Just want to share what has been going on
Friday, August 02, 2013
My last blog I was getting back into swing...feeling good, eating right, exercising and getting out. Seemed to find my determination.
Last Sunday my dad was rushed to the hospital. He had fallen. He had been sick for quite a while but he was hanging on. I couldn't get to the compassion care on Sunday as it was late. My daughter and I went after work on Monday and then again on Tuesday. We stayed late both nights. On Wednesday morning I got a call from my sister that he was near the end. I rushed out of work, picked my daughter up, but by the time we got there he had passed. We stayed with him and my family for a long time. It helped to have that time alone with him. The next few days were hectic...a lot of driving with early mornings and late nights. He is at peace now and not suffering anymore. The funeral was sad but beautiful. He was a wonderful, kind man and touched so many lives. So many wonderful stories and memories were shared.
The most difficult decision we had to make was whether to tell my mom and if we could bring her to the services. My mom has a very aggressive type of Alzheimer's. She says the most inappropriate things, she doesn't mean to but it's the disease. My mom would be mortified if she knew some of the things that come out of her mouth! She is a kind, loving person. They were married over 60 years...high school sweethearts. Also, we didn't want to tell her if one of us couldn't stay with her during this difficult time. She's in an assisted living facility...a great one with a wonderful staff. But we wanted a respectful goodbye to my dad, difficult as these decisions were. It breaks my heart! We buried dad on Saturday and my daughter and I along with my sister, brother in law,my aunt ( my mom's sister), went to visit her on Sunday. We thought we might be able to tell her..but it wasn't the right time. Mom was so happy to have all of us there, and the staff told us that she is getting out of the room and engaging in activities. My sister and aunt went again on Monday and Tuesday and tried to tell her but my mom can't seem to grasp the idea that dad was sick and has passed.
Anyway, I went back to work on Monday, my new position which I love. My co-workers and boss are so very supportive and kind. I put in a full week at work, didn't really do much else... I talked to all my friends at work, so many people.. I never realized I had made so many friends where I work and such a great group of people....and surprisingly I held it together. Now it's Friday night, I'm exhausted, I'm planning to mow the lawn tomorrow, go see mom on Sunday and then my sister wants us to come over for a BBQ so the kids can swim, we can be together as a family, and just relax.
But tonight, because I know I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow and I can sleep in (much needed sleep) I need to cry...let all of the emotions out. I've held it together through all of this.... a few tears...but I knew my family needed me to be strong. Not that my family isn't strong...but I know, a lesson from my dad, that sometimes you have to be the strong one...no matter how much you are hurting inside. I know my composure made a difference because one of my cousins told me that when she saw on the altar in church, and I was starting to tear up... she was ready to fall apart..but then I pulled it together because I knew they needed to see my strength, the strength my dad entrusted me with.
It's a sad time for me and my family, but I understand that life goes on. We will always keep those we love in our hearts. As for mom.... I plan to visit as often as I can, my other family members do as well, continue to encourage her to get out of the room and socialize... and I'm hoping that in time she may be able accept my dad's passing.. and if not... I just want her to be happy in the world she is living in now... mostly the past..the good things about the past. At my dad's wake a neighbor of my parents shared this with me... she said " I used to see your mom and dad walking down the street holding hands, it was so sweet!" She said this was about last October when she saw them last.. They loved each other so much...and they love us..their children... grandchildren, great grandchildren, all the nieces, nephews, their children (they especially loved ALL the babies).
So now I move forward, as I have in the past after losing someone I loved. Although this loss is leaving such a void in my heart. My dad is gone and at peace, my mom is still here but not really herself. I'm going to move forward and continue to make them proud of me... they always were. Love you mom and dad..so very much!