KRISSQ1971
1-99 SparkPoints 60
SparkPoints
 

ME

Monday, July 01, 2013

STARTING TODAY MONDAY JULY 1ST, I WILL ONCE AGAIN ATTEMPT TO LOSE THIS STUBBORN WEIGHT, GOING THROUGH WHAT I HAVE IN THE LAST 2 YEARS HAS REALLY TAKEN IT’S TOLL ON MY HEALTH AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY LOVED ONES. MY BLOOD PRESSURE HAS BEEN SKY HIGH AND I AM NOW ON MEDICATION TO HELP CONTROL IT. I AM REALLY FEARFUL OF HAVING A STROKE OR HEART ATTACK SINCE I HAVE SEEN FIRST HAND THE DAMAGE IT CAN DO TO A PERSON.THE DEPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS I HAVE, HAVE COME UNDER CONTROL ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM ON MY MEDICATION CONSISTENTLY AND HAVE REMOVED PEOPLE FROM MY LIFE THAT HAVE CAUSED ME SO MUCH STRESS. FOR A WHILE THERE I LOST ABOUT 20% OF MY HAIR AND THAT TOO ADDED TO MY STRESS. RELATIONSHIP ISSUES WITH MY BOYFRIEND WERE REALLY STRESSED DUE TO A CHAIN OF EVENTS THAT REALLY SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL. WE HAVE SOMEWHAT GOTTEN BETTER HOWEVER IT IS STILL NOT WHERE IT USED TO BE AND I DON’T THINK IT EVER WILL BE. WE BOTH HURT EACH OTHER DEEPLY AND BECAUSE WE DON’T OPENLY EXPRESS OR TALK ABOUT IT, IT’S ALWAYS THERE LINGERING JUST ABOVE LIKE A CLOUD, MOST TIMES WE ARE GREAT BUT I STILL CONTINUE TO RECEIVE REJECTION OF AFFECTION AT TIMES AND BECAUSE OF MY FEAR OF GOING BACK TO SQUARE 1 I ACCEPT IT. I WILL SAY THIS I DON’T CRY AS MUCH ANYMORE, I USED TO EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP FUNNY THING IS HE WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND EITHER WAS TO BLIND TO SEE OR JUST DIDN'T’T CARE, I KNOW HE KNEW I WAS.

WITH ALL THAT JUNK IN MY TRUNK I TRULY LET MYSELF GO, NO HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME JUST THE WAY I AM BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I DON’T LOVE ME, THE WAY I AM, SEX SUCKS BECAUSE HE IS OVERWEIGHT ALSO AND I AM JUST NOT COMFORTABLE LOOKING THE WAY I DO. SO IN TURN I SEE HIS REJECTION TO ME IS BECAUSE I AM SO FAT. SO WITH THAT BEING SAID I AM SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING REJECTED, AVOIDING PICTURES BECAUSE I LOOK SO BLOATED AND HUGE, HAVING TO TAKE A HUNDRED PICTURES JUST TO GET A GOOD ONE THAT DOES NOT SHOW MY TRIPLE CHIN OR LARGE CHEST AND ARMS. LET’S NOT EVEN GET STARTED ON THE MUFFIN, OH LORD I COULD OPEN A BAKE SHOP. TWO THINGS REALLY HURT ME ONE WAS AT THE CARNIVAL ONE YEAR AND I COULD NOT GO ON MY FAVORITE RIDE WITH MY SON BECAUSE THE BAR WOULD NOT LOCK OVER MY GUT, AND THE RIDE OPERATOR MAN SAYING I AM SORRY MA’AM YOU TOO LARGE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS MORE EMBARRASSING HIM REPEATEDLY TRYING TO SLAM THE BAR DOWN, OR WHEN IT FINALLY CLICKED I WAS SO STUFFED IN MY SEAT MY GUT WAS OVERFLOWING OVER IT AND I COULDN'T’T BREATH BECAUSE IT WAS SO TIGHT. SO WE WENT TO THE LOG RIDE AND MIND YOU THIS WAS A LOCAL CARNIVAL SO IT WAS NOT THE BIG INDUSTRIAL RIDES LIKE AT SIX FLAGS, BUT THE
OPERATOR HAD TO TELL ME TO LEAN FORWARD SO IT WOULDN'T’T FLIP BACK BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT. THAT WAS IT I NEVER RODE ANOTHER RIDE AGAIN. TODAY WAS THE LAST STRAW AS I WAS GETTING READY FOR WORK AND I COULD NOT BUCKLE MY SHOES FOR WORK I JUST COULD NOT BEND DOWN AND DO IT I WAS SO DISGUSTED AND YELLING AT MYSELF. I CAN’T EVEN PAINT MY TOENAILS CORRECTLY. I USED TO BE SO FLEXIBLE AND COULD SIT INDIAN STYLE, NOW I CAN’T EVEN SQUAT DOW AND RISE WITHOUT ASSISTANCE. ONE THING I WANT TO DO MORE THAN ANYTHING IS CROSS MY LEGS WITHOUT EFFORT AND WITHOUT HAVING TO FIGHT TO KEEP THEM THAT WAY.
I CURRENTLY WEIGH ABOUT 300 LBS I ALWAYS FEARED THE DREADED 200 LB MARK WELL BEEN THERE DONE THAT. I AM 5’5” AND WEAR A SIZE 22/24 ALL MY JIGGLES IS AROUND THE BELLY AND A LITTLE JUNK IN THE TRUNK. LOL! I AM STARTING THE GYM TODAY SIGNED UP FOR THE ZUMBA AND AQUA ZUMBA SO EXCITED I JUST WISH I COULD FIND A GYM BUDDY TO GO ON THIS JOURNEY WITH ME DOCUMENTING ANY AND EVERYTHING I AM EATING AND TRYING TO DRINK MORE WATER, ANY IDEAS SUGGESTIONS AND COMMENTS ARE WELCOME.
emoticon
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • USMAWIFE
    emoticon
    1937 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment


    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
 

More Blogs by KRISSQ1971