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When In the Course of Human Events...

Thursday, July 04, 2013

On July 4, 1776, there was no air conditioning. There were no ice cubes, no safe drinking water and no public sanitation. Then as now, liquids were imbibed for hydration. Then, unlike now, the only bacteria-safe liquids for drinking in the summer were alcoholic. You can look up this fact; I assure you it was true.

Then, as now, liquids are only rented and potty breaks must have been frequent for Jefferson, Adams and the gang. There was no indoor plumbing, and the line for and the aroma within the Independence Mall outhouses must have been horrific. I’m sure the well-dressed gentlemen in the white wigs occasionally relieved themselves upon the Mall itself.

So here were these intelligent and forward thinking and visionary guys, in a 100-degree-plus building without so much as a spinning ceiling fan, surrounded by the fetid aromas of one another and the fermented odor of sun-baked pee wafting in through the open windows, deciding in their collective drunken stupors, to sever ties with the mother ship and declare independence.

Britain was the strongest and richest country in the world at the time, with (relatively speaking) unlimited funds for military action within and against its former colony. Only drunks, desensitized to the odor of urine and desperate to get out of town to the cooler countryside of their farms, would have convened, voted, peed and signed their names to such a treasonous document?

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