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July 30, 2013

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

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Focusing on the kindnesses...
~there was someone at home at all times when Carleigh or Noah got home from school
~he fixed stuff in the house and I did not have to hire a contractor to do it.
~my dogs were exercised daily on the long runs he would take them on.
~my garbage cans were taken out every Sunday night.
~he taught Noah to swim and ride a bike

I am a human being...not perfect in any way, shape, or form. Since the 17th I have been struggling. Struggling with something I have no control over: the freaking past and still the dishonesty of my ex-husband. I am praying for God to help me move through this with a little less heartache.

Tomorrow I go to an attorney to sign documents for something else related to this past I shared with him. I am the grown-up; I get to face things head-on and as honestly as possible and it is humiliating and degrading but I have to walk through those feelings and do it anyway.

He lived a rather high life. The amount of money he had coming to him during that time is money I never saw, money our kids never saw. I survived paycheck to paycheck supporting our girls.

It is just really hard to accept what I need to accept...I had this wacky idea in my head that I could help him; that he was a changed person...that we could have a functional friendship. That was my illusion, my little bubble that just got obliterated. Accepting the things we cannot change...people, places, things.

I put my life on hold to help someone else attempt to redo theirs...and he didn't really even want to. That is pretty messed up. I am totally going back to al-anon this week.

Emotions around the house are yucky. Took the kids to the duck pond and walked around today. What I need to do for me is get on that treadmill. I will be dropping Noah off with his dad this evening; I will have time for exercise then.

Refocusing on the kindnesses done to me will help get me out of the funk I am in. Thanks for listening. Blessings emoticon
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