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My Bank Account of No's & The Smell of Bacon

Thursday, August 01, 2013

How many “No”s do you have in you every day?

Yesterday I ate my packed lunch next to a tiny woman eating Chick-fil-a. I think I actually felt a little physical pain sitting there smelling the food and watching this lady eat out of the corner of my eye. I was telling my BF how much I wanted it and he reminded me how my no-fried-food streaks broke me of the Chick-fil-a cravings. I noted how I definitely broke that urge to go there twice a week and can live without it now – but sometimes it stares you right in the face and it hurts.

This morning I woke up and it was gray and nasty outside. I immediately thought “Dunkin’ Donuts” but talked myself out of it and had my chobani and kcup coffee instead. I get to work this morning and go to fill my water bottle and the smell of bacon was all around me. I walked back upstairs. My first meeting of the day included donuts, and I just watched everyone else eat them around me. My third meeting had brownies, pound cake, cookies, etc. The cookies were very small, so I allowed myself one and tracked it. Then a coworker tried to get me to go out to lunch (I packed both my lunch and gym bag) and I stuck to my guns and said no.


I think I only have so many “no”s inside of me and I am quickly running out of them today. I’m supposed to make gluten free pasta with spinach tonight, seriously one of the easiest dinners ever, and I’m already wishing I could go out to eat a burger, sushi, chicken, ANYTHING instead. I grew up in a household where we ate out 99% of the time and some days that old laziness that I have fought so hard to break creeps back in.

My relationship with food can be such a freaking battle some days. I arm myself by packing healthy snacks, lunches, and my gym bag. But I am STILL fighting tons of urges to be lazy or eat junk. I try to suppress that voice in my head saying that it isn’t fair that I can’t have chickfila or donuts or chipotle or beers.

My BF brought up the idea of going fried food free again and I shot it down. I find when I restrict myself from things, it makes the feelings like this worse and I end up losing my mind over it. I distinctly remember a time where I cried my eyes out when I felt that I couldn’t eat anything while we were out. I would rather focus on BALANCE. I reminded him of how much my choices have naturally changed – like ordering a steak salad with vinaigrette last weekend instead of ribs and fries like the rest of my friends did.

I just wish I knew how to shut out some of these negative food urges and thoughts. They still haunt me. Some days are easier than others, but some days like today – I am struggling. Even though I know how to cook and pack healthy stuff now, my brain STILL wants cr&p. WHY?!?!?!?! I feel like a drug addict or something!!!!!

On another note, I read this article on Huffpost this morning about how Lululemon won’t display or even stock clothes over size 8 in their stores, because they don’t want “larger” people coming in and ruining their fitness image. This gets me so fired up. I know people who aren’t stick thin who run marathons. I know someone who isn’t stick thin who does yoga daily and is going for her training certificate. People mistake leanness with fitness, and to think that a company would rather DISCOURAGE other “bigger” athletes from buying their stuff… ugh! Shouldn’t you want to MOTIVATE people to be more fit, rather than tear them down or try to exclude them because of their size? I think I’ll stick to my cheaper, less snotty yoga pants. Thanks.

I’m going to try to keep fighting today. This will be Gym Day #3 this week, on track to make my 4 day goal. I am even planning on cooking a healthy dinner tomorrow – on a Friday night – gasp! Can’t believe it is AUGUST too ! Where does time go?!?! I hope everyone makes it a good month. It is going to be a crazy one for me but I am sure gonna try!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know it is difficult to say "no". This period is very stressful for me (aka I'm postponing things that I HAVE to get them done...) so it leads to overeating. I'm trying to control it and seems like I'm in the right direction.

    Try to think that all the "no"s have many "yes" to balance them. Like all the "yes" you are gonna say when you try new clothes. And from my experience, when you reach your goal it is much easier to have some cheat days. Your body forgives overeating if you don't overdo it.

    So hang in there! The stronger you are now, the quicker you are gonna reach your goal. And in maintenance, you will see that you won't have to say "no" so much; firstly because your lifestyle will be such that you won't need "bad" food as much as you want it now and secondly because you'll be able to have it occasionally.

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    1782 days ago
    LOL it sounds like we had a very similar day...I was so EXHAUSTED by the end of the day of saying "no" and being strong, I ended up with a splitting headache!

    I can't believe that store won't stock over size 8. That's just wrong. It's funny because you'd think they'd respect overweight people who are trying to make a change, and celebrate that. What a great niche that could be and what a great campaign that could be, you know? I once went to a store to get fitted for good shoes and they had me run on a treadmill. Can I just say a) that was embarrassing and b) the chick doing my measurements could barely muster any enthusiasm for getting me in a good pair of shoes. She must have said the word "support" 100 times...aka, you're fat, you need the support. I wish I could say I showed her what's what, lol...but I probably gained 30 pounds that year. Oofta!

    I really do think food is an addiction, just like drugs and alcohol. It's a habit we can kick, but we will always crave the foods, we'll always have a gateway food to binging and we'll often break down...only we get fat, not drunk or high. In other words, it's ok to feel like you obsess. You do. So do I. So does every other person who struggles with their weight.

    1782 days ago
    I had eerily similar thoughts today - I definitely see willpower like a bank account I draw from and sometimes life just taps it out. But the struggles are okay! They make us all stronger in the end even if they are so hard in the middle.
    I say celebrate the awesome wins (all the nos!) because that can be so tough when you are busy with work and life!

    1782 days ago
    A&F was in the news recently for the same reason (basically) as Lululemon! They don't make large clothes because they don't want "unattractive" people to be associated with the brand. Ugh. Glad I have never supported either of these companies.
    1782 days ago
    I know exactly what you mean with "only so many no's" I feel this way a lot. And I feel the laziness and the bad food cravings. Last night I had planned a chicken dish to cook with a friend, all I had to do was PUT IT IN THE OVEN, it had been marinating all day. But no, I suggested we go out because it's easier. I got Tokyo Joes, which wouldn't have been bad alone (brown rice and veggies!) but then we also got ice cream and wine. Welp, there went the hard work today! Good luck with your choices and your "no's" today, I think all this introspecting about it should be helpful? Also, think about all the things you are saying "yes" to: feeling better about your choices, physically feeling better, better fitting clothes, more energy, etc.
    1782 days ago

    Good for you for standing up so many times to temptation!
    1782 days ago
    At one point in my life I convinced myself I didn't like chocolate cake or ice cream. It worked for YEARS. But there is no fooling myself now a days lol
    1782 days ago
    Who needs $100 see-through yoga pants, anyway? Screw 'em. I was just ranting about this to my daughter not to long ago. It's hard finding cute and vibrant exercise clothes in larger sizes. Seems to me, the larger sized ladies are EXACTLY who one would want to market their clothes to.

    Ugh. Girl, I can FEEL your pain. The way you've written about this---I can relate so much and it SUCKS. I don't have any answers but I get it. After a while, it seems that, even though you are giving every effort toward the contrary, you end up obsessing about food. It feels in your face all the time and is a constant fight. I think food *is* an addiction for some of us. Most of the time I can usually keep cravings at bay long enough to make good choices but then sometimes I lay in bed at night craving pizza or will get triggered like your Dunkin Donuts story. *sigh*

    All I can say is keep up the good fight and don't let yourself get hungry. That's when bad choices happen. Also the more you exercise, the less you will want to sabotage anything with food. You can do this! AND you are doing so awesome!

    1782 days ago
    Delicious foods are always lurking and tanting! Bastards!ha Thank you for saying that you actually cried over not getting to eat when you guys were out. I didn't know if there was anyone else out there that loved food to the point of tears JUST LIKE ME! Sometimes I wish food wasn't so satisfying. I mean, I like getting a massage but I woudn't lose my temper about not receiving one. I like watching my favorite tv shows but I wouldn't find myself in mental termoil if I couldn't. WHY WHY WHY does food's clutch have to be so dang strong?!?!?!
    I feel like I have been doing a better job of steering clear of over indugling or not having certain foods that I like too often. But lots of times the desire is still there. Sometimes it is so strong it's like a presence. I know that sounds weird but that is the way I'd describe it.
    Balance is a good thing. And I think we are totally capable of maintaining that. I just need restaurants to help me out by not making their foods smell so good.
    And SCREW Lululemon!!! I had heard of them before. And that lots of women liked them but I can not tolerate people being segregated and called fat and unhealthy just because they are over a size 8. Whatev. :)
    1782 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/1/2013 11:57:35 AM
    Good for you! I know what you mean about the hauntings. I try to be reasonable and allow myself things here and there. I find it funny when I want something really bad and when I have it, it doesnt take as good as I imagined so then I dont want it lol.
    1782 days ago
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