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Coming Clean

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I've had several weeks of feeling down, tired, and unmotivated. I've worked at it here and there, trying to find my drive and get my "spark" back...but it's so dim right now. I knew I wasn't doing right by the San Antonio team as a leader. I was so fortunate to have HEALTHYHABITGAL and JELAWTON3 step up to the plate and become a part of the leadership team. I roused myself enough to rally, rant, and beg local members to pledge more fitness minutes for June to raise us back up on the Spark America Leaderboard...but still...I'm flat out wiped out.

I've had to admit that my body is not bouncing back well from being relatively inactive for quite a few weeks while my leg has been healing. Getting back to exercise has been very hard. I went downhill very fast. My breathing is worse than it has been in a couple years. The COPD is definitely getting a bit worse. This is bringing me to my point. I am depressed. Not clinically, chemically, off balance depressed. I know and recognize the difference. This depression is more akin to being in a grieving process. I'm not having a pity party, but I am working through coming to grips with the reality that while I have a lot of road to cover and will cover in my journey to a healthier life, I may never be that "ideal" I've envisioned of myself for so long.

My health will get better if I continue working at it, but I will never be an elite athlete. At some point down the road (a long way down the road, God willing) I may face a lung transplant. My heart is still carrying damage from the past heart attack and I am still considered at elevated risk for another heart attack. The news about James Gandolfini dying at 51 from a heart attack yesterday really jolted me. I'm 53. I am so not ready to die.

I do all of the right things food wise about 90% of the time, which is a lot better than most Americans do, according to statistics. Until the leg injury, I was working out 30-60 minutes a day 5 days a week, which is also a lot more than most Americans do. Yet I remain obese. I remain sick. After 3 years it sort of starts to wear thin, watching a lot of people succeed. I'm happy for them, and also envious. I also see those who fall and go away. I'm proud to be able to say I haven't gone anywhere. I have stuck it out, carried myself proudly to local meets even when I've gained - never once hiding who I am or what I look like. I've tried to be the example of never giving up and never giving in....but it hurts that I have so little to show for it.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'll get out of this funk and be posting away on our local team page again, soon. I'll be at our local team dinner meet up at The Cove on Friday, June 28th at 7pm. I'll be making plans with the other leaders for another super special long term endeavor along the lines of our year long training for the Half Sparkathon we did last year. Just bear with me. As always, I love you all.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Keep your spirits up MJ, you are the best this team has to offer and I am so glad that you have never given up. I for one have given up twice before because of different reasons and have felt as stupid as it sounds, ashamed. Ashamed for gaining and letting it get to me and not turning to Spark People especially my local team for support. I just gave up. This time thanks to you and other's, i'm not going to give up on me or Spark People. Gain or lose I will be here too and hope that I can help support you in any way I can. Thank you for still being here and I do wish you well and hope you get to feeling better soon :)

    emoticon Amy
    2072 days ago
    Even she-beasts get tired of the pilgrimage they're on. Give yourself a mental break - we understand. Stop and smell the roses, breathe the air around you. I believe in you.
    2072 days ago
  • -AIMIE-
    I'm sorry you are dealing with so many obstacles right now. You said it yourself that you do better than most Americans most of the time. Be proud of that and try to focus on positive rather than negative things. Hopefully the depression can be relieved with some help from a doctor and maybe some medication. It's brave of you to share your struggles. Have faith in the process and be patient with yourself. Sending happy, healing thoughts you way!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2073 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like you've had some hurdles, but I hope you continue on. You are worth the effort!
    2073 days ago
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