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I'm Kind of Lost Right Now

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Tommy on our last trip to New Mexico. This was at White Sands where we were sitting on the dunes waiting to watch the incredible sunset. He loved this place and I'm so thankful God allowed me to share this with him.

They say God works in mysterious ways and that everything happens for a reason. When I began Tommy’s journey with him in September 2009 after his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer, we were told he probably had six to twelve months to live. That’s because the doctor didn’t know how stubborn Tommy was and what a zest for life he had. I won’t repeat all of our story since most of it I’ve already written about. My “Best Friends” blog, however, gained a lot of unexpected attention. In short, this was about our three legged Doberman Pinscher, Thor, coming into our lives and teaching Tommy about the love of a dog and how the two of them became best friends and finally ended up battling cancer together.

For some reason, I pulled back away from my computer the last few weeks only checking in occasionally on Spark People and Facebook. I felt a need to spend more time with family and my boys (both two legged and three legged). Tommy, Thor and I would go for rides to the river, drive to the Dairy-O for ice-cream, just whatever we felt like doing. I couldn’t quite understand myself why I felt a restlessness, but now I realize this was God at work in our lives.

This morning both Thor and I are broken hearted as we have both lost our best friend. Tommy started to feel bad a couple of days ago with what appeared to be a cold, but Thursday he was weak and unsteady on his feet and was developing a cough. I took him to the emergency room that day and was told he had very quickly developed pneumonia due to his weakened immune system and had become septic. The wonderful staff at the hospital and his oncologist fought so hard for him, but despite all of their efforts, Tommy passed away peacefully yesterday just a couple of minutes before noon.

There was a flurry of activity in my home last night, well meaning family and friends wanting to keep me busy and laughing by sharing stories of Tommy’s antics. While it did help to smile and be with them, I couldn’t help but notice Thor and the way he was moping around. We took turns petting him and playing with him, but he was looking for his best friend who was nowhere to be found. I sit here this morning in my now quiet and empty home drinking my cup of coffee after making a full pot and pulling out two coffee cups before remembering that I only needed one. I am trying to comfort what appears to be a grieving dog who knows something is not right. I know I cannot fill Tommy’s shoes for Thor, but I will do my best to take him on the daily walks that he shared with his best friend and keep him happy and comfortable while he continues his own fight against cancer. It’s what Tommy would want.

Thor in his favorite place in our van, watching out the front window and helping Tommy drive.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    I'm just back on sparkpeople after a year off and I am so sorry to hear about Tommy passing away! I will be keeping you in my prayers especially with Christmas approaching.

    Love and hugs sent your way,

    1661 days ago
    Cindy prayers go out to you and your family and Thor....so sorry for your loss, may the Lord surround you with his Peace and hug you with his Love.
    1722 days ago
  • JAMER123
    Dear Cindy, my heart hurts for you and Thor. You both are grieving for Tommy and grief can be very deep. It sounds like you have a strong faith in God. Lean on him to get your strength for the coming months. Sending prayers to you and for Thor as well. God bless you.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1726 days ago
    Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my deepest sympathy's. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
    Hugs to you & Thor,
    Ronda & Oreo emoticon
    1727 days ago
    Hugs. That is a great picture of him at White Sands. Remember all the happiness he brought you and Thor.
    1738 days ago
    Oh my gosh, Cindy, I'm crying. I'm so sorry you lost Tommy. My heart goes out to you and his buddy, Thor. What a beautiful post you've written, what beautiful memories you have from the time you had together.

    I don't know what else to say except I care, and I'm thinking of you.

    1738 days ago
    Dear, Dear Cindy ---
    I ran to your blog as soon as I got your message ==== and read it with a giant lump in my throat and an ache in my heart!

    I think I said it all in my message back to you ---- but just know you are loved, admired and revered for the person you are === and for the wonderful life you gave Tommy - right up to the end.

    I know you and Thor will be a comfort to each other!

    Love and hugs......Libby
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1756 days ago
    Thinking of you!
    Love & Hugs to you and Thor!
    1756 days ago
    emoticon for you and Thor It is so hard even though you knew it would come my heart goes out to you
    .My mam died Wednesday and although we knew she was failing it was still a shock
    So I know what you are going through at the moment My prayers are for you and your family emoticon
    1757 days ago
    I am very very sorry for your loss.
    Know that you are in our thoughts and our hearts.
    1766 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    Oh, Cindy, I am so very sorry to hear that Tommy's journey here has ended. Very sorry that you have lost your soulmate.

    I think I speak for most of your friends here on Sparkpeople when I say that it was very clear to us through your writing that you enriched each other's lives and made the most of your time together, and Tommy's time on earth. No regrets is a wonderful way to live, and to die. Still, I know you must be feeling like you're in some deep, dark hole, so I'm sending big hugs your way. If you could turn one of those hugs into a rub for Thor, that would be good, too ....

    Thinking of you,

    1767 days ago
  • ODAT1117
    I am so sorry that you have to go through this horrible loss, Cindy. I cannot imagine how it must hurt. I know you have already found a way to seek out the good but I also know that you will have days of profound pain. I am so glad that Thor is there with you and that the two of you understand how special Tommy is. I know he is with you both and will always be.


    Thinking of you and sending many hugs...........

    1767 days ago
  • DEBLYNN323
    emoticon ...so sorry for your loss.
    1767 days ago
    Oh I'm am so sorry to hear about your loss! I'm sending hugs and my thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry for Thor too. Dogs do grieve so much over the loss of a loved one. I'm so glad you had the quality time the last few weeks that you talked about.
    1768 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/21/2013 2:11:41 PM
    emoticon I am so sorry for your loss....keep your love in your heart for Tommy, he sounds like a remarkable guy.
    1768 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. I am hopeful that you can help Thor and Thor can help you. I am sorry, I am a bit speechless. Beautiful blog. Your husband was lucky to have you in his life. It seems you had a very special relationship. Thor is lucky to have you as well. HUGS
    1768 days ago
    I am sorry for your loss. I have followed your story. There have been many blessings along the way. Hugs to you and your family.
    1769 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear about Tommy. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.. You will see Tommy again and he will be happy and healthy again. NO horrible cancer..
    Take care of yourself and Thor.. emoticon emoticon
    1769 days ago
    Cindy, so sorry for your loss and , at the same time, so happy that you know the Lord had a plan and gave you such precious time with Tommy. The blogs you shared with us were so inspiring and the photos of Tommy and Thor are awesome. If I can be of help in any way please send me mail. emoticon
    1769 days ago
    This I know, is so hard for you, my dear friend. I lost a daughter who was only 12 1/2 months old to Cystic Fibrosis, and the pain I felt was so overbearing at the time.

    I'm just so glad that you both got to spend as much time together as possible. I see the pictures you have posted of your trips, and you have made so many great memories, and had so much fun.

    I'm crying right now, just knowing how sad you and Thor are, Animals are very receptive, and they know a lot more than we think they do.

    I'm so glad that you are so strong in your faith to be able to get through this a little easier with knowing God!

    I am so glad that you have such a strong support system with family and friends, as this is so important right now.

    Big Big emoticon , Cindy!
    1769 days ago
    I'm sorry about Tommy. I hope you and Thor help each other to find your way together.
    Hugs and prayers.
    1769 days ago
  • _JODI404

    I just knew when I saw this blog title..... I am so, so sorry that your time with Tommy has ended. I cannot even imagine losing my husband. My mind can't even fathom that loss.

    What a blessing that you had such great instincts and guidance from God over those last several weeks! How wonderful that you really enjoyed your time together doing fun things. You've really made wonderful memories together with great trips and great times -- I am often in awe of how well you two got out there and really LIVED to the fullest.

    The images of you pulling down the second coffee cup, and Thor looking for his best buddy are just so very heavy on my heart. Life is short, and each loss we experience or are touched by is a new reminder of our own mortality, and to live life to the fullest, not take anyone for granted, and love deeply and always express that love to your loved ones. Make sure they know how deeply they are loved. You & Tommy definitely did that.

    I'm glad you have family and great friends that are there to support you. From my experience, there just are no words to really console... but a heartfelt hug is healing. I'm sending a big virtual hug to both you & Thor.

    When I had to put one of my cats down in April, we had the vet come to our home. She had us bring his sister down to see his body so that she would know and have closure. The vet said it is very important. She looked very briefly, and the vet said, oh yes -- she knows. I think that helped a lot -- I'm so glad the vet had us do that because they were not only brother and sister, but truly best friends, always together.

    It's so sad that Thor has cancer too. I know you will be a wonderful companion to each other during this painful and difficult time.

    You have been on my mind, in my prayers throughout this day. I will keep you in my prayers for strength and peace.

    Sending you hugs, love, and light.

    ~ Jodi emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1769 days ago
    emoticon for both you and Thor! And prayers!
    1769 days ago
  • NEWAT56
    So sorry for your loss. I too have followed your journey. May God comfort you in peace.
    1769 days ago
    Sending a hug and a prayer!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1769 days ago
  • SOUPY18
    My prayers and thoughts are with you at this difficult time. My the memories of Tommy and the love you shared serve as a blessing.
    Sue emoticon
    1769 days ago
    Dear Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. My heat breaks for you and Thor and all your family. I feel like I know you & Tommy from following all your stories and seeing the pictures from all your adventures together. You are truly blessed to have spent so many wonderful times together. Please know that you have many friends here on SP who are sending you love. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
    emoticon emoticon
    1769 days ago
  • RAMONA1954
    Cindy, I'm so sorry to hear of Tommy's passing. It's a hard adjustment when you lose you husband and best friend. It's hard on our pets too. I remember all too well when my husband died of a heart attack at home. Remember the good times you had together. My heart goes out to you and Thor especially. May God bless you and keep you in His loving embrace. Sending you and Thor love and big hugs,
    Ramona emoticon
    1769 days ago
  • VICKI1215
    I'm so sorry for your loss! I'll be sending prayers your way!
    1769 days ago
    I am so sorry. I am sending love your way.

    emoticon emoticon
    1770 days ago
    I am truly sorry for your loss. After living through the same thing with both my father and father-in-law within 6 months of each other, the loss at times can seem unbearable.....continue putting out two coffee cups as long as you want....Dogs have an inane sense of ESP.....don't be surprised if Thor lets you know that Tommy is around in your house watching over you. This happens all the time with my Mom's dogs and my own dogs in my house.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers!
    1770 days ago
    1770 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. Cancer is a terrible thing, but it has taught me to keep moving and living. I lost my father three years ago, but he like your Tommy, LIVED right up to the end. Though I don't know you, please know that my prayers are with you and Thor today and with your Tommy who has gone on.
    1770 days ago
    Dear Cindy, though so far away, though we have never met, though I never knew Tommy, today is such a sad day and I'm crying. There are not enough words in the world to tell you how sorry I am, I have no words of consolation, just prayers and thoughts for Tommy, for you and your family (two and three legged).
    Cindy, from the other side of the world I send you warm thougts. My heart is with you

    Hugs to you and Thor

    1770 days ago
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