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Thank you to all my Sparkfriends/BLC teammates!

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

My mom

My mom's cat Mojo, who is now my brother's cat

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all my sparkfriends, BLC teammates, and otherwise for all your love and support over the last year and half when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer, and especially in the last month when things with my mom went south very quickly. My mom passed away on Sunday, June 30. All those times she was in and out of the hospital over the last 2 months or so we thought we were dealing with an obstruction, a complication from her cancer surgery in Feb. Her recovery was going really well after the surgery til about May 19 when she started getting flu-like symptoms, nausea, vomitting, stomach pain. At the end of May she had a 3 month follow up with her surgeon. He had scans done, all negative and she was declared cancer free. However she ended up in and out of the hospital for the next few weeks. She finally ended up at St Mary's hospital in Rochester in early June. They tried everything to break up the obstruction so they could avoid surgery, However about 5 days later they decided surgery was the last option. However when the surgeon got in there, there was no obstruction, it was a cancerous tumor. The cancer had returned and spread, there was nothing more that could be done. The surgeon was just as shocked about this as me and my brother were. The scans taken that day didn't show any cancer, but they did show clots in the lungs and leg. They started iv heparin to prevent other clots from forming. She stayed at the hospital for about a week after the surgery. During the hospital stay she also developed pnemonia so they had her on iv antibiotics. When she was first admitted to St Mary's this time around, despite being in and out of the hospital before that, she was severely malnourished so they also put her on iv nutrition. About a week after the terminal diagnosis she was moved to a hospice center in Mason City, Iowa which is closer to my brother and closer to her hometown if friends wanted to visit. The hospice was beautiful. It was a Victorian mansion built in the 1800's. There was a huge garden right outside the 2 huge windows of my mom's room. Sadly once we were given the diagnosis of terminal, the surgery robbed us of time because she was having to recover from the incisions and pretty well medicated alot of the time. We were able to have some conversations but not alot. Mostly just alot of I love yous, hugs, kisses, and hand holding. SHe went downhill and started slipping away from us pretty quicly. Once she got to hospice of course that got even worse, very little conversation, just alot of hand holding and saying I love you. The last two days of her life, she was barely responding. She maybe got to even see outside her window to the garden the night she got there and the next day, after that very little. She went home to the Lord a little over a week after getting tranferred to hospice. Needless to say, the whole thing happened very fast and it was very shocking. I'm still in a little bit of shock thinking it's all a nightmare I am going to wake up from. But I know it's not. At least she didn't have to suffer for very long. But we have been dealing with the cancer for the last year and a half. I had hoped that the surgery would at least hold the cancer off for a little big longer, but when it came back it came back with a vengeance. It was so hard seeing my mom slip away more day by day. I just returned to work this week after having family medical leave the last month so I could be with my mom. I find myself in tears every day. I started taking Ativan at night ot help me sleep and for anxiety. I know she's in a better place, it just stinks for those left behind right now. The only family I have left is my brother, who lives in Iowa. We are not close but I am trying and I know Mom's wishes were for us to be closer. Neither one of us has kids. We still have to go back to her house in Iowa and clean it out, have a sale and put the house up for sale. That's the home we both grew up in. That's going to be really hard, and I refuse to go back there unless my brother is there. I cannot bear to be in that house alone. The day of Mom's passing my brother and I separately shopped for funeral clothes. Then my brother and I packed up both our vehicles. I headed to Mom's house, and my brother went to work and then would meet me at Mom's house later. I walked in the door of Mom's house and nearly lost it. It was the first time I had been in that house since she had died. And no cat in the house because my brother had taken Mom's cat to his house since he will be taking custody of the cat.

I have not been working out or eating right, but I've actually lost a little weight in the last month, although it wasn't done the healthy way. I was just too distracted to eat. It was easier to deal with the situation when we had Mom's friends around and my brother. There was more support when she was sick, but after the funeral all the support went away. Now that I'm back in MN and alone it's harder. My mom was my best friend, we talked almost every day, esp when she was first diagnosed with cancer in Jan 2012. It's just sad her life had to end like this. She had enough struggles in her life before that.Just a very tragic situation, and I can't get it out of my mind. My mom was a good woman of faith, everyone just loved her. But with time things will get better, but I will always have a huge space in my heart because my Mom isn't here anymore. She was just taken much too soon but there's nothing I can do about that. Right now I'm grieving. But over the weekend I did do 2 positives for me. I joined Weight Watchers. And I also joined a gym, Xperience Fitness. It's cheaper than the one I quit a few months ago, and I like the fact they have Les Mills classes and Zumba. I look forward to taking some live BodyCombat classes. I loved doing Combat at home but I like being around people. And I know now's the time to do all this. I won't be the girl that gains 50 lbs. because she lost her Mom.

Again, thanks for all your support. Early in the BLC round before we knew that Mom's cancer was back, I was already in a major funk and lacking motivation. And the last month it's the same story. My head has not bee in the game but there is a reason for that. However so far I have not gone floater. And now there is no reason for me to. In fact, twice already I have had the number one position in my team. The spreadsheet posted Sunday said that I am number 2 on my team overall. Not bad given what a horrible month I have had. I hope to get back to regular sparking, tracking food and exercise, posting on the chat threads, and participating in the challenges now. I have to return to my new normal life. To be honest it kinda sucks, there's definitely someone I am missing daily. But I have to stay in the fight and get this weight off. And get healthy for me. And only my team will know what this means but I definitely need to work toward getting off of Club Trash and on to a real island with hot cabana boys and bartenders. Again thank you to all my sparkfriends/blc teammates. Without your support this time I think I probably would have just disappeared.

Here's the link to my mom's obituary, pictures, and slideshow I was disappointed that no pictures of my brother, mom, and me weren't included. I found out later it was my mistake. My brother and I were going through old photos. I found two of me and MOm that I liked. However without thinking I must have put them back in the box of pictures. My brother took a pile of photos over to the funeral home Tuesday morning. I THOUGHT I had put those pics in that pile, but apparently I did not. My brother just thought I didn't want them shown. So he pulled the pics of him and Mom, too. But then his pics were current mine were not. SInce i've gotten older I dont pose for pics because I am not photogenic. And I'm just not one of those people that has my camera or phone with me at all times to post pics of me on facebook. I'm kinda camera shy and so is my mom.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SLJ182
    I'm so sorry about your Mom. Hang in there and let time heal. Enjoy your memories you have with your Mom. emoticon
    1743 days ago
  • DAS92687
    Kim emoticon
    I am so sorry!! I, too, had thought things with your mom's healthy were all pretty positive when we last spoke. I hope you and your brother do make the time to get together more often, maybe a weekly phone call.

    You don't deserve to be left behind or to lose your best friend. But, you know you are a strong lady, and you will (with time, hugs, and tears) wake up some day and be able to remember all the good times without crying.

    Psalm 34:18-19
    1746 days ago
    So sorry for your loss. May you be comforted soon. I admire your strength in taking such positive steps toward your healthier future. I am sure your Mom would be very proud. emoticon
    1746 days ago
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