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Summer 2013

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

I had an epiphany tonight. When I was 22, I was overweight, broke and depressed and basically at my heaviest. Now I am 32 and I am overweight, broke and depressed and at my heaviest. Geez! I thought I was supposed to learn from my mistakes after a decade.

Turns out I'm repeating my mistakes which is very unfortunate. I hope you'll excuse my absence. I've been trolling all your blogs though. I read but don't comment. I'm a lazy troller too.

Life's tough financially but can also be physically demanding too. My son is beautiful but very wound and seems to be having some emotional/behavioral issues. He's very very whiny. Whines about everything. Fusses all day. I'm not sure what to do. He was at his 18 month check up today and it was all I could do to either hold him down or keep him composed. He's also had issues with throwing up. He consistently throws up once a week now. Usually around drinking a lot of liquid but we don't force it down him. Last week his eating wasn't great but that comes and goes. Doc says it could all be normal but to just watch. So I have no idea what's going on other than the fact that I feel like I'm failing him somehow.

I'm ok with saying that I have maintained my weight for a few months now. I'm holding steady at 277. I feel my extra weight some days more than others. But I can really feel labored trying to do some daily tasks such as going to the bathroom or bathing. I can't reach areas to bathe like I used to which sucks. I can't see my toes. All my big clothes are tight and I can't afford to buy new ones. I don't take pics of myself.

I can't seem to accept myself as I am either in an emotional sense. Growing up my mother was highly critical of my weight when I was younger. When I wore small dresses above the knee, she would tell me my thighs were too big looking. The only time that I went out to the beach in a bikini, she said I looked fat. I was in size 12's and 14's at the time. Those were the days. So now I'm just a big fat failure and can't seem to look at myself without feeling disgust.

I've often found that I feel trapped in my past. My memories of childhood and the bullying that I endured because of my weight still haunts me and makes me angry. I grew up basically being taught that because I was fat, that I was socially unacceptable and this is me being PC about the horrible things said about me. Let me tell you, kids can be such

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever reach my goal weight and if I do, will I be happy with myself? To those of you thinking, she needs counseling, I can't afford it. I've had counseling before from non-weight related matters and its never been all that helpful. I always get the weirdest counselors.

I met a woman on Facebook and have managed to been reading up on some people who have been sharing with others about their complaints on the health industry. I've been told that our caloric standards are way too low and we're not eating enough. Our caloric deficits of 500 or 1000 are causing us to starve our bodies. We should be eating more with less deficits. One plan I found on the net, has me eating about 2500 calories for my weight right now.

For someone with my appetite, that's a huge bonus but I'm not so sure on trusting the system but I figure it is worth a shot. I'll give eating more a try and see what happens. Maybe if I don't feel hungry, I'll have less urge to binge on bad stuff.

GA has had the rainiest summer ever! I hate it! We've never broke 100 degrees though which is miraculous but I can't ever get outside to walk because of the rain. I have an upcoming vacation at the end of this month. I'm already seeing back to school commercials which have me depressed. This whole year is flying by and I don't feel like I've really been able to enjoy it. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Do you think the lil one has some food allergies too? I know that in the past you have said that you suspect you are gluten intolerant, do you think he is reacting to some of the foods he is eating? I've heard that some intolerances can make people/children/babies moody and temperamental?

    I so so so wish I could just wave a wand and help you to feel better about yourself. I know sometimes people say that losing weight won't affect the self esteem, but I think it does. I remember when I was wasn't so much hating how i looked, i just felt so TIRED, my back hurt all the time, my knees hurt all the time, I felt depressed because my body just ached and I lacked energy. Sometimes it can feel like you are just watching everyone else living their life while you sit on the bench.

    I think you have SO much to offer, SO SO SO much to offer. I have no idea what has caused your self esteem to be so low, I suspect there is a lot going on in your life, maybe things you don't want to share with others. I hope that you have someone close to you that you can talk to and share things with, that will be supportive of you and "be in your corner".

    What do you think is holding you back? Have you ever really sat down and thought bout what you want out of life, what your goals are, what are your dreams? What steps will it take for you to acheive those goals? What is your purpose? what are you passionate about? I think figuring those things out might help you find some answers you are looking for.

    I do think counseling has it's place, and it is about finding a good counselor. I have had several counselors...and found the one that I went to for marriage counseling through a friend who referred me. I only had to pay 12 bucks co pay through insurance. Does your husband have insurance, would that be an option?

    It upsets me to hear you talk about yourself this way and I want to help you. If you think of anyway that I can help you, please let me know.
    1745 days ago
    You are a very intelligent woman and I know I can't tell you anything that you haven't heard before but you really need to start loving yourself as you are now and not wait until you feel you deserve it. You are worthy. Happiness doesn't come from a dress size. It comes from within.

    Being the mommy of an 18 month is hard under the best circumstances. My son was a preemie and we were fortunate to have a great pediatrician. She explained to us that all children have some issues. There are no perfect children and just because your son has some issues doesn't mean they are attributable to you. If the doctor thought they were he/she would have indicated such but stated that it just may be normal and to watch. Teething is a painful things for children. My husband helped me understand it. Even though I'm a nurse I didn't think about those razor sharp teeth cutting through flesh.

    Eventually you will have more time for yourself and when you do you will lose weight. In the mean time, they make products that drug stores sell to help with hygiene when you are physically limited. I have had to use them before when my arthritis was really bad and I still rely on some to make my life easier.

    Why not set some small goals you can achieve. Like drinking more water. They may result in weight loss and your clothes will fit better. I know even 5 pounds has a big influence on me. I buy clothes at Goodwill and get some great deals.

    Don't give up. Things are going to improve soon.
    1748 days ago
    I feel like I could echo a lot of what you just said! Hang in there!
    1749 days ago
    I'm sorry you are feeling so down on yourself right now. At least it sounds like you are putting in an effort to come up with a plan that can really work for you. Maybe you could try out 5:2? I know it's pretty scary to a lot of people, but so far I think it's really been working well for me. If you aren't familiar with what it is, you can read my blog about it here:


    And then a follow-up blog I did a couple of weeks later:

    1749 days ago
    been there, done that.

    parents who are psychologically abusive to their children have a very low self-esteem themselves. you have to break the circle.

    and no, when you reach a comfortable weight for you, that won't make you feel better about yourself, it's the other way around: when you feel comfortable with yourself, your weight will get comfortable, too.

    and your son is merely an expression of what's going on inside you. so get happy, and he will, too.

    easy said! but here's an idea for you: check out qigong with mingtong, there's a video on youtube with him talking about this, that basically, who is keeping you from being happy? it's your own decision in the long run.

    you inherited bad vibes, but don't accept that. and don't pass them on, either! break this circle. change your inner thoughts. you'll be amazed how the world around you will suddenly change, too.

    may the force be with you
    1749 days ago
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