feel like it, but the changes you have made are still there!

    Teenagers ARE scary by the way. I guess that means I'm officially OLD now? haha.

    I'm sorry to hear that about your son's friend's mom. That is terrible but also a good wake up call. Every time I catch myself complaining about how much I hate my birthday, or don't want to work out, I try to remind myself how many people WON'T get that chance. Should I keep whining? NO.

    That being said, it can be SO easy to get caught in that mindset. You definitely aren't the only one, but I bet your experience and sharing this experience with others will cause alot of us to have a wake up call moment too. I know I did! (Note to Self: STOP COMPLAINING AND START DOING!)

    Also - your coworker ticks me off I don't even have to work with her! Skinny or not skinny, people should really keep their mouths shut. Everyone's journey is different and she has no right to try to tell you what to do, especially when her own hands aren't clean. Ugh!
    1782 days ago
    emoticon Thanks for the honesty. I know so much how you feel. I'm glad you vented and got it out of your system, and that we're here for you to vent to! I hope today goes better for you. One day at a time, baby, that's all you can do! emoticon
    1782 days ago
    I so feel you. It is beyond frustrating to see how easy it is for some people and how hard I (or you) have to work every single flippin day. And gain a pound. And no it's not muscle! I'm gaining right now and it sucks. And it's OK to vent.
    I'm glad you ran into that woman to give you a positive perspective. (but it's still OK to be frustrated too!)
    1782 days ago

    Perspective, it is an amazing thing.

    PS. Love the 11 pound coworker and stapling her to the carpet. do it! lol.
    1782 days ago
    Oh Holly! It's definitely good to vent and to show that you aren't 'perfect' & so what? It's not like it's the end of the world. You knew what you were doing and what the consequences were. It's in the past so get over it and move on.

    I would love to be there when you give your 11lb co-worker a smack down. As far as I am concerned, smack talk = smack down. Go for it girlie! lol
    1782 days ago
    I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you staple that co-worker to the carpet!
    1782 days ago
    SO sorry you were having such a rough time. I know how it can just get you crazy if you can't shake it. Thanks to Carley you are back to plan. I do feel badly for your friend as I understand when medical issues sideline us. In her case it is permanent but thankfully for you and I we just need that little tug in the right direction to set our course straight. I hope when you wake up today, you feel grateful for your many blessings and can get back to being Holly, the best way you can. If not, fake it! It will come to you. Blessings,

    1782 days ago
  • SPEEDY143
    Where's the "LOVE" this blog button emoticon You speak for the masses.... "Why me???" Been there, asked that and then had my cage rattled and started counting my blessings. Right now I'm thanking God for YOU emoticon emoticon
    1782 days ago
    Holly, use that fighting attitude to LIVE your life to the fullest; struggles and joys!!! It's not easy, don't I know it. Working on turning things around after bouncing around with more ups than downs and gaining back 15 lbs. It is scary to think of where that can lead to. Your honesty keeps you real to many and so you continue to be an inspiration. Thought the 11 lb coworker was a typo and soon realized not. You're images of her did give me a good chuckle because I had not trouble visualizing her stapled to the carpet with a few leaves of lettuce hanging from her lips.

    1783 days ago
    I Love that you are real .. This is the journey everyday.. We must fight our need to settle in order to achieve.. It's a Road bump and sorry i had to bust a gut on the skinny B! tch and the staple... congrats on knowing you would have no limits on the pasta so you just avoided it...

    Here's emoticon to living HOLLY"S LIFE because you can !! Sorry after this weekend I had to give you water.. but we can still Prost to living our life and making the best choices we can !!

    love ya girl,
    1783 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    I totally know how you feel and thanks for putting a smile on my face! Love this blog! emoticon emoticon
    1783 days ago
    You are to be commended that despite your frustration you could still understand you are not so bad off! Yes, no matter how bad there are people who have it worse! I did laugh at the "stapled to the carpet" thought (would that be a misdemeanour?)! Hang in there...and you are right, there are days that even a reasonable, moderate serving is not possible to do...
    Love and Hugs,
    1783 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    "Stapled to the carpet." I can't stop laughing ! emoticon
    1783 days ago
  • FUNGIRL81005
    The 11lb co-worker is great!! But yes...someone else has it always worse.... We do have a choice....Just have to wake-up and make it!! emoticon
    1783 days ago
    Holly, that was an awesome blog!!! I totally felt the same way after a binge yesterday after working so hard all week to get back on track. I knew it was wrong while it was happening, but couldn't stop myself. I work with half a dozen "11lb" women who spend lunch talking about their diets and workouts and how "heavy" they are.....they make me want to scream!!! But I like your idea of stapling them to the carpet better...lol...thanks for the laugh!

    My wake up call was hearing that a woman I know passed away this morning. She had gastric bypass years ago and lost lots of weight, but then gained most of it back and suffered complications from the surgery. She left 4 children behind, ages 6-16. Such a tragedy! There's always someone or some situation that makes us wonder why or why not me? We need to be grateful for what we've accomplished so far and continue to work on leading healthy lives.
    emoticon emoticon

    1783 days ago
    1783 days ago
    By far one of my top 10 fav blog entries!!! Thanks for the post!
    1783 days ago
  • BRADMILL2922
    I swear, if you staple that girl to the floor and I am not there to film it or at least watch the film of someone else filming it, I am going to be really upset with you! ;) By the way, MARSHMALLOW CRACK & Dollar General got nothing on that Hollyism! Hmm, also gives a whole new meaning to WWHD ;)

    Let's just be honest with what this was the last few days...it was a perfect storm of sh!t. It was! It is like the movie A Perfect Storm with George Clooney...yea, that big wave of water that came at their boat? The boat was you with a big wave a sh!t that was coming right at ya! Now, that sucks but do you know what the beauty is of getting hit by a big wave of sh!t? Ok, maybe beauty isn't the right word but the silver lining is, it is over! That wave is gone. Now you have two options. You can sit around and wait for the next big wave of sh!t to come hit you or you can pick your self up, put on your big girl pants, and bust you @ss like the Holly that I know and love would!

    Don't make me drive over to Pennsylvania and make you...cuz I will! And if I do that, I will probably help you staple that skinny b!tch to the floor and then I would be in trouble with you and we would be in jail. Honestly Holly, I am not made for jail my dear! So tomorrow when you wake up, it is a new day. Eat your calories. Work your workout. FINISH THIS THING.

    Love ya!

    1783 days ago
    You hit the nail on the head, Holly. You do what you do because this is the life you have. You can waste it or win it. We're WINNERS, Baby! We will win because we want to and because we're FORTUNATE enough to have the ABILITY to win it!

    Every ounce of energy we spend regretting, is lost forever towards the effort to win!

    I love you.
    1783 days ago
    We can always go the other way with that too, you know? I've got it SO good, but So-n-So has it so much better! SO??? I love this: 'Why me... why can't I... why not... why do I have to... because it's MY life to live and I have a chance to LIVE IT, that's WHY!'

    It's yours, baby, deal with it, right? It's good to be humbled, but it's also okay to feel like 'Why me?' IF we are willing to take full responsibility for OUR part in it!!! Life isn't always fair...Life is never fair. We all have our mountains to climb...Our pools to fall in.

    If you could see in her mirror I suspect 'skinny b!tch' has her own 'MS mom' waiting for her. OR...just maybe...MAYBE...'skinny b!tch' & "MS mom' are closer to the same person than you understand.

    Funny, I had this little speech prepared to tell you about how that 1.5 lb gain could have been muscle & so I went to your page to see where you are! YOU ARE THERE! Damn girl You DID IT! Seriously? You are holding on to a 1.5 lb gain? Were you pants so tight you couldn't button them? Did your bra snap come undone from the fat pressure? Did you have to untie & retie your shoes because the blood was throbbing in your feet?

    Step away from the scale!!! I let myself fluctuate 10 YES TEN lbs in a month. Do you know why? Because if I weigh 139 I am sexy, thin and beautiful. If I weigh 141 I'm a huge, fat, ugly, disgusting pig! SERIOUSLY! That weight upsets me that much!!! I HAVE to give myself a 10 lb leeway because I 'gain' 8 lbs every month!!!

    I was devastated last Tuesday(7/30 at 2:30 PM) {at TOM, after 2 cups of coffee & I had eaten 2 meals} because I weighed 146.6 at my Dr.'s office. Then I remembered EXACTLY one week earlier (7/23 at 9:15 AM){before TOM, fasting for 12 hours & NO water} I had weighed 143. I didn't change my ticker to 146.6 because I do not believe that is my true weight! I believe the 143 is. My pants aren't too tight, my bra isn't snapping & I didn't have to untie my shoes! THOSE are better indicators for me.

    Having said all of that, I have been riding on the high side of 140 since February(142) & I'm feeling flabby about the belly. I am NOT going to diet back to less than 140, but I am going to pump up the abs workout!!!

    I know you don't know me & by now you are probably mad at me, but PLEASE know this... I would not have even bothered writing my opinion to you if I didn't care! You are an inspiration and you have done an AMAZING job! I am so proud of you! All of this was said with love & due respect! I hope you take it (bad humor & all) from the place it comes from...MY HEART!

    You have so much to be proud of. Hold your head up, tighten up your belly, chin up, good posture and walk into a room like you mean it! You are truly an inspirational woman!
    1783 days ago
    I feel ya too. Keep playing with the same 5 pounds. It does totally suck a lot of days and I don't have the magic answer.

    Try to grateful you aren't in the scooter, and don't beat yourself up for a half ass 4 miles walk. Girl, YOU WALKED 4 FREAKIN' MILES. Do you know how many people can't even think about walking one? And won't even try.

    Keep up the hard work and vent when you need to--we all need to.
    1783 days ago
  • MUDGE4
    OMG. I felt the same way all day. I finally went to the gym and after 60 minutes of cardio with 60 minutes of a positive thinking podcast I felt slightly better. I've gained weight in the past few weeks and I've tried to tell myself it's okay, but it just isn't!! Wah, wah, woe is me. I've tried to turn it around and tell myself this is just a part of my journey and maybe God or the universe is trying to teach me a lesson. Just gotta figure out what it is! emoticon emoticon
    1783 days ago
    Because "it could always be worse" never makes anyone feel better. This is a lifelong thing.. I drank a lot this weekend camping to, kept my clothes on, didn't fall down or throw up, but what was interesting to me was how busy I was cooking for everyone else, I barely ate! I drink captain Morgan and diet Pepsi so that's about 110 a drink... we basically drank for 8-10 hours a day!!! Lol...

    Portion control is never easy for me and there is just some food that sets me OFFFFFFF(pizza dinner last night) cookies ANYTIME. You know it is a day by day thing and we are are all just..trying. that's it. You're never gonna be perfect. How often do you drink like that..once a year??? Its OK. I get the fear that its all gonna come back. But its not going to. Because it won't. You will not let it. But it is OK to overinduldge sometimes. Give yourself a break.

    Cheers my love!

    PS...if you staple that biotch to the carpet, send me a picture!!!
    1783 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/5/2013 9:37:19 PM
    Ps I laughed hard at the stole line but especially the " 11 lb coworker " LOL!!!
    1783 days ago
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