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shedding layers

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

So I've mentioned feeling a little bit "off" lately, but I haven't really understood what was at the core of that, until I had a conversation with a friend today. We were talking about how lately I've been feeling exceptionally nostalgic and thinking about people and relationships from the past that I haven't considered in years. I dug out all my old pictures, and even read through my old love letters. As a result, lots of long-dormant emotions have been stirred up, for better or for worse.

Here's the thing: weight loss requires making changes in your life. This has been a very transitional period in my life, and lots of things are changing: my health, my physical appearance, my outlook on life, my hopes and dreams for the future. But I am still a product of my past experiences, and as I shed layers of whatever I've been "hiding" behind, past experiences and feelings, confidences and insecurities are revealed and demand attention.

I've long understood that I would never be successful at losing weight until I addressed the emotional aspects of how and why I allowed myself to get this fat in the first place. I think I've mostly dealt with the trauma of the past. Of course there are still remnants, but for the most part, I'm in pretty good shape there. But this revisiting old flames thing is new territory for me. Part of it has to do with the fact that all I've ever really wanted is to find someone who really knows me. Who takes as much interest in me as I do in them. I love my husband, and our relationship works for a multitude of important reasons, but I've never felt like he really "gets" me.

One of the things that's held me back from losing weight in the past is wondering exactly how my weight loss would affect my marriage. I've heard lots of stories about how relationships dissolve over these sorts of things, and I can see some potential for that in ours. I honestly don't think it *would* happen, but it *could*, and that's worrisome for me.

I'm not only in the process of losing weight and gaining health. I'm also in the process of rediscovering myself. Of allowing myself to be the person I've always wanted to be, but felt like my weight inhibited. It's exciting and terrifying all at once.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    All of the feelings you have expressed are normal when you face large changes. You can hide in the past or you can make the present yours.

    I have lots of moments where I feel my husband doesn't get me or is my road block. I sometimes wish things worked out differently but they didn't and I've learned that I shouldn't dwell there because nothing goos comes out of it. I can only change me and move me forward.

    Just remember to keep communicating with your husband. My husband and I both made the mistake of bottling everything up and it lead us down a destructive path. Luckily some counseling and some major life changes got us back on track but there was a period where it was rocky and we were not sure if we were going to be able to make it. Today we have a better, albeit different, relationship than when we first met.

    Change is hard but the reward at the end can be very sweet.

    Hang in there.

    1775 days ago
    Oh sweetie, I know exactly what you are talking about. I used to have a suitcase full of old flame letters, and I would dig them out whenever I needed validation. But then something marvelous happened---we moved and somehow the suitcase got left behind, I was heartsick at first, but then I started to have a stronger relationship with my hubby. I came to realize that I, ME, Hattie make my own validation, and that I am the own who can decide where my marriage goes, and how strong it is. I started paying more attention to my hubby, weekly date night are a must, and we go away for a long weekend at least once a year. We also try to have a daily check in, where for 5 minutes we REALLY focus on each other. Yes everything else is important too, but this is my life companion. Hang in there sweetie, and put your marriage above those letters=)

    As you know this is said only with love, and a desire to help.


    Hattie emoticon
    1776 days ago
    Great blog, thanks for sharing.
    1777 days ago
    1777 days ago
    Well said.
    1777 days ago
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