honest musings - lost somewhere in the marathon journey (week

Thursday, June 20, 2013

It is week 9 in my marathon "training" and I haven't been blogging like I said I would. My beautiful friend Kathy has been blogging about her marathon journey and journey is more internal.....while this may not appear to be directly a blog about marathon training, it is incredibly relevant to me. I was in fierce beast mode. I feel that the energy has transitioned for the time being.....I am still a fierce beast but I feel that right now it is more about being vulnerable and trusting.......

Feeling incredibly reflective and introspective today. I think somehow I've slowly been losing some of that confidence in myself....the awareness of just how incredible every OTHER person is never leaves my consciousness but I have felt a shift in my acknowledgement of my own self worth. Relationships can make one feel terribly exposed and vulnerable; this is a feeling which I have not handled well historically because of my background. Trust in myself and others seems elusive. I am aware that this is a lesson that I need to learn rather than shrinking away like I have in the past. My sister was right in saying that we can not seek outwardly for that sense of worthiness. It seems so much easier when the world is quiet and you're alone.....not risking, not putting yourself in situations that could break your heart. I am thankful to Mother Earth and Father Sun for these conscious thoughts today. Always remember to let yourself be expansive and feel all that there is to feel. I need to learn to love myself, even when rumors are spreading like wildfire. Learn to love myself and others regardless of whether or not that love is returned. Learn worry less.....risk more. I am strong and I try to consciously live my life making ethical choices for myself and being true to my authentic self. Why do I feel this rock in my stomach today? Anxious and afraid that the world will fall out from under my feet. Worst yet, comparing myself to others. Focusing far too much on the past.....letting current situations drag up all of these things that I've pushed away for so long....letting my head go places it should not be. It is like a struggle between allowing myself to be exposed and vulnerable to those I love and to the world so I can continue this beautiful journey of transformation and growth and walling myself up so that I can never be hurt again. What is life if you don't allow yourself to be open and willing to love and be loved? I'm a firm believer in living out loud.....making your mark on the world. I think a wise woman is right...I'm giving my power away by allowing all of these words to impact me the way it has. So how do you move on from the past and the current negativity and allow yourself to remain open?

There are a few things which I was afraid would happen...and I let them happen. It is time to change that. I kind of feel like I've lost that piece of myself (I could even say PEACE of myself)...the piece of myself that felt strong and worthy. All of a sudden I feel in a way I never have been before. I'm used to negativity from parents and significant others. I am not used to negativity from strangers, family, "friends"....all of it at once and all of it based in lies.

I'm returning to my therapist...I'm returning to myself. My love of running has always been based on the love it opens up for myself....the connection I feel with the Earth.....with all things. I feel whole and complete when I run, even when I am torn and broken down by the challenges me. It makes me realize just how strong I am. It makes me CONFIDENT in who I am and what I have to offer this world and everyone in it. I feel like breaking letting it all spew out of me in whatever way it needs to. Marathon training is so much about being vulnerable and giving in to the journey and the obstacles that come with it. It truly is a metaphor for life. After the half marathon I was injured and I allowed myself some time off. Problem is, I never returned to the beast mode. Here it is 2.5 weeks later and I am feeling weak, fluffy, and anxious....anxious isn't the right word actually. Prior to the half marathon I had this confidence.....this belief that I was truly worthy of anything that came my way and while parts of me still feel that I am capable of anything I have lost some of that feeling of self-worth. So today I make a promise to myself....a promise to do the work. A promise to love myself. A promise to allow myself to be happy without letting the fear take over.

The plan of attack:
Today- RUN! It is actually a spin day, but I'm not sure I want to spin. I feel that I need to return to running today.....

Friday: PT
Saturday: 11 mile run and swim lessons
Sunday: walk

Next week- full week return!!!!
Monday- rest day, but want to hike
Tuesday: 4 mile speed work and swim practice
Wednesday: 5 mile hill work and strength training
Thursday: spin class
Friday-Sunday: camping....oh sweet solitude in nature how I have missed thee!!!!!! 3 days off the grid....immersing myself in Mother Nature, soaking up the love of father Sun......communing with their children.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    run and get those endorphins flowing
    2951 days ago
    Thanks for the reminder not to let others negativity and self loathing transfer onto me, I struggle with this sometimes from a certain family member! Hope you had a lovely run and a chance to center yourself. I know its hard to move on from the past but letting go benefits yourself, forgive yet, not forget has always served me well~ emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2954 days ago
    Yes, yes, and yes. All of this discomfort IS healing. You just keep moving and you will get there, gorgeous!
    2957 days ago
  • FIREFLY4407
    Great blog Blaize - and a good reminder on self reflection. You truly bring so much to the lives of everyone you touch - don't underestimate that. Also, when things aren't right, the fact that you are addressing them head on, looking to figure out what's wrong and why, making plans to address - this speaks so much to who you are...

    2958 days ago
  • UNICORN212
    I agree - back to the therapist! You will learn that when you make decisions, you make the best decision you can with the tools and information you have at that moment. Yes, you sometimes later regret that decision, but only when you get new information! If we all had a crystal ball to see the future, decision making would be easy! So let go of past decisions and look for the future.
    2958 days ago
    Great blog and lots of opening up and being vulnerable. Through that you grow. You are an amazing woman and I know you can do this and come out stronger than you even imagined you could be internally and externally!
    2958 days ago
    honey I am so proud of you. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. you are amazing. your record half marathon wasn't even three weeks ago. I think sometimes we need time after these things ( says the woman who took 2 months off, nit mere weeks lol). I love your reasons behind running, and I love you. have a wonderful run, you deserve it. and your time of the grid sounds wonderful.
    2958 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13884126
    You are worth it...just keep on loving yourself and going for the gold. You can and will do it all. emoticon m emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon mmmmm
    2958 days ago
    Great Blog Blaize You are AMAZING!!!! Love ya
    2958 days ago
    Very cool blog Blaize!
    2958 days ago
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