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Apparently "coming back" means "slide back into bad habits and don't post for over a year"

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The good news, since I've been gone? I quit my soul-sucking job and finally, FINALLY went back to school. I finished up my first year of college with a 3.87 cumulative GPA, an award in Biology, and a writing award. Oh yeah, and I somehow ended up being the president of the school's GSA.

The bad news? It came at a high price- the "freshman 15" was more like 35. Basically, I've gained back 35.4 of the pounds that I lost since the last time I recorded my weight in SP, which was 183.2. You do the math. It might've been higher right after finals, actually, but this is the first time I've been on a scale in a long time, because I just didn't want to know. It's worth being said, though, that I'm several days late for my period, and so there's probably some bloat weight in there too. Might be closer to 30 pounds than 35. Still, though...

I'm so ashamed of myself there aren't even words.

Seriously, it's embarrassing. I just. The worst part is that the shame isn't even the worst part. I've never been particularly comfortable with my body, but it WAS getting better, sort of. Now... I'm incredibly uncomfortable inside my own body all the time. ALL THE TIME. Nothing fits right anymore, and I actually had to dig out my old fat jeans. I'm hurting all the time- either my knees or my arches, sometimes both. I have to do something about this over the summer, because I can't keep doing this. I am miserable with my body right now. It's just a matter of pulling myself out of the funk I've been in to deal with it.

On the upside, I've already done something major- I've quit drinking coffee almost completely at this point, which I got into during spring semester. Seriously, that was a HUGE portion of my caloric intake. I can't deal with regular coffee for both taste and acidity reasons (my body revolts after one cup and I have stomach cramps for DAYS after. I've tried. I've also tried tea, before anybody says anything, and I strongly dislike it without a half a ton of sugar, which defeats the entire point), so I got to drinking those Starbucks Vanilla Frappucino things at school. At 200 calories a pop. And I typically had two on a school day, sometimes three, and that was just liquid calories not even counting food. Um. Yeah. Like I said, it was a problem. It's been a lot better, though- I haven't really had any in a while now. Though I think that's probably not contributing to my "funk" because I'm just freaking exhausted all the time. Meh.

Also, I need to start weighing myself daily again, because that helps me keep on track even though it makes me a little crazy.

The biggest problem is that the food needs to get under control. As was the case when I was originally starting out, it's not so much the volume as WHAT it is. I got back into some really bad habits at school. Here's the thing, I take the bus- which I'm typically catching at about 6:30 in the morning. So anything I'd bring for food would have to not get gross for a good long while. The other problem with bringing lunches has been that the bus is often PACKED. Think sardines. So there's a good chance that things I brought would be squashed, or in the case of certain packaging, might burst with pressure. Sooo I haven't been packing lunches, and what's at school is what a friend summed up as "college food", otherwise known as crap. It's ALL sub-par and anything that's even remotely healthy looking is, of course, a lot more expensive. And there aren't a whole lot of other options as far as going off-campus, either. It's all fast food and a grocery store where everything costs twice as much as in the one by my house. Seriously. It's freaking ridiculous and I'm not willing to spend that kind of money on a regular basis. Anyway, so yeah, between that and a whole lot of stress eating, I've created a real mess here. I've been eating like absolute crap, and it hasn't gotten any better since I went on break. I just... yeah. Need to do that. A project over the summer is trying to figure out how to bring lunches without it getting squashed/all over my backpack/gross. I'm also wary of getting a lunch bag, because of not only space on the bus, but also the fact that I'm a derp and I tend to leave stuff under my chair (seriously, I've done that SO many times with my umbrella when it wasn't dry enough to put back in my bag). There are microwaves that are easily accessible, so I could do to-go soup things, those aren't terribly expensive, and I could eat those out of the container. I purchased a cheap plastic sandwich holder which will hopefully hold up against squashing. Almonds are good for snacking as long as I divvy them out ahead of time, which isn't really that big of a deal, I just have to remember to pack all of my stuff in the morning, you know? Hard veggies like baby carrots maybe. Protein bars. Other than that, I have absolutely no clue. Although at least if all else fails, I guess I can always get a baked potato at Wendy's or something, or spend the little extra to get a salad or whatever at school.

Also need to start with vitamins and water again, because I definitely feel better when I'm doing that... not to mention that to add insult to injury with everything else, my skin has gone go complete hell. Meh.

And of course, the last piece of the puzzle- working out. Moving more, at least. Something's wrong with my Wii board, so I really need to figure that out. I'd bought a rechargeable battery pack for it, but it won't turn on even though it should be charged. I dunno. Maybe the pack is bad. Must investigate. Exercise is the last thing on the list for a reason, though- the other stuff, particularly food, is more important to start with, and working out is the hardest thing to make myself do because I freaking hate it. Baby steps.

I will also more or less be wiping the slate clean here, at least on my profile and whatnot. I have enough guilt about this without being reminded about how I've failed. Plus it'll be easier with the Wii vs bathroom scale thing, because with essentially starting over, I can just use the bathroom scale and be done with it. Bam. Basically, all this boils down to just doing what I was doing before. Unfortunately. It's hard enough to begin with, you guys know that, but it's even harder a second time when you know exactly how much work it is. But... I just need to freaking do it. I've done this before. I know the routine. I can do it again, dammit. I just have to buckle down and actually do it. Easier said than done, as I've proven quite effectively with my numerous failed restarts. But really? I just need the spark to work once. That's what I'm looking for here. I'm not going to make any promises- bad things seem to happen when I do that- but we'll see what happens.
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  • VERLOREN1983
    2BMYOWN- Yeah, I do. It sucks, but it's got to be done, right? I'm trying not to beat myself up too much... trying being the key word. I'm a perfectionist, it's in my nature. ^_~ And yeah, one day at a time is my basic philosophy with these kinds of things- that's why I'm such a big fan of starting slowly. It builds confidence and motivation when those are always at their lowest in the beginning, at least in my experience. Today I'm tracking. Not even necessarily consciously cutting, just keeping an eye on things (though tracking does lend itself to scaling back anyway, regardless). Tomorrow I'll add something else. ^_^

    CRAFTINWIFE- Thanks~ :D
    1821 days ago
    1822 days ago
    Don't you hate the perpetual cycle of starting over ad nauseum? Been there, still doing it, to a certain point, altho not as badly as in the past. But then I am much older than you and MY 'scare point' came in that I began to get blood sugar readings that were highly out of the norm and that was a tremendous wake up call to me that has managed to stick with me and give me the fortitude that I lacked prior to overall, I guess it was a blessing in disguise. But don't be embarrassed or guilty or any of those things, that can really defeat you when you use that to just feel worse about yourself. I have come to think that the biggest reason we gain weight to begin with is already because of poor self-image, so we 'hide' behind the layers. Then you compound the guilt over our perceived self-failures on top of that....well, it just adds to the cycle and compounds the problem. Much better to just view it as a normal slip of a normal person due to life circumstances and then go on from there without castigating yourself for being human and make that particular day (and the next...and the next....) a little better. Or at least that is how I have come to view it....whether that works for someone else is a catch-22. LOL
    1822 days ago
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