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Monday, July 22, 2013

It's illegal in baseball to use performance-enhancing drugs, but I watched the All-Star Game. Every commercial was for Viagra. During the game my son said, 'Dad, did he say 'reptile dysfunction?' And I said, 'Yeah, he did. They're talking about malfunctioning reptiles.' --Dave Letterman

A Utah senator proposed a bill that would no longer require kids to go to school. But then someone noticed that the senator was just three boys in a trench coat standing on top of each other's shoulders. -Conan O'Brien

President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli is his favorite food. You know, it's one thing to lie to the voters, but when you're lying to kids, come on. -Jay Leno

Enough with the theatrics, Mister President. Republicans don't look at these photos and say, "Look how hot he is. Global warming must be real." They look at these photos and say, "Remember Louie Armstrong? He was one of the good ones." They just don't...quite get it. Okay. -Bill Maher

The ladies of 'The View' have to dry their tears, say their goodbyes, and admit what I have: No woman can ever replace Elisabeth Hasselbeck. She must be replaced by "Big Mouth Billy Bass" Why? Well, one's made of lifelike rubber, always says the same thing, and was so annoying it was kind of funny ten years ago. And the other is "Big Mouth Billy Bass." -Bill Maher

Don't send your leftover Romney/Ryan t-shirts to poor kids in Africa! I applaud the gesture, but it's not fair to Republicans. They're going to see this ad and think, "Boy, our message is really resonating with young voters in Detroit!" -Bill Maher

Ten years ago, there were 10,000 border patrol agents. Now, there are 21,000. The new bill would up it to 38,000. Why? Because Republicans hate big government. -Bill Maher

Twinkies are back. You can get the Twinkies at your favorite supermarket or wherever you buy sponge rubber and foam insulation products. -Dave Letterman

There's a new website that allows you to use Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, surf the web, and read all the news in one place. That one place is called 'work.' -Conan O'Brien

The FDA says it will limit the amount of pain reliever found in Vicodin. Which explains my new substitute for Vicodin: two Vicodin. -Jimmy Fallon
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