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Sunday, June 23, 2013

So I've come to the conclusion that I haven't been writing much lately because through out any given day I go through so many thoughts and emotions that even I can't keep track of them all.

After reading a blog of another member I started to think about the phases of emotions that I go through and I told them that I don't track them nor necessarily understand the pattern of them. Through out the day we encounter soo many different things that can affect who we are and how we see the world. So I started thinking about some of the things that I come across on a daily basis that effect the way I may feel. I can wake up feeling on top of the world but by the time the sun goes down that can be a totally different story. Some people are more suseptaable than others, and I guess I am one of them.

I woke up this morning feeling tired, I was wide awake but still tired none the less. Now I'm feeling drained. Some of the highlights to my mood and emotional exhaustion?

Well first things first I was doing some Navy studying which in of itself is exhausting and overwhelming. It's foriegn everything and I have to do soo much background research to learn what it is that I need to learn. After that I moved on to a book. In 12 hrs I managed to page through an entire book start to finish, now I don't know how many pages it was because I was reading it in the kindle app but still. It of course went through all kinds of emotions that some of you who also read understand that you as the reader go through them as well.

One of the other events of the day.... So most of you know the back story of my ex.... of course he is involved in this, how could he not be? So DBF went to a concert last night, no big deal, knew he would be drinking... Never recieved a single text from him which again not a big deal. Until I got the text message around noon saying "I'm sorry left the phone in the car all night" now this wouldn't bother a normal person, but after everything from my ex, almost immediatly my brain went 100 miles/hr wondering why he wouldn't have grabbed it. He's glued to it most of the time.. Then I found out he drank soo much that he couldn't remember most of the night. I honestly don't believe he cheated, in fact it really bothers me that my mind went there in the first place. It's irritating. How long will it take before I can trust without my mind going there?

It made me think of the first time my ex's cheating was brought to my attention. I was a junior in Highschool we had been dating about 6 mo and I was in gymnastics, I was just getting ready to compete on bars and one of his close friends who was also on the team told me he had slept with one of her friends at a party the previous week. Appropriatly so, he denied the whole thing. So 5 1/2 yrs it was always in the back of my mind that he was cheating.

All that in one day. I was mad at him today(my ex) that he still had the power to influence me. It made me mad that I could think that of a man who loves me more than I could ever imagine.

It brings me to the point of this blog, that as quickly as the emotion of anger came on it left almost as fast along with the other emotions that have come through out the day seamlessle flowing in and out as if they were water or a cameleon changing colors. Naturally and involuntary...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh Boy - not good Dani - yep I can relate completely to the all night thing. You know I am very proud of you studying your Navy Information . I don't have to tell you that , that is your priority . besides maybe - DBF is a tiny little jealous about your trip with Bestie ?? You know how that goes. Relax and enjoy your life and freedom cause FOREVER is a real long time !!! Hugs K emoticon emoticon The Big Picture is this emoticon
    1759 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/25/2013 6:48:33 PM
    Oh man. I hate when this happens. I agree that a year is not enough time. I speak from my own experience. I mean I feel great most days and then a situation will come up and I'm slammed right back to month one. It's awful but it's better to let it out than pretend it's not happening.
    1760 days ago
    I can sooooo relate to this! I go through so many moods in any given day that I honestly sometimes think I am mentally unstable to the point of being crazy. And yes, as an avid reader, I understand the reading thing too: on any given day, anything that I read will add about 100 more moods/emotions into the mix. It's impossible to keep track of it all! I suppose all we can really do is try and pinpoint specific overall patterns.

    I am sorry that your relationship with your ex has led to your having trust issues in your current relationship. But I think that is totally understandable, and while I don't blame you for being upset and angry about this, you need to give yourself more time to properly heal. I hate to say it, but after all you've been through, I don't think a year is enough. You've come a long way baby, and made so much progress, but deep seated emotions like this are hard to completely overcome. Just the fact that you are so aware of them is a good thing though, and I know in time your mind will not immediately go to cheating when something like this happens. Betrayal is one of the worst things to get over. Stay strong!
    1761 days ago
    Thoughts come and go....thinking about past loves, mistakes, regrets, or the mroe positive things how to get on and over things quickly! Etc. Its alway a choice we make.... Its how we handle them that makes us who we are. We can either choose to dwell on past mistakes or regrets or we can change our course for better outlooks. "So a man or woman ( person) thinks he (or she) becomes! It is so true! What you dwell on tells me you are nto over him! What you need is a new direction. Or such thoughts can drain you and bring you to despair and despondency! Our thoughts can drain us of any energy! They cna bring us down to the depths of despiar! (I know for if I dwell on my pain it will do it to me too!)

    How I get pass such is.... I find a new direction or project or something that can get my mind off my problems (music or a comdey movie! It do it mostly thru creativity. Like listening to upbeat music that has nothing to do with the former issues! I love Beethoven and Bach to get me over stuff or if its about losses, I love hearing Morris Chapmans Praise songs and Other worship music. They elevate my thoughts real quick! Its gotten me thru a lot of misery and pain!

    If your despondency is due to not getting out in the sun to get Vitamin D, which can cause depressions, one may be subjected to depressed thinking; so try taking it in pill form. It can help you also! If you need energy, try adrenaline (can be found at www.vitaminshoppe.com ! It can help also! susana
    1761 days ago
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