My introduction...sort of

Monday, June 24, 2013

I want to start by stating that my name isn't really "Darla". "Darla" is the name I used to give out to strangers (men) in social situations when I didn't want to tell them my real name. I was younger, cuter, and thinner then. I chose the name Darla because it sounded cute (as in Darla from "The Little Rascals"), but also a little sexy, like a Vargas pin-up girl. I continue to use "Darla" as a pseudonym out of habit, but now instead of teasing behind it, I'm hiding behind it. I'm hiding my shame, my depression, my anger, and my dirty little compulsive eating secret. I would like to one day introduce myself by my real name, but for now--I will stay "Darla".

Probably like most who come here, I have had my ups and downs with weight-loss. To look at me, you wouldn't necessarily think I was that overweight. I'm quite tall--5'11" to be exact. And with clothes on, I admit I can look fairly decent. I have been much thinner in the not-so-distant past, and I looked more than "decent" then. I would like to get back to that thinner place again--that weight where my clothes fit me comfortably, and I don't feel like I need to hide beneath baggy over-sized sweaters. But, since my public appearance (as opposed to what I see privately in front of the mirror), is not remarkably large, what really brings me here is something less obvious than a muffin top. No one would likely guess that I have a terrible monster lurking inside of me--a voracious, insatiable beast that takes over my brain, mouth, hands, and will. The monster never calls ahead to ask if there’s room or if it’s convenient for her to visit. She needn’t ask because she’s become one with my being—she’s always with me, and she never lets me forget she’s the one with the upper hand.

What happened today to make it different than other days? What has finally brought me to start this blog in hopes of working this demon out of my system? Well, I recently had an epiphany that I am truly powerless over food. I really “got” it. I’ve heard it said by others before, but the meaning of those words didn’t truly sink in until a couple of days ago. Now I get it. I am a compulsive eater and all my efforts to end this disorder have failed. I made this declaration here on SP in an Overeaters Anonymous Team thread, and I thought about “abstinence” and what it meant to me. Bearing this in mind, I was “good” all day yesterday…until my husband invoked the demon with the magic words, “It’s ice cream time”. And then, it was all over. A huge dish of ice cream, and then the equivalent amount again, as I found excuses to go into the kitchen armed with a spoon. I snuck giant mouthfuls and hurriedly shoved them into my mouth lest my husband would catch me in the act.

Guilt-ridden, but also determined to do better, I awoke this morning telling myself that today is a new day. It’s Sunday—the beginning of a new week; the perfect day to start fresh. (Sound familiar?) I had my coffee, went to the bathroom, and weighed myself. For some reason, I was actually expecting to see a lower number on the scale than my last weigh-in two weeks ago. I guess that’s because I finally started going to the gym again. But instead, my weight had gone up 2.5 lbs. No matter that I know all about how the scale can lie, and also that I know in my head that it’s “just a number”. My heart sunk. I went downstairs, depressed but still planning to eat my breakfast and go to the gym. I ate my yogurt with fruit and Fiber One in it. I even went on to my SP Food-tracker to plan out what I would eat for the rest of the day. And then the monster woke up. She laughed at me and my efforts. She marched me into the kitchen and, at a mere 8:00am, she forced me to eat ICE CREAM!!! Ice cream straight out of the cartons (plural), followed by myriad other carb-laden foods. By the time my husband returned (around 9am) from working a short morning shift, I had already consumed well beyond my daily calorie quota. What’s worse is that when he sat down to eat his breakfast, I joined him with a big bowl of rice and veggies and then shared some melon with him. He had no idea how much I had eaten while he was out. He never knows. It’s my shameful little secret.

This binging has continued all day, and it’s only 3:35pm right now. Even though I’ve probably had at least 3 days’ worth of food, I am quite certain that I’m not done eating for the day. I’m going to end this entry now. But I just wanted to get started. It is my hope that in the future I can use this medium to work out my thoughts and my demons, BEFORE they send me into the kitchen.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Been there done that. I have hidden wrappers and containers I even replaced food I had eaten, expensive! Even gone to different shops. You have made the right decision in writing a blog it will keep you accountable. Just take one day at a time. That's all you can do. It is an addiction. emoticon
    2061 days ago
    Keep checking in and writing your blog, it does help. Also, use your teams as much as possible, there are more people out there with a similar problem than you know. You need to find out why you do this. That might take a while, but Spark is the place to do it. If I can help, let me know. We all need help on this walk.

    emoticon emoticon
    2061 days ago
  • no profile photo LITTLETEALOVER
    My heart aches for you. I don't have the same problem as you, but I can imagine how devastating it must be.

    You say your husband doesn't know about your problem. Are you sure? He may know more than you realize. Consider talking to him about it. He may be the best support that you never knew you had. Does he know that you are trying to start a healthy lifestyle? Perhaps you could point out to him that ice cream is a problem for you, and keep it out of the house. I understand that the ice cream is not the bigger issue, but it sounds like it may be a trigger food for you.

    Do you have any idea what may have caused your binge this morning? Was it the scale? If so, consider avoiding the scale for awhile. You can make changes and see results without using the scale. Focus on the small details, like drinking 8 glasses of water or eating 5 freggies a day. Continue blogging when you do have a binge and try to see past the shame so you can begin to recognize what is causing you to binge. Most of all, learn to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt. Take it one meal at a time and if you feel a binge coming on, try to distract yourself with other activities.

    Best wishes.

    2126 days ago
    Thank you for reading my blog! I wanted so desperately to be heard. I'm literally in tears right now. Thank you for your support. I really need that right now.
    2126 days ago
  • ABAKER34
    Hi Darla, I totally hate that feeling, when you are full and you keep eating, thinking, why am I eating this? This second serving doesn't taste any better! I will also hide wrappers from my husband, because why does he need to know that although we just finished dinner, I needed another snack? It's so good that you started your blog, because now you can get the support of others out their like us. It also is just helpful to vent about it!
    2126 days ago
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