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The demon in me..

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Lets all be honest for a minute.. We all have our inner demons. Mine just happen to be really over powering and controlling (where the hell are the Winchesters when I need them). I've got a few specific ones that I can name. There's Junk Food Johnny, Binge Betty, and Susie Excusie. They all like to hold hands and collectively ruin my life. See, it starts with JFJ. Towards the end of the day, he tends to wake up. Now he's not quiet when he wakes up either, he runs around with a trash can lid and a drum stick and he beats the crap outta that lid to make sure that BB and SE wake up too. After they are all awake, they begin their assault on me. Johnny runs around, yelling all the delicious junk foods that are my weaknesses. Betty follows close behind him, telling me that I should definitely eat all of the things that Johnny is suggesting, because don't they just sound SO good?! I look to Susie in desperation, but she just smiles and pats my hand and says "it's okay, one binge won't hurt you! It'll all be okay, just start again tomorrow! One day won't kill you!" They all stand there, watching me with their arms crossed and smirks on their faces. Me... By this point I'm usually in the kitchen stuffing my face with something, and I feel like I didn't even mean to end up there. Usually as I'm walking to the kitchen, I'm thinking "here it goes again". But for some reason, I'm powerless to stop it. My eyes don't black out or anything (trying to see how many supernatural references I can make in this blog, haha) but if someone looked in my eyes at this point, they'd probably see some cookies and ice creams pints flying around. And of course, once that initial "diet breaker" of the day is done, I throw the rest of the day too. And I know, I've read all the comparisons and mantras out there (like if I dropped my phone, I wouldn't get a hammer and continue to smash it) but for some reason I just don't follow them.

I'm in the binge habit, I've been in binge mode for months now, and I don't know how to reverse it. It's not boredom, because it only strikes in the evening whether I'm at work or at home. I usually try to substitute something healthy for it, but it doesn't work. If I'm completely honest with myself, I've only been 100% good ONE day this week. One, that's it. It's so bad! I want my control back, I want my power back! Now I understand why people are anorexic, because they feel like they have some sort of control. Don't get me wrong, I could never be anorexic because I friggin love food. I just need to love food in a healthier relationship, because right now, I've definitely got an obsessive relationship with it. It's no secret that I'm a total foodie, I looooove food. But I need to figure out how to love it for the right reasons (like that it keeps my body healthy and fueled) instead of loving it because I love Reese's.

And yes I realize this blog is basically paragraphs of madness, but hey, you read this far already... Anyone got any tips for stomping the evening demons?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    HAha I love how you wrote this. I am in the same boat after work and ESPECIALLY when I am alone in the house--i make excuses that when my bf is out with the guys that its TAKEOUT/binge NIGHT!!...like wtf?!
    But this is my old life.This is the mindset I want to learn to change for the better. Yes, in my journey I have slipped into monster land more times than i can count and fallen back into the old me & habits, I have beaten myself up over it. But when you get on a roll eating well & exercise (even if its not ALL meals..start small) its phenomenal how different & amazing you feel and thats what drives you to continue. You will fall back sometimes but you'd be kidding yourself if you told yourself you wouldn't but slow & steady DOES win the race. You've got this.
    1832 days ago
    Okay I had something written and then realized it wasn't helpful. Ugh.
    1832 days ago
    Need to find a detour on the Roads to Madness. But if you must travel it, at least there's an awesome soundtrack.

    1833 days ago
  • MARIANNE9855
    you must have been reading my mind- today I did everything wrong- went shopping when I was superhungry and tired. I was kind of emotional and beating myself up over stuff. I bought two trigger foods that I knew was a mistake as I bought them.
    I went home and my one son has the nerve to be on a diet so I couldn't on him to eat up the food- the other one who probably would have eaten it- left and was gone for most of the day and night- so no help there.
    Night time is my worst time too- I put it as a snack on my next day's food tracker so I keep starting down already when I get up the next day.
    Maybe I could put rubber gloves on at night so it would be harder to eat- LOL

    Just know that we are all struggling and I will send you positive energy and maybe that will send back some good karma to me- emoticon emoticon some change is better than none!
    1835 days ago
    Supernatural love! Salt and burn! I'm the only person I know who knows and loves that show...in terms of your demons...eek? Maybe put some sexy pics of Sam and Dean on your fridge saying what would the winchesters do? Although that might not work with Dean. Bring me some pie! Well...good luck anyway!
    1835 days ago
    PUSH BACK ON THOSE DEMONS!! They are bad for your body. Your body is not a trash compactor for bad food. You can do this. You've done it before. Join me! Healthy competition is always good. Maybe we should do BLC. I wonder if that would help. Most of all, at least it's still in your mind that you need control. At least you aren't just giving into the binges all day long. Your mind knows what your body needs, and that's what most important. Luv you!
    1835 days ago
    sigh, I know...
    1835 days ago
    Y'no... I've found the perfect solution for me ... I take a nap LOL It's the only way I end up getting 8hrs sleep in a 24hr period ;)

    I figure, if I'm not at work, not exercising... I guess I should sleep! Of course, that lends itself to the getting back up so late, and doing more exercise and then not going back to bed until too late... maybe I would be better off with a snack LOL

    emoticon back those demons! emoticon
    1835 days ago
    I seriously loved this blog.and if the Winchesters ever come there to help you..I better be one of your first calls because I'll be on a flight haha. No for real though..as you already know me and you are alot alike and I have the same habits and same time period of those habits happening as you. It's super hard but I know we can overcome these demons. Sometimes I think for a few weeks we need to just say no. It's gonna suck but it just might work. :) Good Luck Lovely.
    1835 days ago
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