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The Binge Monster - I Thought I Had Beat It, But I Was Wrong :(

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

One minute I have it all together, things are emoticon's and emoticon's, and then something happens that is outside of my control, and I go running towards food. This is a process and I am learning a lot about myself... but I am learning that when I am hurt, even after all this time, I turn to food to soothe myself. Knowing that is half the battle, and I fought it for over 24 hours before I gave in.

I use the term binge loosely, and it seems everyone has different definitions of what constitutes a binge. I have heard stories of binging that are nothing like what I do... but what I do I consider it a binge. It is a conscious thing for me and it always involves fast food. It isn't a fridge full of food or anything, but it is still a large amount of food, always high in calories. The one that happened just an hour ago consisted of Chili cheese fries, jalapeno poppers and chicken nuggets. Definitely too much food for one meal, and too many calories for the day. Add on top of that I had already eaten my calories for the day and was not hungry when I did this, and that just spells out disaster. emoticon

I have been feeling hurt over something personal, but turning to food was never the answer and I knew that... but low and behold I did it anyways. I know that I am not perfect by any means, and "stuff happens", but this isn't something that happens to everyone. People who don't struggle with their weight and even those that do don't find themselves at the drive thru ordering a large amount of food when they aren't hungry because they are upset. It isn't one of those things that "everyone does" and that makes me really look into why I do it.

Sitting here now, I am still upset over the original issue, the food was so greasy that my stomach hurts, and I am disappointed in myself. I knew this would happen, and I did it anyways. I have spent some time journaling and that has helped, but I need to help myself BEFORE I binge next time, not after the damage is done.

I am prepared to move forward, and not beat myself up for it. From my past experiences, I know that beating myself up will lead to even more binges, and that is the last thing I need to do. I need to work on getting stronger a day at a time. I tracked my dreaded emoticon sticker that indicates a day I eat over 3,000 calories, and I am making it my goal for that to be the ONLY cupcake sticker in July. In June I only had one cupcake sticker and that wasn't for a binge, it was because I went to the buffet in Vegas and I just assumed it was a cupcake sticker kind of day lol. I was doing so well, and I can't afford another week or two off track.

I honestly can't believe how much I let outside forces (i.e. boys emoticon) have such an effect on me to the point where all I know to do is turn to food. I have come a long way, in that I never get a random feeling to binge or eat that way. It used to be a regular thing. It went from everyday that was my dinner, to a few times a month wanting to eat that way, and now it seems to just be an emotional response to something bad. I have at least gotten to a point where these encounters are few and far between, and if I continue to be accountable and continue to grow as a person, I can only hope they get even fewer and farther between.

This is just accountability for me... sometimes you guys tell me the nicest things that I'm such an inspiration or am doing so well and it is the sweetest thing... but I am also human and I fall and I like for people to see the good and the bad of things so that they know we all slip sometimes... we just have to remember to keep getting back up. emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    The binge monster happens!! The good news is that it isn't the star if the show anymore, just a guest appearance. Emotional eating is so tough to deal with. You will bounce back for sure!
    1749 days ago
    The binging and emotional eating is how I got myself to my highest weight. I'd literally eat my emotions. Eat to celebrate, eat because I was fat and depressed.. (which just made things worse), eat to grieve, eat when I'm angry, eat cuz I'm bored, eat because everyone else is. I still do these from time to time.. but I'm working on them. Especially eating when I am bored, angry, or sad. Those are my worst ones. Wish there was some sort of big sign that would stop us from eating when we weren't really eating because we were hungry because a lot of times I do it without even noticing!
    1751 days ago
    Oh lil' sister.. this so made me cry... I have been there.. binging... stuffing my emotions.. it's how I got up to 400lbs.. just know that I believe in you.. in the person you ARE right this moment... and know that you will not let yesterday's binge impact todays success.. be kind to yourself.. .

    1754 days ago
    You have got this. And you are absolutely right, keep trying to dig at that source! :)
    1754 days ago
  • MARIANNE9855
    The Binge Monster is a persistent foe but the fact that they are happening less is significant progress. We can't change how we learned to cope with our feelings overnight- relapse is a part of recovery- as long as the overall journey is making progress you will get there. I had a great 4-5 months losing weight and then I kind of slowed down- I haven't been binging per se but I have been eating more than I can and still lose weight. I'm gradually trying to work back down but its hard. I take comfort in the fact that what I am eating most of the time is much healthier than before and it will improve my health at the very least.
    so just keep pushing we all understand and we are all hanging on together. emoticon
    1754 days ago
  • JACKIE542
    I agree we are human and we just have to keep getting back up. Looks like that is what you are doing, good job. emoticon
    1754 days ago
    I read this last night when I was struggling too [but was too tired to post] now I'm going to read through the responses you got; as by morning I over did it and ate all of today calories. emoticon (I tracked what I ate, it didn't leave me any room for ANYTHING today; so, though it will put me over I'm trying to eat very light.)
    1754 days ago
    Like you said, you're human and you fall. You've fallen plenty of times, dusted yourself off, and moved forward. I know you're disappointed with how you dealt with your hurt feelings, but you're still looking for other ways to cope when something unexpected happens. Just because you've been doing this a while doesn't mean you're going to do it all perfectly.

    You take that cupcake sticker, put it on the little square for today, and then you get back to doing what you've been doing. Pretty soon that cupcake will be days and then eventually weeks away. It will be all in the past and hopefully you won't be too hard on yourself because you're still learning. :)
    1754 days ago
    I totally relate to you on this issue all to well. I am dealing with it too myself. so I sympathize completely with you and what you are dealing with. maybe we can helps each other
    1754 days ago
    What I have learned so far and this is the third time back here on sparkpeople is that this is a spiritual battle.

    Now, just meditate on this truth and go from there because I did and I am losing weight and am in control. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1754 days ago
    My definition of binge is eating whatever there is in the fridge (not freggies included ofc!) non-stop... I mean NON-STOP. I end up eating 15 slices of bread, 10 rusks, endless cheese and whatever sweet there is, like tablespoons of honey.

    My trigger is "postponing things"... I usually distract myself from over-eating with the garden, talking to the phone with friends, watching TV series etc. But if there is something more important (like an upcoming test) and I postpone doing something about it, I use food to distract me from the stress and make me feel complete and happy.

    We all have our "bad days", but as you said, the important part is that there are fewer times that we give in. And even if we do, we don't give up!

    emoticon emoticon
    1754 days ago
    I know exactly how you feel! I am also a fast food binger. I love the grease..I love the taste..and it makes ya feel full and warm inside...till the next you said it made you sick and thats what it does to me now that I've been eating healthy for over a month. Don't kick yourself over it..Learn from it! Find a vice other than FF that works and is a healthier option..possibly a bubblebath or a favorite movie..or maybe try and exercise and get that agression and hurt out!

    You got this girl!
    1754 days ago
    You mention that emotional eating isn't something everyone does - which is true, of course - but I think it's probably more common than you think. How often do we see people (particularly women) on TV reach for a pint of icecream when something bad happens? You are not alone and you have a really great attitude. Good for you for acknowledging the "oops" and moving on without beating yourself up too bad. Keep it up, girl, you're doing awesome!
    1754 days ago
    Why must food be a source of comfort? I go through this too. I don't know what it is. It fills an emotional hole with a sense of physical fullness.

    You're not alone in this battle. Know that it is something others deal with, like me. Journaling seems to help but sometimes the binge is stronger than you are. I hope you find a way to deal with it. You're doing good so far though, dropping the frequency down to once a month? I would consider this a victory emoticon
    1755 days ago
    Super duper emoticon . The binge monster is evil, I don't find myself in the fast food drive thru, but I have my "designated" foods. When I run to food and binge, ill generally buy a pint of ice cream, a package of cookies, and a candy bar. And sometimes a soda. I like the sweets.
    Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I'm here if you need to talk. Get back up, shake it off, and kick ass the rest of this week. emoticon
    1755 days ago
    I get it. I totally get it - my last encounter with the binge monster was a week ago today. Sometimes when I'm rocking my calories and workouts I feel like I've banished him for good but turns out I've only managed to wrangle him to back of my mine and he creeps up on me when I go to a dark place. I am an emotional eater, I always going to be an emotional eater and I'm learning that it's okay. What's not okay if letting it control my life and i think we are both on the same page there!

    I know I'm like a country away but if you ever need someone to just listen you know where to find me. heck, we can even swap cell phone numbers for texting! I always love a new texting buddy.
    1755 days ago
    I can relate to this so much, Stephanie. Please feel free to talk to me privately about this, if you like. We may be able to help each other!

    We both need those emoticon and emoticon back!
    1755 days ago
    emoticon Steph, we are ALL human and for those of us with a weight issue sometimes we turn to food when we want comfort. You said it yourself - those times are becoming fewer!! That is PROGRESS my friend - and being able to look back and see that in the aftermath the food didn't truly comfort you..... I suspect it will become easier and easier to find another kind of comfort.

    Interesting what you said about a 'binge' being different things to different people. They also change - my last 'binge' was two packages of Skinny Cow Dreamy clusters (120 cals each) and three pieces of Russell Stover Sugarfree Chocolate Mints (180 cals for the 3). Why? Because those were the only 'goodies' in the house and I live 9 miles from the nearest grocery store or fast food place!! LOL - one more blessing of living in the country!!
    1755 days ago
    We all have the binge monster within us. and yes it shows it's open mouth every now & then....I just get more exercise in when that happens.
    1755 days ago
    Think of it this way: you didn't fall on your butt. You tripped. You saw the rock coming, and you lost your balance, but you didn't fall. You can keep going exactly from where you are. emoticon

    Fortunately for me, I am not an emotional eater. In fact, I'm the opposite: I DON'T eat when I'm upset. I eat when I'm bored, which is far more often, LOL. But now I try to occupy myself with some other activity. Maybe the next time you are upset you could take your dog for a nice long walk? Leave the cash at home and you won't be tempted to buy anything!
    1755 days ago
  • PUNKY100
    UGH BOYS!!! AMIRITE?!?!?!

    Sorry you had to contend with the binge monster last night. At least that boy you have whapped back into place! ;-) Good job keeping it to 1 cupcake day last month, that is AWESOME!!!! :-D

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1755 days ago
    The binge monster is a frequent visitor to my house as well. I think all of us who deal with emotional eating are well acquainted. The strategy of keeping low cal. filling foods at hand is a good one. The ultimate answer of course is figuring out the root cause and dealing with it, but that is easier said than done. I'm glad you are not beating yourself up over the issue, and moving ahead with your July goals.
    1755 days ago
    Thanks for sharing
    1755 days ago
  • JRAY864
    Gotta hate that binge monster. He visits my house sometimes. I keep my favorite binge treat on hand - fat free popsicles. They have only 10 calories, so you can eat the whole box and not be in trouble. Also, keep personal size bags of plain popcorn and lots of fruit on hand at all times. Then - when the binge monster visits, feed it good things. Better yet, make a pact with a friend to meet for coffee instead of being home when the monster visits. emoticon
    1755 days ago
    1755 days ago
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