Hello Friends & Team Mates;
It's been quite a long time since I've written a blog entry, for two days now I've thought of writing so I can remain In compliance with the Stress Buster Challenge. Yet I became concerned I'd have nothing to say or that my words might flow out making no sense I used to write each day, yet now I rarely do because of the emotions it brings up inside of me.
I admit there are times I am my own worst enemy when it comes to stress or stressors, when living too far inside my head listening to the wrong tapes that fear have played over & over, until it nearly drove me mad. I have long lived in fear of having another nervous breakdown that could do more damage to my brain. So much so I was afraid to leave the house. That wasn't good for me plus it did nothing to curb the fear.
So I thought back to how I lost 125lbs. back in 2001-2002. It was then I learned to stop eating emotionally, or stuffing my feelings as that was a big stressor. When I lost those 125lbs I actually felt as if I'd changed from inside out. I got thin by cleaning out the old fears, memories and by joining a gym making movement a daily part of letting go of weight. I learned Yoga oh how I loved that class, it made my entire body feel better from the inside out for awhile, until every time I was in Yoga class I would cry & cry.
So I began putting on weight as losses in my life began again, I allowed myself to put back on the weight not because of eating, but lack of movement because of the fire injury I couldn't go to the gym for months as this body healed. By the time I figured out what was going on within me the ballooning had begun once again. Then when I lost my oldest daughter due to her having a massive heart attack, then I lost her husband & my two grandchildren. I came home to pick up the pieces of my life after the memorial only to have my youngest daughter tell me she didn't want to be the surviving daughter she didn't want to be in this family anymore, she took her two children my other two grandchildren away.
I spent time walking & talking with God, talking to Ministers trying hard to fix whatever made my life fall apart again. For so long I stared up at the sky trying to find answers. I'd lost more than I could cope with I once again let fear take over I couldn't find any answers that made sense; I still weighed & measured food when I chose to eat something, I just stopped moving & living. Within one months time I lost my two daughters I loved, they were the best thing I'd ever done in my life, and being a Grammy oh that was the best ever having & helping to raise my daughters children brought a renewal to my life, a breath of fresh air, a reason to be the best I could be so I could share life with them as I had with my daughters as they grew up.
Although its been 4 years, the pain still hasn't gone away, my heart still hurts. I do what I have to do each day & just endure. I've learned that loss & fear are very huge stressors for me.
Well I think I've purged enough for now in this blog. I will continue to just breathe in-out whew..... repeat try to be helpful, count my blessings & not my woes and carry on....
Thank you all who read this blog, it's been such a long while; I still can't cry and that was the last blog I wrote before this; I know this too shall pass, tomorrow is a new beginning and I look forward to that with ease & joy.
Let my stressors float away in the creek, wash my soul clean.
Take care & Be well.
Many Blessings Always Debby