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Not the one

Monday, July 22, 2013

I've had 3 serious boyfriends in my life. As of last Saturday they every last one of them talked about marriage, and then left me. There's a distinct possibility I'm developing a complex.
But that's not the point right now.

The point is, after the first two there was a brief period where it felt like there was a hole in my chest, so empty I actually didn't know how I would carry on with my life. It was months before I could even think about them without ugly crying, and I wasted a good deal of time day dreaming about them realising what they'd lost and running back to me.

But this time I'm fine. I've cried of course, but I suspect that has more to do with the fact that I'm now 25 and single when it was in my life plan to be married and have at least one child by now, and I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to find someone who will even look at me twice never mind marry me. But there is no chest-hole. My life is carrying on just fine. I'm clearly already quite a way toward getting over him.

Which leads me to the point. I do still (just barely) believe in The One; that one person who is such a good match for you that the thought of them not being in your life is just impossible. So maybe it's for the best that bf left me, because I've adjusted to not having him in my life in just under two days. He's clearly not the one.
I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time trying to convince myself he was.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Totally agree with everyone else. I met my now husband at age 27, when I was ending an 18 month relationship with someone else. When I think back to how many broken hearts (and not so broken hearts) I had over guys that, by the time I was older, I realized would have made horrible husbands for me.

    It sucks, and good for you on not wallowing. You are a wonderful person and I'm sure your perfect match will find you soon!

    1706 days ago
    1706 days ago
    I love my husband. But I don't NEED him. I WANT him in my life, but there is no incredible NEED. And I think that's a good thing. If you've gotten over this guy that quickly... it's probably for the best. And like everyone else says, you're still young. My dad found the love of his life after 50. (I'm not saying this to discourage you, honest!) I guess what I'm saying is this: stop looking for love and it will find you. Focus on YOU, and it will fall in your lap. Easier said than done, I know, but it CAN be done. emoticon
    1706 days ago
    I'm 48-years-old. I've never been married, or had kids. And that is certainly not the life I had planned for myself, but you know what? I have an amazing life. I have great friends, a beautiful niece and nephew whom I adore, I've traveled all over the world and have had experiences that few people can claim. And there have certainly been men in my life, including one now, who may possibly after all this time, be "the old".

    It sucks to invest time in a relationship and have it not work out, and it sucks even more to think that our judgement is flawed when it comes to partners, but don't sell yourself short, and don't give up on love. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it.
    1706 days ago
    I leave you with these lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Alanis Morissette:

    You live, you learn
    You love, you learn
    You cry, you learn
    You lose, you learn
    You bleed, you learn
    You scream, you learn.

    You grieve, you learn
    You choke, you learn
    You laugh, you learn
    You choose, you learn
    You pray, you learn
    You ask, you learn
    You live, you learn.

    All it means, of course, is, we learn. Always and all the time, we learn.

    I used to believe in that whole "the one" thing. Truly did. After almost 3 years of therapy though, I let that notion go, and now believe that we make decisions and that's what counts. We decide to love someone, we decide to accept them with their flaws and everything, but we choose them. Receiving love from someone is a responsibility, while being in love, is a vulnerability. So staying with them, is a decision. Love is a feeling, sure. And no one can tell you who to love, it's either there or it's not. But we're the ones who make that decision: to stay with the person or not.

    My point is: you've learned from this. It has made you stronger -it is making you stronger, and wiser. Now it's all about you -being with yourself, and enjoying yourself. "The one" (or the smart guy who runs into you at both the right time in his life and your life, and makes the decision to stay in a relationship for the long run), is somewhere out there. But the beauty of it is that now you've realized you only need yourself to be happy. That's the key.

    All the best, dear spark friend.
    1734 days ago
    Olivia, I'm so sorry.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1735 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/25/2013 4:33:43 PM
  • AMBER281
    The right guy is out there and he will be the lucky one to find someone as wonderful as you!
    1735 days ago
    You are much more of a catch than you think you are! Sorry to hear things didn't pan out, but you seem pretty okay with it. You're right, there will be someone out there who's a better match.
    Everyone's lives and time frames are different. It was never my plan to meet my match at 17, get engaged at 19, and have 2 kids before I was 21. I'll be 26 later this year, and still haven't made it to college (which was my plan!). But, I love my life and my family.
    When the time is right for you, stuff will fall in line. I don't know if your religious or spiritual or what, but I believe that our plans and time frames are not always what whatever higher power has planned.
    I'm just glad to hear that you're handling this better now. Keep your head up!
    1735 days ago
    Life plans are quite adaptable. And in time you will realize that the original plan is not even worth regretting. emoticon
    1735 days ago
    I only had 1 serious boyfriend in my life and we were together for 4,5 years. I'm single for about 2 years (meaning there was nobody whom I could call my boyfriend). I figured out that the most difficult part after a relationship is not to find the next one, but to find yourself. Just take your time to heal and re-define your goals for your life. Don't see it as a restart, but as a do-over; you are learning from each relationship and you are getting more mature.

    1735 days ago
    I believe in someone who is right but you have to be right for them also. 25 is a wonderful time to enjoy meeting men who are not the One just so you can find out what is important to you. I think the strongest marriages come to people after they are 25.

    But I am glad that this one is not hurting so much. Do take care of yourself you are special in a good way
    1735 days ago
    Sounds far too familiar. Good luck finding The One, and your own happiness!
    1736 days ago
    I am glad that you are able to deal with the breakup better. All the hugs and through-online-waves-support.
    1736 days ago
  • NEEDBU66
    It's very good to realize before you're married that he's not the one, then to find out after you are married and have had that kid.

    The One will come when it's time.
    1736 days ago
    You have a lot of time to find him. I'm sure he's out there somewhere and you'll know it when you've met him. emoticon
    1736 days ago
    He's out there. You're still so young!

    1736 days ago
    1736 days ago
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