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I have to say it out loud

Monday, July 08, 2013

I suck at relationships. They scare me. I’m sensitive by nature and also a little distrustful. Most women are flattered when men say they’re beautiful; I am suspicious. I’m also not good at opening up and being vulnerable in general. Obviously, the mature thing to do is to avoid such situations and relationships. And that’s what I’ve done (rather successfully, I might add). My weight wasn’t an effort to deter relationships but it have an impact, for sure. I used to be the chubby girl with the pretty face. But now that I’m down to a healthy weight, I attract a different kind of male attention. It’s a change.

I’m still adjusting.

Okay, fine. I’m not dealing with it well.

At all.

I purchased and consumed potato chips last Saturday. A whole bag over the course of a few days. Reduced fat ones, but there’s still a whole lot of empty calories in reduced fat potato chips. I drank too much wine the other night with a girlfriend. I pretended that it was okay because she was going through a breakup. But her breakup does not need to end up on my thighs. Then I had dinner with friends last night and ate too much. I don’t know the last time I was that full. I felt awful.

I decided on my way home from dinner that I have to be real about why I am eating/drinking and generally feeling out of control. It’s that I’m a complete scaredy cat. I’m freaking out because there’s a guy who seems to genuinely like me. Who says crazy things like, I think you’re beautiful and I couldn’t stop staring at you when we met. Sweet, right? Pass the potato chips.

I need to work on calming down, for one. And more importantly not allowing my craziness to manifest in eating the wrong things or even too much of the healthy things. Admitting this, and saying it out loud (writing, whatever) is my first baby step.

PS – to all who read & posted on my previous blog emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Seeing what you're doing is a big step. Maybe time to learn about how to be in relationships? I've always been really thin-skinned. What other people said or didn't say about me really hurt my feelings. What I've learned is that other people spend almost all their time thinking about themselves, and whatever they do to hurt me is almost always about them - not me. Somehow, that has really helped me! I hope it helps you.
    1748 days ago
  • ASTRA58
    I put on my weight mostly because I was afraid of just such attention. I felt comfortable being anonymous. When I finally realized just how much I was hurting myself by the weight and the fear, I made the decision to start working on the fear. It wasn't right that it was crippling me and preventing me from experiencing all life had to offer. I also knew that if I didn't deal with the fear I would put the weight back on again.

    I want to be able to live my life without being afraid of relationships. So like you, I am taking baby steps in the direction of not feeling fear, or if I do, pushing through it. It will not stop me from being healthy anymore.

    Together we can work through this.
    1749 days ago
    I'm starting to realize that fear is something that we need to work through to propel us to a new place. I'm working on a start-up and a part of me is excited, and another part of me is scared to death. I thought about this fear while I was hiking over the 4th. At the top of the mountain there was a huge fire watch tower. I got 2/3 of the way up it and was scared and went down. I forced myself to go back up it. I'm starting to get stronger about facing my fears. Perhaps it's like a muscle that we have to exercise and train?

    Just food for thought.....

    1749 days ago
    You're always OK. Sometimes we slip, then we get right back on the wagon.

    As someone who has struggled throughout my life with body image, I completely understand being a little kerfluffled by attention. We're all "works in process!"

    You can do it - keep up the insights and learning and all the healthy habits you've been practicing.
    1750 days ago
    You know, sometimes, it is just too much to deal with everything. So now that you have gotten this off your chest hop back on the SP band wagon and focus on what matters most to you emoticon
    1753 days ago
    Baby steps are how we get from place. We all have something that gets in our way. Thank you for letting us know how to help you!
    1753 days ago
    Congratulations on Step 1 - identifying it. I identified with A LOT in this blog, so it helped me, too.
    1753 days ago
    Just keep telling yourself how great that you have done. Don't let a man get in your way with your health. Go slow and see where it leads. You might just enjoy it.
    1753 days ago
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