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So........Does This Make Me A Bad Person?

Sunday, July 21, 2013

This is going to be a lengthy ranty've been warned!!! So one June 28th my sister moved into my house. For a year now now she has been in and out of the hospital, she will never admit it it is all due to her drinking. Well she became very ill and could hardly walk and became dehydrated and malnourished (drinking and not eating). In the hospital she was a fall risk and didn't listen and stay in bed as a result she fell twice and sustained a head injury. Se then checked herself out against medical advice. She then wound up here. The first night here I saw she had a gallon of vodka in the things she bought here, I hid it. I was called every name in the book. I explained as long as she was in my house there would be no drinking. I also told her there is no smoking in my house (I have C.O.P.D.) she said she understood. The next morning there is a cigarette butt put out on one of my coasters,when confronted she lied and said she didn't do it.....she is the only one who smokes!!!! So a week later my house smelled like smoke again told her about again. Next week I find another cigarette butt, I told her I was sick of it.Once again she said she didn't do it.I told her that even her smoking out on my porch effects my breathing because it comes through the windows plus she carries it in with her on her clothes, She told me it doesn't effect my health...I then told her that August 31st is her last day in my house.

I feel guilty because she is homeless and has no income but she is unwilling to help herself.
I am trying to get her welfare benefits but she claims that she calls but they never return her calls. I have a parade of occupational and physical therapists, nurse and social workers parading through my house because the hospital set them up. She only half ass does what they tell her to do This is going to be even a bigger problem now that my DD is back home for the rest of the summer. She suffers from depression and hates strangers in her space. To make this all worse my sister is acting like she entitled to run my household!!! She is wondering out on the front porch at 1 in the morning to smoke and then leaving the door unlocked when she comes in. She acts like I owe her something. This is a person who has stolen my identity twice a rung up $1,500 in cell phone bills in my name. Has told me she has M.S and had part of her kidney removed because of kidney cancer....medical people coming here say none of this is in her records. So does it make me a bad person if I stick to my guns and get out of my house on August 31st....even if welfare hasn't kicked in?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    How could you even think that you are being a bad person!!! You have gone above and beyond!! You are being more than generous giving her so much time!! I understand it is hard when it is family but you must think of your well being and your immediate family!! Stick to your guns and be strong! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2843 days ago
    I stumbled over your blog from my friend feed...

    In my humble opinion you are a saint for putting up with this to the extent you have. She has a little over a month to take care of business. Stand firm. YOU deserve a healthy life and so does your DD. Your sister is not willing to meet the terms of your household and now she will have to go.

    Be prepared to change your locks, and be prepared for drama -prepare NOW and hope that you don't have to use any of your preparations. But be prepared.

    It will probably get worse before it gets better... so stand firm, and remember YOU are worthy and capable. You will only be enabling a bad situation if you continue to allow her to control your household. Do the right (hard) thing. In the end, you will be better for it, and hopefully your sister will eventually pull herself together. But you are not responsible for your adult sister. Her choices are her own.

    Be Well.

    2844 days ago
    You are SO not a bad person! You aren't really helping her if you let her continue to stay. Frankly, waiting until August 31st is more than generous. You can't help someone if they don't want to be helped themselves. To be honest, I would have kicked her out already - does that make me a bad person? COPD is nothing to be trifled with and she's putting you at risk. She's putting your daughter at risk because of your DD's depression. She's putting your whole family at risk by leaving the door open at night. She's your sister; but is it worth risking so much? I love my brother dearly; but if we were in your situation, he'd be out on his butt. My opinion, but I think your sister is taking advantage of your kindness and making you feel guilty.

    Stick to your guns, stay strong and know I'm here for you anytime sister! Don't let yourself feel guilty.
    2844 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4916938
    You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. Your sister is lucky to have you and you shouldn't let her take advantage. I think you have given her plenty of notice and should stick to your guns.
    2845 days ago
    No, no, no--you've done much more to help her than she's done for herself. And until she's willing to help herself, she has to be her own problem--not yours. If you enable her, why should she ever change? Blood or not. Enough is enough! Bless, you, Sweetie!
    2845 days ago
    You are not a bad person. You are a good person dealing with a difficult situation. It's a sad story, but not one you can control. Risking your health will not make your sister see anything differently. She will seek help only when she makes that choice. What you must do is take care of yourself. You can't help her when she is ready if your health is broken. I feel for you.
    2846 days ago
    You really aren't helping your sister by not sticking to your guns. You are enabling her. She is an addict and, unless she admits to it, whatever the addiction is will win out every time. She has to want help. I know this is not easy for you, but you have to get her out of your house. Talk to a city or county social worker and explain she can not continue to live there. Many times, they will work with family members to help find a place for people to live. She should qualify for SSI benefits.

    You can't put yourself and your daughter at risk. You two have to come first.

    BTW, I do have to agree with the other posts...this was a very short rant for a long rant.

    emoticon emoticon
    2846 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    What a was, sad story but I agree with everyone else you do have to look after yourself. If she was being respectful that would be one thing, but she is not so she has been warned ans she has to go. I can understand that this is very hard but she is making her choices and she will have to live with them. I feel for you as. I can understand now this hurts.
    Be brave as you are doing the right thing!
    2846 days ago
    No, you are not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination. You have to take care of your health first, and your daughter, and your sister is compromising both of those priorities. Simply being related, no matter how close the relationship, is not a license for family to take advantage of you and jeopardize your well being. As sad as it is sometimes you just have to cut the ties. You tried, you've done what you your sister has to do her share, and if she can't or won't you are not obligated to go on shouldering the entire load.

    I wish you luck and send lots of hugs your way. Family is always the hardest to deal with.

    I had to kick my grandmother out of my home because of her behavior - caused by her developing dementia, but it got to be too much. She was calling my then 12 year old daughter a c**t and assorted other similar words, and becoming a danger. I had to deal with some backlash from other family members who did not want to believe what it was like, but I had to put my children before anyone else.
    2846 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/21/2013 4:17:55 PM
    Honestly your rant wasn't that long. If your sister has no income, has medical problems, alcoholic or whatever and is incapable of holding a job and is indigent she probably would qualify for SSI and become a ward of the State and they can find a place for her... It may be in detox hospital then when she's go to a group home. I think I would find out what state hospital handles her problems with 24 hr care and drop her off she would then be given a social worker ... That's what I know of the system. Hope that helps.
    2846 days ago
    Stick to your guns. She is not helping herself and she could ruin your life also. My wife's younger sister was an alcoholic and she ended up dying in her 40s because she simply wouldn't take care of herself - nothing mattered but the alcohol. She left her husband, her family, and then almost ruined her parent's life by living with them for several years. Even though they forbade her to have alcohol in the house, she had it hid everywhere. After she moved in to their cabin on some acreage, she then proceeded to burn it down by falling asleep while smoking. Don't let your sisters poor decisions ruin both of your lives. Sorry if I'm not too sympathetic towards her plight. You have to want to help yourself...
    2846 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    I think you need to reiterate your stand to her again, now that the heat of the moment has passed. Tell her that even though she thinks her smoking doesn't affect you, that it absolutely does. That her drinking and other behavior puts your household in turmoil. And, most importantly, her presence is causing your daughter further stress at a time when she is emotionally fragile. Tell her that you're not angry (you sound more sad than angry to me) but that she can't stay. She will be leaving August 31st regardless of if she has a place to go or not, regardless of her health at that time, and regardless of any promises she might make you.

    Then make some phone calls on your own. Talk to the social/healthcare workers coming through your house and find out who is coordinating her case and talk to him/her. Lay it out for them, and make sure they understand that you are serious, that come August 31 she will be out of your house. I think sometimes if there is family available to help this type of case gets a lower priority than the cases where a person truly is homeless so they need to know that she will be.

    You've done all you can for her. More than most people would have. You need to protect yourself and your daughter now.

    One more thing - check with the police or a lawyer about tenants' rights. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out. I know a guy who had a situation many years ago. He was renting a house and allowed his sister to move in and stay with him. She wasn't on the lease and wasn't paying rent. When he asked her to leave she refused. He went to the police for advice and was told that he would have to go through the legal process of evicting her which would take quite a while. Even though she wasn't on the lease, wasn't paying rent, and was just "staying with him" - because she said she lived there he would've had to go through the whole legal ordeal. He moved as soon as his lease was up so that solved the problem, but that's not an option for you so you might check into your local laws.
    2846 days ago
    You tried your best and there's a point where we have to let go when the person isn't doing their part. Stick to your guns. You've got your own life to take care of.
    2846 days ago
    emoticon more thing...your long rant...was very short indeed...I guess you haven't read a few of MINE! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2846 days ago
    Here's the thing about family...they DO think they are entitled. Simply by blood DNA.

    I remember a wonderful thing that I saw on Oprah once with Dr. Robin...she said "Simply because you are related to someone through birth doesn't mean that you would let them disrepect you in ANY way that you would ever tolerate from a non relative."

    Obviously your sister has realized that you are an easy mark and is using the manipulation that all addicts are so good at.

    When my dear daughter and I finally came to the end of our relationship putting her into rehab over and over again...driving her to AA meetings over and over again, having her steal, threaten and destroy every bit of sanity I had...I finally said enough!

    I finally explained to her...but who knows if she was straight when I took the effort..."If we are playing a game against drugs..I'll lose EVERY single time...these last 10 years of my effort to help you...have finally made this lesson sink into my pea brain. I will not let you destroy or influence your younger brother's life through the demise of your own."

    We were estranged for many, many years and just now have started a telephone relationship again. I told her...I am your mother and I will always love you and I will always encourage you...but finally self survival instincts kicked in for have to take responsibility for your own long as you have someone else to be your crutch you are not learning the life lessons you were put on this earth to learn.

    Stand cannot save people from themselves...blessings to you and your sister! emoticon emoticon
    2846 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/21/2013 9:54:31 AM
    I unfortunately had similar with my sister,she lived with me and her 3 children at the time she now has 4 for around 4-5 months as she split from her ex and eventually had to kick her and her children out as she would go off with various different men leaving me to care for my children and hers till early hours with ages between 4 and 9 yrs old (5 of which are special needs) waking up asking me is mummy still out having sex and has she still got a **** in her,also having to try and explain to my children what various sex toys were that she left lying around,she had no respect for my home at all,allowing her children to damage several bits of my furniture and would come back drunk as anything.
    It was a hard decision to make, mainly because of the children and her being family, but I just couldn't live like that anymore.
    Sometimes you have to think of yourself and be strong enough to say NO MORE!
    Good luck with it all hun
    2846 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/21/2013 6:48:02 AM
    Stay strong and yes, stick to your guns when it comes to taking care of your own health. May the peace of God give you strength..
    2846 days ago
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