I need to find myself again

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I have been wrestling with this message for some time now but have made the decision that I really require some time for myself and will need to cut back my time spent on Spark.

Since my brother's diagnosis, illness and passing last year I have maintained a facade that I can't keep up any more. I feel myself slipping at times into what may be depression and have come to the realization that I must allow myself some real grief and mourning in order to fully deal with the reality of losing George. As I write this all I can think is "Oh come on, Donna - you are having trouble? What about Heather (George's wife) and their girls?" But it is real and I can't keep pretending or ignoring.

I get massive headaches almost every day lately and had an appointment with my Dr this morning. I asked for tests be done to rule out the obvious even though his initial reaction was to reach for his prescription pad. As a cancer patient I must be vigilant and after discussion and making my concerns patently clear my Dr ordered a CAT scan and complete blood profile to start. If it turns out to be negative physical syndrome(s) then I will further investigate the emotional and spiritual elements.

I am not leaving completely - at least I do not intend to at this point. But I simply am not in the head space I need to be in order to help and support others.

I have regained all the weight I lost so proudly 3 years ago and do not have the drive or ambition to get back on track. So how can I inspire others when I can't inspire myself?

It feels like a big lie and I feel like a cheat. And that in itself is a huge burden I carry. It is so hard to be deceptive to my Sparkfamily when you all are so trusting and giving of yourselves.

I have every intention to return as quickly as I can. Until then please know you are always in my thoughts.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You have been in a hard place and need personal time. Hope you will come back one day.
    889 days ago
    Donna, pray you will be back soon. emoticon
    2824 days ago
    I apologize for being so far behind in reading this message. I pray for you and your family and understand the difficulty of losing someone. It doesn't seem fair but we must go on and be the best that we can be for ourselves and everyone around us. I wish you the very best and hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that George is in a better place free of pain and suffering.
    Take care, my friend!
    2870 days ago
    I am just getting back into the swing of things again but we always need to make time for us

    2898 days ago
    emoticon take care of yourself, we will be here for you when you come back!
    2915 days ago
    Do what you must, we will be here when you are ready for us.

    2916 days ago
    You do whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself, your heart and your spirit. when that is taken care of, you know where we are and how to get in touch. Take care and be well.

    In Irish Gaelic "Thank you very much," is written "Go raibh míle maith agat" and is pronounced gurrah meel-ah mah hahgut. I am told the actual translation is: "May you have a thousand kindnesses."
    So, I wish you Go raibh míle maith agat!!

    2916 days ago
    The most important thing for you to do is take care of YOU! It is important for you and your family. It looks to me like you have a lot of family to support you. What a wonderful bunch of young folks. I don't respond much on SP but want you to know that I do follow you. I am sending you all my positive energy and thoughts plus tons of hugs. Please know I will be thinking of you.
    2916 days ago
    Take all the time you need to heal. Do not neglect the spiritual, nor mind and body. You need healing in all those areas. Be blessed.
    2917 days ago
    Take the time you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes we all need to do some soul-searching.
    2917 days ago
    Take all the time you need. Your spark friends will always be here upon your return. I hope that your Cat Scan is negative and your headaches will resolve quickly no matter the source. I will say a prayer for you.
    emoticon ~ Kristan

    2917 days ago
  • AMYJEAN911
    And please know that you'll be in ours, and that we are here to help you in any way we can. You don't have to be tough or pretend to be in a place you're not yet. We're here for you as you are, no matter where in the process you are. Its an overwhelming thing you've been facing, and there is no shame in the fact that its just plain HARD, and undoubtedly will impose challenges on your progress and health. Your whole person has to prioritize.. not just the parts of you that are sad, or the parts of you that plan meals.. its the whole package. Please give yourself some slack, its ok to lessen your focus on silly things like food/fitness when you've been forced into such a devastating coping phase. Just do what you can for you. I think its wonderful that you have acknowledged the need to lessen the focus/burden of spark and all that goes with it and just help YOU. I hope that you'll keep working with your doctor and maybe a support group of some sort to help you through it. Depression is probably normal right now, but not something to be taken lightly either. Sending endless hugs, and ALWAYS here if you need anything at all. You're still an inspiration. How could someone so genuine and caring and just plain human NOT be?

    2917 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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