Saturday, June 22, 2013
Quotation from my Recovery Meditations
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"Trust God and buy broccoli."
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I heard that quotation in an OA meeting years ago. "What an odd
thing," I thought. "Why does God care what I buy?" But as years have
gone by and my abstinence continues one day at a time, I see the
meaning of that phrase and have deep respect for its principle.
I can trust God 'til the cows come home, but there is work to be
done. A more familiar quote is: "Trust God but continue to row toward
Abstinence for me is not only refraining from compulsive overeating,
but abstaining from what I call my "alcoholic foods." They block that
beautiful contact between me and the Sunlight of the Spirit. It is my
responsibility to purchase, prepare, weigh and measure the best foods
for my peace of mind ~ and to open the channel to a Power Greater than
Myself. Now I live this way, with thanks to the twelve steps.
Framed quotation AND reflection above is not me, but I totally agree. Becoming sober was a decision not to drink alcohol but THEN it was forming a life where alcohol had very little place - meeting people in a different manner, arranging dinners in a different manner planning activities that did not include alcohol fro anyone, seeking for support among people who had the same view as me.
The first year or so I was very rigid with where or what I was doing. And then, as things got safer and more natural I dared to be in environments where alcohol was present and that is where I am today.
But compared to all the struggle I had controlling my drinking to be less at a time and less times, it was really easy to stop.
Yesterday I celebrated midsummer - I was informed that it was a potluck but not all together but everybody should bring their own - so I did. Brought some "pulled chicken" bred and salad. The others had the famous herring, potato and sour cream - felt a bit awkward to eat different but I did not mind that much - helped me not to keep on restlessly eating from the tables as the friends did - once full they kept on having a slice of bread, some cheese a nibble of salad etc. and I refused the dessert that was rhubarb pie with vanilla sauce or strawberries with whipped cream. I just did not want any.
It was totally boring. The friends got louder and louder and my head started to feel dizzy. I just wanted to escape... and I sat their for hours and hours until I mastered the guts to tell them that I needed to go home and not stay overnight.
And then I drove back at midnight - almost fell asleep at the wheel, had to stay three times for a nap and did not arrive home until half past four.
I feel bad about the friends probably finding me a bore, wish I had stayed home or more precisely, wish I had said from the start that I would drive home, that would surely had made me a happier guest...
Me and my OA-friend often tell each other that it is all about the food - if we stayed on plan everything is nice, if we did not, everything is a failure.
I think that goes for weight as well - stepped on the scale yesterday and was back on it! My recent gain has made it reach the limit but now I am back on the measurable scale again - probably because of the diuretic. Made me feel great.
But the weird thing was that I was not hungry or had any craving yesterday. I had some bread left and thought I would indulge in salmon sandwiches this morning but no...ate a reasonable serving and then quit. And that is it - it is not hard to eat healthily if you don´t want to eat...
Now the wish to eat is back because I feel lousy but I am neither craving nor hungry. I am almost angry at all the selfbashing I spend because I can´t refrain frome eating - now I can but that is not because I am "better", stronger or working harder - I just don´t need to.