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Scaring myself

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Tonight I burst out sobbing while watching, of all things, Cake Boss. His mother has ALS, a terminal illness. In spite of that I'm envious of her because she's surrounded by a huge, loving family. They showed a big family Easter dinner, and it just made me cry. Sweet side note -- a coworker of mine is a terrific amateur baker. She's entering a contest to win a cake decorating lesson from the Cake Boss. She said that if she wins, she's going to tell them her friend Mary has to come along.

I stayed home from work today, and I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. I just can't living like this. I realized the other day that I haven't been taking my blood pressure medicine because I'm saving the pills. Sometimes I feel like there's just no way out from under the net that has me trapped. This isn't right.

When I talked to my health plan about weight loss surgery a few years ago, it involved flying to San Diego, about 600 miles south of me. Now that was several years ago, so maybe it's changed. I just couldn't afford the flight, and of course I have absolutely no support system in San Diego. I haven't made a decision yet, but I'm at least going to ask.

I hate being me. I hate this life. I hate being invisible except online.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1805 days ago
    1806 days ago
  • GR8TAWK-N-2-U
    1806 days ago
    If you are thinking about weight loss surgery, you know there are a lot of these kinds of teams on Spark that you can give you such good information. The great thing about Spark Teams. Maybe one of these weight loss teams can recommend an in person support group for people who have had and are thinking about the surgery. This will get you out of the house, be with people in your situation and you will feel better.
    Hope you have a good doctor visit.
    1806 days ago
    Mary, I hope you get some encouragement from your doctor about weight loss possibilities. I know that if the surgery is available and affordable that you will be a very thoughtful and informed patient. My heart is full for you.
    1806 days ago
    Now, that obesity is considered a disease under the AMA diagnostic manual, maybe health insurance will cover some of your treatment costs, including the surgery. In the meantime, you've gotten excellent advice from your other SP friends. Exercise really can help lift your depression. Maybe there's volunteer work you can do or a friend you can reach out to. I pray that you will find the health and happiness that you deserve. Best wishes!
    1806 days ago
    Depression is an awful thing that overcomes us and wants to set up camp. We need to learn how to pack it up and send it away so that it can't invade our space again. It's a constant work in progress.

    Take a step back and try to find the triggers that cause you to be depressed...if it's watching TV then try to channel your free-time away from that. Other options are reading, Sparking, walking around the house or outside, if you are able. Any kind of exercise, no matter how intense, helps to release the stress genes and send you into a happier place. The challenge is getting started and knowing when to disengage from a particular activity that brings you down.

    Best of luck to you on this journey! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1806 days ago
    1806 days ago
    The sounds like a good idea.
    1806 days ago
  • JESS0107
    Bless your heart!! You are in my prayers!!
    1806 days ago
    I know exactly where you are and I have danced this same dance a thousand times since I was a kid... at 10.

    All I can tell you is that tomorrow still shows up no matter what crap we do today. I know they say you can't break something so badly that it can't be fixed, but those of us in IT, know IT isn't easy to "fix".

    So please know that you are not alone. If you can't get into a chair and do exercise videos, please find something on youtube that you CAN do. It's been a year for me and there are still days when I want to go back to that girl that walked around with a bottle in one hand and a 9MM in the other. PLEASE do not be like me! It took 3 years for me to see what I was doing to myself. And I am NOT out of the woods yet. I just gained 14 pounds back because I caved in to depression again. And let me tell you, even with heavy weight, you will feel even crappier if you give up an start gaining I can promise you that.

    Do don't let this defeat you. Rent a funny movie, or watch someone kick their own butt online. Anything to drop you a laugh. (Here's a good one! I live in NE Florida. Its hot, humid, and all around poopy some days. Yesterday I was walking at 11am and it was 96 (heat index was 102. at 10am!! Anyway, my shirt was soaked, my back brace was hot, so I took my shirt off and continued to walk the additional 2 miles I needed to finish. I had on a GENIE bra and my back brace covers most of my tummy and I was in my own back yard, but I do NOT do naked well. And I felt proud, even though I wasn't "naked", per se, but 6 months ago, I would not have DREAMED of walking my back yard partially naked!)

    So find something to smile about, and if you don't, I am going to send you videos of all the stupid things I do, usually to myself, on a daily basis. Depression is a life-long illness, but you just have to figure out when to say "Screw it, I need a revised plan". Please reach out if you ever feel like you need to talk. I am a great listener, not just a great babbler! And a {{{BIG HUG}}} (those are wrapped in fat rolls!) for you!
    1806 days ago
    You can find a way, I'm sure of it! I've heard that one of the good things about the prep for surgery is that even if you don't go through with it, you work with specialists that can help get you back on track. I'm hopeful that things have changed, proud of you for admitting you need help and reaching out to the support provided to you by work and other places.

    Keep on plugging!
    1806 days ago
    Can I recommend 4 books to read before you decide to have surgery? The first is The China Study by T. Colin Campbell Phd, and books Food For Life how the new four food groups can save your life and Turn Off The Fat Genes, both of which are by Near Barnard, M.D. And The Plant Powered Diet by Sharon Palmer R.D. (lots of great recipes in these books also.)
    I read the last 3 first after watching Forks Over Knives video and had stayed with eating a plant based diet now for a little over 4 months. My health has improved greatly from lowering my glucose to 77, lowering my total cholesterol from 263 to 202 and my bad from 173 to 122, and boosting my mood and energy level.
    I wish you luck with any way you chose to go. Remember Hypocrite's words of "let food be they medicine" Science has found out that food is the best medicine. (As long as we chose wisely.)
    If you need some recipes that I have used, let me know. This is not a diet for me. This is a life journey of healthful eating. emoticon
    1806 days ago
  • LIS193
    1807 days ago
    Mary, so nice to know your name. Remember that what you see on TV is acting--Seeing a happy family could be a happy one or they could have lots of problems too. Most family's these days are not like the Waltons were.

    I am glad also that you are going to the Dr. Maybe he/she could give you some samples that he would have on hand to help save you money. Ask, You just never know. I will be saying prayers for you.

    Remember you are Special, to God, to me and to a lot of Sp friends. We are all on this journey. ((((HUGS))))

    1807 days ago
    1807 days ago
    You have a delightful, warm spirit that's a pleasure to enjoy.

    Maybe you could get a $4 generic for your blood-pressure medicine at someplace like Walmart, and if none is available, ask your doctor if you could switch to one...
    1807 days ago
    (((((HUGS))))) I am glad you're going to see the Dr. You definitely are taking the right path because, as you say, you can't live like that.

    As for your co-worker, I hope she gets to the contest and you can both attend! I never knew that about the Cake Boss' Mom. ALS is such a devastating disease!

    HUGS Mary. You are NOT invisible! You are precious.
    1807 days ago
    Mary, you are such a GOOD person, you deserve everything good life has to offer. I am glad you are going to the doctor and discussing things. Reaching out is the first step. God Bless you
    1807 days ago
    I hope you and your co-worker get to go for the cake decorating lesson from the Cake Boss. Let us know how your doctor's appointment turns out. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    1807 days ago
    emoticon I hope your appointment goes well emoticon
    1807 days ago
    ((((((BIG HUGS))))))
    I'm so glad that you are going to your doctor's and wish you the best for your appointment.
    1807 days ago
    (HUGS) It is really frustrating to not be able to afford to take your medicine as you are supposed to. I have been there and done that myself - oh yeah, right now I am doing it again. July first started a new fiscal year which means BIG deductibles. I am already trying to figure if I can skip going to the doctor in September because I really can't afford either the co-pay OR the deductible.

    I hope you find that the surgery will be possible now.
    1807 days ago
    I can understand why you burst out crying over the person with ALS because she's surrounded by a huge, loving family. I have 5 brothers, 1 deceased, and the other 4 brothers don't talk to each other. Therefore, no family gatherings. Yes, it's sad and sometimes makes me want to cry or I do.
    Why are you saving your blood pressure medication pills? Is it because of the cost? That I can understand. Can't you take it at least every other day?
    Weight loss surgery has improved dramatically. My cousin had it done and helped her immensely. I'm not sure what state you live in, but there has to be somewhere not too far from you that can help with that by now.
    I encourage you to not hate your life. There must be some hobby that you can find that can give you a sense of purpose, for i.e., reading, knitting, crocheting.
    I hope for nothing but the best for you and a quick journey on the way to your success.
    1807 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/9/2013 1:08:10 AM
    Good Luck! emoticon
    1807 days ago
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