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July 17, 2013

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

It has been some days since I last blogged. I have been sad. I learned that my fiance had been talking with his ex again. Some might think no biggy right. Well I was going to think no biggy but it quickly changed to something else, not sure for a good word to call it right now. But he had told her that he wishes that he had brought her the roses he was going to bring her instead of reconnecting with me after a fewyears of lost connection. That he wished he was with her because he would still have a super high pay job and all the things he would ever want he could get and not have to think about finances. And if he were with her he would be in CT still. I guess one good word to describe how I feel is depression. We had finally decided a date or at least month when we are going to get married. But if he is telling this to her and all, maybe I should call it off. Depression equals high stress and stress tends to lead to weight gained back on. I gained the last twenty five pounds I had lost all back. However in the last day or two I have lost that same twenty five again and another twenty on top of it. So now I am down to 220 pounds for my current weight. I confronted him about it and he blew up on me. He said he needed to talk to someone and blow off some steam aka vent to someone. Why cant he just talk to me? I understand needing to talk to someone but an ex that was almost a fiance at one point is not the one to run to in my opinion. I was supposed to have my first dress try on or looking this saturday, which I would be doing alone. I have no family here and only a couple friends but they work some strange hours. Anyway, I have called and cancelled to reschedule at a later time and date. I didnt have doubt in my mind about this getting married but after learning what I have about the way he talks to her/with her I have to stop myself and think twice. I dont want to end up in an unhappy and miserable marriage like my mother and only try to stick it out because we have kids. I understand that we should try AGAIN to work through stuff but if it always has him going running to her then idk what to do. I will only ever get married one time and then if (god forbid) it didnt work I would not remarry. Wow, this got long fast. Well I have to take my 5 year old to his therapies now. He has global aphasia which he was born with but was only just recently diagnosed with. His biological father had thrown me down a flight of concrete stairs while i was pregnant with him, resulting in the Global Aphasia. I will check back with you all later. Hope everyone is having a good wednesday and keeps chugging along.

~Bndgdrgn emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for your comments. I have three amazing children that require my every moments attention. I am a beautiful person and beyond amazing mother. I grew up in an abusive situation and not just physically. I will continue on my path to better myself for my children and myself. I will lose this weight and get into a healthier me. I deserve the best and so do my children. Sad part is that my fiance was the one that treated me differently than my previous relationships. Sad to think that it may be one of those, they go different once you spend years together. We have been together since September 4 2004. I met him when I was sixteen in high school as a junior. We had a brief couple years apart as I was forced to change schools because I was bullied and harrassed everywhere i went. Then he graduated and went into teh US navy. I found him and we reconnected. I dont want to think "what if he is right...what if things would have been better if we didnt get back in touch and pick up where we left off". I dont want to think that way and have not thought that way ever, especially because my middle and youngest are his dna children. Does he regret them as well as myself? Idk.

    However on a better note. I took my minions to the local library today. We walked, even though it is warm/hot out we went for a walk and went to the library. I never got to go to the library or have library books growing up but I will be damned if my kids dont get to have the life that they deserve. When my five year old goes to school for the first time this August 14th I will also be starting my college classes again online this time, via penn foster university. I will get my degree and begin a successful and rewarding career. Not just for myself but more so for my minions. :)

    Thank you for all the support you all give me. *hugz*
    ~Bndgdrgn emoticon
    1742 days ago
  • EG8383
    wow, it's hard to comment when I'm sure there is more to all this but in my opinion I think going through with the wedding isn't a good idea. You need to make sure he's in for the long road with you and has no intentions of getting back with his ex. But I think it's obvious that his heart and mind isn't 100% in line with you in this relationship and engagement. I know this is difficult to deal with but at the end it will be for the best for you. You are beautiful, smart and worth real love, appreciation, and support. Seems like you've had a rough time in love but continue to love yourself and work towards things that make you happy. If one marriage fail don't close the door on it forever. You do find love unexpectedly. Every relationship requires a lot of work to keep it flowering. There are good and not so good moments but with true love all can be conquered! Keep your keep up!
    1742 days ago
    Your blog post saddened me. I am sorry that you have been going through some tough times. Did you know that you are special, and deserving of love? Did you know that you deserve better than you are receiving? You are an amazing woman, but you have believed somewhere along lifes way that you are not worthy of true love. I think that is why you have made some choices in boyfriends that have not been in your best interest. Please get help. There are clinics that can help you with your depression. I am afraid that this pattern of finding "love with the wrong man" will continue to be perpetuated. If the father of your son loved you he wouldn't have been abusive, if this present man loved you he wouldn't be talking to his ex. He wouldn't be saying the things he is to her. You deserve better, but you must believe that you deserve better. You are a mom now and you have a great responsibility to your son. You both deserve a better life, and I think that you are the one who has to make the positive changes to see that you get it. As for your boyfriend/fiance....he thinks he would be happier because he would have more money with his ex. If things were so great between them, then why aren't they still together? Let him go. Get some assistance, believe that you are worthy of true love, a love that will put your needs first. Stay the course with your weight. Break the cycle of eating because you are angry, bored, sad, or what ever. Do this for yourself. I believe you are an amazing human being who has been through a lot. Don't give up!!! You can do this, you can break the cycle of poor choices, you can get help, you can have success, you can, I believe you are able. I know you can do it!
    1742 days ago
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