Food for thought
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Yesterday I had that sensation again - I really really want to eat something - but I am full and if I imagine stuffing more food in I would feel uncomfortable. That kept me from eating obsessively but it makes me really sure that my food compulsion is very little about the value, amount and time span I eat in - it is all about my mind. Correction - of course t might be easier to tame the tiger if I am not hungry and there are many practical ways I can help myself to a better eating but in the end it is not about the food, it is about my obsessive state of mind.
I am experimenting with a very laidback plan this week - I can eat whatever I want except pork and I will try not to get nauseated full.... sounds simple? Not if you have a lot of brainghosts twirling around saying mysterious and unspoken things...
My attempts to lose weight has mostly been about control – plan, weigh and measure. The fast diet was a different approach - I just stayed away from food for a time and then ate freely in between. To me it was easier to handle the fasting than the free eating.
I do not know if it is possible for a compulsive overeater to handle food without weighing and measuring - or should I say I don´t know if it is possible for me.
I will repeat what was so good about "The fast diet" and the BBC documentary with Michael Mosley - they killed a lot of "rules" I have heard for years and years:
1. You HAVE to eat breakfast... backed with a lot of scientific results about how people who had breakfast lost more than those who didn´t. Mosley did the lunch-to-lunch fast for a while and had no problem. A friend of mine skipped breakfast after hearing about Mosley and has lost a kilo in a month...I like my breakfast and will probably want it in my plan but it is liberating to know that there is no MUST there, it is a preference on an individual level.
2. You HAVE to eat three meals with two snacks a day - this I disregarded some years ago when I realised that this "snack" idea is very modern, and people seemed to survive before it was becoming a "rule" - and I have even read that the snack thing is a conspiracy from the snack producers... I only know that I don´t need any snack at all before lunch. I also tried for a while to eat one meal a day and I think that it is something I could do if I only get rid of the ghosts that tells me that it is SO wrong, SO unhealthy and to extreme.
3. Sugar and white flour are the crooks. Sure, don´t disagree that that is a fact for some people, not for me. Pork and fat is my downfall, of course I can´t overindulge on sugar or bread - but to me it is not trigging that obsessive craving, I like it but can stay away ... not so with pork shoulder or bacon... I could get very fat on icecream and salty chips - and probably pizza too - but they are not irresistible in my fridge as a piece of pork shoulder or a packet of bacon is...
4. Exercise is the solution. Not to weight loss. It is the solution to a healthy life overall and does a lot of good to you but I can exercise a lot and still gain weight if I eat obsessively. While I can lose weight from my sofa if I just eat healthily. Therefore I should not prioritize exercise when the weightloss is threatening to kill me - first lose weight and then trust that it will be a lot easier to exercise when mobility is better.
5. Without 100 % control and tracking I will not be able to eat and lose weight. This is about my inner demon that says that I am a cheater and a liar and have no good judgement - that means that if I can´t prove to myself that I am eating right by showing a list with everything tracked in detail I will eat too much. There is SO much talk about "denial" in twelvestep communities. In my case my "denial" is that I always assume that I am a failure that can´t achieve things without rigorous control. The worst brain ghost of them all.
I went to my university page the other day and discovered that I had gotten extra remarks for my singer-songwriting course. I think I have written earlier that I was the perfect student in that course - attended all lectures, did all assignments, delivered the exam paper at the scheduled time, did my practical examination with the others... but as I can´t play any instrument well I thought that it would only get me a flat approval and I would not mind because I have no use at all for any extra remarks. But I felt very happy for the recognition. And try to learn that I was the perfect student without any big effort, I just loved the whole thing and the eagerness to learn overcame all the resistance of going to eveningclass although I was tired etc.
Lust is surely a better motivator than must.
Clouds are hanging low today, my lawn need to be mowed and I am waiting for the time to pass nine - would be cruel to the neighbours to start earlier. Hope the rain stays away until I am done...