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Sunday, July 07, 2013

I got thinking today about how I started in cooking all those years ago. When I was a kid I always wanted to try new foods and recipes. I remember when I was about nine reading the label on the umpteenth can of Campbell's chicken soup we had. They had a recipe for "Stars and Stripes Soup." All it was involved combining a can of Chicken Stars and Chicken Noodle. I loved it! I made it every Fourth of July for several years. Also, I remember reading a potato soup recipe on the box of instant potatoes we always had in the house. So one day for lunch I made it for my siblings. They HATED all of my experiments. Nowadays I wouldn't use Campbell soup or instant potatoes. But the seed was already there. Unfortunately, I married a man who only wanted hamburgers for dinner, and whose parents hated everything I ever made, so it got buried for a long time. But thanks to the Food Network I'm starting up again. But with better ingredients this time!

You know, watching so much Food Network, and especially Bobby Flay, has given me an important lesson. This is one of America's top-level, multiple award winning chefs. But if you watch his shows, he's totally fearless about appearing imperfect. He has a running battle with plastic wrap, which he practically always loses. And when he uses his mango pitter, nine times out of ten the mango escapes at least once. I've burned so much energy over the years trying to meet my father's impossible standards of perfection that I think Bobby's comfort with imperfection is a role model I can really learn from

Okay, it's guilty confession time. I've fallen back into some bad patterns just trying to kill the nerve endings. I'm eating and drinking way too much, and I'm avoiding my phone and my mailbox again. I think from the decades of abuse, I'm terrified to be contacted or even seen! When I'm not at work, where I only go to survive, I try to disappear so no one can hurt me.

I think I need to make a commitment to picking up my mail at least twice a week. I know how to cut my food back in a healthy way. I'm debating either giving up drinking entirely for the time being, or letting myself have one small liqueur a night, perhaps during my favorite show of the night (this might be a bit problematic during the Tuesday night Chopped marathon!). I need to give it some thought.

I am so tired. I'm planning to take Thursday, Friday and Monday off. I'm hoping to FINALLY get my car tag fixed so I can go out without at least fearing the police. This isn't life. This isn't me. It has me seriously wondering if I'm even alive.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1751 days ago
    I wish I had the food network but I don't have cable out where we live. I love to cook and am not afraid of messing something up. I will try at least twice to make something if I messed up the first time. And if it turns out the first and it isn't great, I know to throw out the recipe. In the past 4 months I have tried so many great tasting things from Buckwheat Waffles to Ball Park Hot Dogs to "chicken" to "burgers" that are all vegan that even my hunter/gatherer husband really enjoys.

    Just got through reading that more then one drink for a woman a day is not good for her but one alcoholic drink per day can be beneficial.
    So for those that are not drinkers, don't start. But those of you reading this that do, maybe now is the time to cut back and get the benefits.
    1751 days ago
    I loved reading about your cooking experiments as a girl. You have such a gift, and that little girl who is still inside you deserves to be honored and respected. You are a deserving and worthy person, no matter how people have treated you in the past. You are learning an important lesson from Bobby-no one is perfect, and that is perfectly okay. It is often our imperfections that make us more interesting people.

    I hope you do get out more often, and don't barricade yourself in your private space. Don't let those phantoms from the past control you now!

    1752 days ago
    I am sending positive thoughts & blessings :)

    Yes, this IS life and we really only get one chance to live it. I have been also in a place where I feel stuck or not so happy. I try to think God put me here for a reason so I have to try and be strong and a lot of the days I feel tired and awful, but at least I am trying to live and thats what matters most :)

    You are an awesome person - U are blessed with this life so I hope U enjoy everyday and even when the times are tough, know that you have a lot of friends here that are cheering for you and not many people have that! Huggies!
    1752 days ago
    Mary, let that little girl who loved to experiment guide you in whatever path you take. She is you.
    The alcohol question is your call. The only thing to consider might be that sometimes when something is totally given up, cravings can get worse. But you are the only one who can decide what to do.
    I agree...the Chopped marathon nights would be the crazy one!
    1752 days ago
    Take the time as a 'me' break. emoticon Don't give up. You are worth more than that. emoticon

    1752 days ago
    I don't really know you, but I think I know how you feel! One thing, just one thing, I'd like to offer you is to set small goals about what you want to get done and then think of it as blessing you or your family.

    Example: you need to do some laundry. Put it in the washer and get it washed and then tell yourself you've blessed yourself and your son. Revel (just a little bit...unless you're really into laundry) in the fact that what you did makes your life just a little bit happier.

    Then, like it used to say on shampoo bottles, "Rinse and repeat."

    It's small, but it's progress; and when you're depressed, each little problem you tackle and overcome is progress!

    And know that you've got a friend in Colorado who is sending prayers and good vibes your way! emoticon
    1752 days ago
  • JILL313
    Hi Lady Irish, It's great you love to cook and watch cooking shows. I might be out of line but did the abuse come from your ex? If so it's time to move on even if it takes some counseling to be able to get past that. You certainly need to enjoy your life and one day soon I hope you'll give a few small new adventures a good try. Quite frankly it sounds like you're in a endless rut, sorry to be so frank but I get that opinion only from this blog. When you have a chance you might enjoy the "Heal Your Life" website. It's helped me deal with things that I'm still working on coming to terns with. Make this a Healthy and Happy new Week for Yourself!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1752 days ago
    Mary,,,,, hugs, hugs and more hugs. The best advice I ever got from my therapist does relate to that streak of perfectionism that seems to run in depressed people. She said to just do as much as I could... I didn't have to do everything all the time. For instance, if dishes are in the sink, wash all the glasses. .... later the silverware.... you get the idea. Same with your mailbox.
    1752 days ago
  • LIS193
    1752 days ago
    Sometimes it may be good to avoid the mailbox for a couple days, but in the end it could also be a downer as all the bills then are seen on one day instead of over several. Do what works for you when it comes to your health. However we all know that drinking and eating in excess is not the answer. We love you and so want you to love yourself.

    1752 days ago
    I think it would do you a world of good to take those days off. Definitely. Then you can catch up, at least a little, and breathe!

    Cooking is a passion and it's good that you're back to it . . . with healthy foods.

    As for the alcohol, all I can tell you is this. If your gut is telling you maybe it would be good to abstain, at least for awhile, maybe it would be a good idea. But DO take things a day-at-a-time.

    You are a beautiful person, Mary. You can't imagine how much you're loved here on this site!

    HUGS and all good thoughts.
    1753 days ago
    Mary, it is great that you are taking some time off from work. Sometimes we just get 'bogged' down with 'things' and we have to take a break. It happens to all of us. This really IS life, in today's world when there is so much to do. It is hard when we are only one person who has all of the responsibility. I am in that situation, too, and I know what you mean about not going to the post office. Sometimes, we just don't want the mail because we already have so much to do WITHOUT having to find out about something in the mail that will 'dump' something else on us to do. I guess it is just 'overload,' and taking a few days off from work will give you an opportunity to catch up on a few things. I should do that, too, but at this time I know that I won't. I will just continue to let 'things' pile up! Take care, and know that you are so very appreciated for all that you do here on SparkPeople for our members. Now do some of the things that you want to do for YOU!

    1753 days ago
    I do that too! It's almost as if I think that if I ignore the world, it might all go away, and I haven't got the reason of abuse in my childhood. I don't enjoy cooking much, but I LOVE eating, so I have become a good cook over the years. It's a crime when the people you're cooking for don't appreciate it. I also am a beer lover, so I came to the decision to only have beer at the weekends. That way I can indulge myself, but not too much! emoticon
    1753 days ago
    Sounds like you need a little time to yourself to recharge your batteries then get back to it.
    We all retreat into our shells from time to time and want the world to go away. You'll come back from it emoticon emoticon
    1753 days ago
    feel better soon emoticon emoticon
    1753 days ago
    You've touched on so many things in this blogs about yourself and I applaud you for being so honest about it. Little by little you're getting yourself out of the rut you were in. You've tried new things, gone to places, and allowed your feelings to just come out.

    I just really wished that you could see all the wonderful qualities that we all see in you. You are an amazing person, giving, hopefully and all around awesome.
    1753 days ago
    I think we all need some "me time" a time to relax/reflect/recooperate. Enjoy your time off, I hope you feel better. emoticon emoticon
    1753 days ago
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