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Can I do this?

Thursday, June 27, 2013

At my last meeting with my dietitian we talked a lot about my successes, and a few of the things I still felt needed work. She’s an interesting woman, my dietitian, and her choice of extreme pointed toed stilettos seems totally at odds with her hyper, slightly geeky personality (okay, so she hangs out here sometimes, and I probably shouldn’t say that, but, well, sorry!)
After a bit of talking about my plans and goals, she finally stopped, and very carefully worded a question to me: “Do you believe you can do this?”

I was totally taken aback. I have worked so hard for so many years on my Iron Maiden mask, I didn’t think anyone could possibly see through it. I had no idea what to say. I hedged for a bit, but finally had to admit that I didn’t really.

I have no concerns about meeting my next athletic goal. I’ve been meeting massive athletic goals for my entire life. It’s my weight that scares me. I started yo-yoing in high school, when I discovered that the skinny girls weighed 15 pounds less than me. I was probably carrying 15 extra pounds of muscle mass at the time, but in high school you don’t know that. By the time I was 30 I was struggling to stay below 200 pounds, and still yo-yoing. I would get down to within 20 pounds of my goal, and then head right back up, and over my last maximum weight.

By the time I found myself a divorced single mom, back in college, with a toddler to take care of, I had reached almost 260. Once again I fought and clawed my way down, this time to 210. And then I got cancer. By the time I was done with treatments you would have thought I would be losing weight like crazy; the inside of my mouth was so messed up I had to smear this nasty viscous gunk in it just to be able to eat pudding. But no, the steroids saw to that. By the time I was paying attention to my weight again I was 267. I’m sure at one point I hit 270.

What basis do I have for belief that I can do this? If you're expecting a firm, self-confident answer to this question, you've reached the wrong blog. So sorry, but I just started working on this one 2 days ago. I'm going to have to rely on baby steps. So this is my first baby step:

This is my beautiful baby sister, she's an internationally known singer/instrumentalist. She believes in me. There has to be something to that.

I suppose I should mention that my dietitian also believes in me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Baby steps will get you there. Believe!
    1760 days ago
    I believe you can do this! You are such an inspiration to so many people -- never forget that! We know you can do it, and you know WE can do it, so let's do it together!!!
    1761 days ago
    I believe you can do this emoticon . Seems to me that anyone that has the courage to survive cancer and to keep going in life with a positive attitude as yours can conquer this life changing journey ! Yes , I can understand completely what your refereeing to back in the day . Even now that I gone from 261 to 150 I am still muscular the difference is that now I accept myself for who I am . Beautiful , fun loving individual that realizes that One Size does fit all . You can do this - Do not be afraid !! Hugs Karen emoticon emoticon
    1762 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/27/2013 3:13:13 PM
    Isn't it funny how other people can read us?? It's always been easy for me to have confidence in others but not in myself. Why is that ?? I notice that I'm way nicer to those around me than I am to myself.

    When I see people who are heavier than I am, I wonder how they can look better in their clothes than I do. I'm sure they are self-conscious as well but they don't let their insecurities show. I'm fairly well at hiding mine but I can't tell you the last time I wore shorts inside, much less outside of the house.

    You can do this. Picture yourself on the other side... routing & cheering you all the way from you (myself included) are now. Good Luck and know that we are all cheering and believing in you... emoticon
    1762 days ago
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