Thursday, June 20, 2013
I've had several weeks of feeling down, tired, and unmotivated. I've worked at it here and there, trying to find my drive and get my "spark" back...but it's so dim right now. I knew I wasn't doing right by the San Antonio team as a leader. I was so fortunate to have HEALTHYHABITGAL and JELAWTON3 step up to the plate and become a part of the leadership team. I roused myself enough to rally, rant, and beg local members to pledge more fitness minutes for June to raise us back up on the Spark America Leaderboard...but still...I'm flat out wiped out.
I've had to admit that my body is not bouncing back well from being relatively inactive for quite a few weeks while my leg has been healing. Getting back to exercise has been very hard. I went downhill very fast. My breathing is worse than it has been in a couple years. The COPD is definitely getting a bit worse. This is bringing me to my point. I am depressed. Not clinically, chemically, off balance depressed. I know and recognize the difference. This depression is more akin to being in a grieving process. I'm not having a pity party, but I am working through coming to grips with the reality that while I have a lot of road to cover and will cover in my journey to a healthier life, I may never be that "ideal" I've envisioned of myself for so long.
My health will get better if I continue working at it, but I will never be an elite athlete. At some point down the road (a long way down the road, God willing) I may face a lung transplant. My heart is still carrying damage from the past heart attack and I am still considered at elevated risk for another heart attack. The news about James Gandolfini dying at 51 from a heart attack yesterday really jolted me. I'm 53. I am so not ready to die.
I do all of the right things food wise about 90% of the time, which is a lot better than most Americans do, according to statistics. Until the leg injury, I was working out 30-60 minutes a day 5 days a week, which is also a lot more than most Americans do. Yet I remain obese. I remain sick. After 3 years it sort of starts to wear thin, watching a lot of people succeed. I'm happy for them, and also envious. I also see those who fall and go away. I'm proud to be able to say I haven't gone anywhere. I have stuck it out, carried myself proudly to local meets even when I've gained - never once hiding who I am or what I look like. I've tried to be the example of never giving up and never giving in....but it hurts that I have so little to show for it.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I'll get out of this funk and be posting away on our local team page again, soon. I'll be at our local team dinner meet up at The Cove on Friday, June 28th at 7pm. I'll be making plans with the other leaders for another super special long term endeavor along the lines of our year long training for the Half Sparkathon we did last year. Just bear with me. As always, I love you all.