I need to find myself again
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
I have been wrestling with this message for some time now but have made the decision that I really require some time for myself and will need to cut back my time spent on Spark.
Since my brother's diagnosis, illness and passing last year I have maintained a facade that I can't keep up any more. I feel myself slipping at times into what may be depression and have come to the realization that I must allow myself some real grief and mourning in order to fully deal with the reality of losing George. As I write this all I can think is "Oh come on, Donna - you are having trouble? What about Heather (George's wife) and their girls?" But it is real and I can't keep pretending or ignoring.
I get massive headaches almost every day lately and had an appointment with my Dr this morning. I asked for tests be done to rule out the obvious even though his initial reaction was to reach for his prescription pad. As a cancer patient I must be vigilant and after discussion and making my concerns patently clear my Dr ordered a CAT scan and complete blood profile to start. If it turns out to be negative physical syndrome(s) then I will further investigate the emotional and spiritual elements.
I am not leaving completely - at least I do not intend to at this point. But I simply am not in the head space I need to be in order to help and support others.
I have regained all the weight I lost so proudly 3 years ago and do not have the drive or ambition to get back on track. So how can I inspire others when I can't inspire myself?
It feels like a big lie and I feel like a cheat. And that in itself is a huge burden I carry. It is so hard to be deceptive to my Sparkfamily when you all are so trusting and giving of yourselves.
I have every intention to return as quickly as I can. Until then please know you are always in my thoughts.