AJALDER20T
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emotional mud---or is it quicksand?

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

first of all, thanks to anyone and everyone who has sent positive energy my way relating to my previous posts(rants).
I know a few things at this point,
a. nothing that i want to do FOR MY SELF is going to be easy, mostly because I haven't truely been doing very much for myself since I moved up here and especially since the day I was accused of being selfish.
b. it is TIME for me to really think about myself. I have let a fear of becoming a heartless selfish individual play huge part into running myself into the ground emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Enough is enough.
c. I am not proud of myself having failed at so many things before. I have not accomplished ANYTHING that I would have thought that I was going to do in my life at this point, but I CANNOT ALLOW my life to be over. I have to do better for myself, and consider myself, especially regarding the history that I do NOT have other people in my life, especially locally who have the time and energy for me. Too much other poo is happening all the time, and to be honest, I am not comfortable divulging information to anyone.
d. I have to reiterate to myself that it IS okay to be concerned with myself, someone has to take care of me, and it is obviously ME.
e. I HAVE to make a plan. I have SO MANY things in my life that I need to work on, that I have allowed to get out of hand, and of course the spiraling of depression, the state of absolute neglect that my relationship has been in for years, the financial debt-depths I have created trying to be a good person and helping out to pay for things that I had been told were taken care of....

I cannot allow this pit of despair (because there is no way else i can describe it at this point) to get any deeper, but I will be filling in the void alone. Or, not alone, I should not discount how much it means to me that otherwise strangers out there in internet-land come here, read my whining crap, and lend their ears, their hearts, their sympathies to me. I should also not discount the importance of my pets in helping to keep me from the teetering edge of the pit. I should also not expect any friends that I may have had, may have, or family, to bear all this weight. I have been crushed by it, listened to myself lying moaning under its weight and now, I am ready to be done with this weight.
However, I know that the easy way is not going to be the way that I can do it. The "easy" way would be to pick up my things, leave this place and this dead relationship, move home with my parents or with several friends who have offered me a home in several places around the U.S., the get away from the anchor that is dragging me down. I have other steps I have to take care of first and I have to TRY to see myself better before making that huge decision of leaving here or not.
I AM going to try. I am going to try not to sink again. I am going to try to find the rays of light, but I have a lot to work on and unfortunately, I think the first big step to financial freedom, and a pathway, is going to be to stop being a nice-guy, and stop "helping" financially. Not only is it not repaid but it is also just unappreciated and drags me down financially and emotionally, surprisingly more so emotionally. How can you have a relationship if you can't even say "thank-you"?

I hope I can be the right kind of selfish, because I DO deserve to be happy. That isn't selfish, that is healthy. Right??? emoticon
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