Regarding earlier blog
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
My meeting finished an HOUR earlier than expected. So hooray for that! That makes me happy. It went well, I did NOT eat the food, and I feel better because of it.
I am going to share a few thoughts here, while I enjoy my spinach, kefir, blueberry and flax seed smoothie.
I deleted my earlier, self-professed rant blog because I received some comments from a few people that I let overshadow the more positive and supportive comments and resulted in me feeling increasingly frustrated and alienated from my support group. Rather than leave it up and receive any more comments, I decided the post did not represent me very well as it was and that I should take it down. In other words, it increased my anxiety, rather than the opposite. Before I go further THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for those steadfast Spark friends who gave supportive shout outs.
Thoughts and responses to some of the comments:
a) Apparently my language and attitude was judged by a few people as harsh and somehow not as enlightened as I guess I am supposed to be. Believe me, I am more than a little aware that whining about how a free boxed lunch is way too many calories is a first world problem. I posted my rant as an expression of exasperation and as a way to seek support from people on a website entirely devoted to establishing and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. If I had the time, I would have certainly expanded upon my thoughts and deeper reflections in order to be better understood. I apologize for those who were taken aback by my bad attitude. My outlook at the time was prompted by a last minute stressor and hunger. It was a prime example of being "hangry".
b) That said, to address concerns about my "all or nothing thinking", I think it a much smarter choice for myself to abstain for a few hours rather than use up my calorie allotment for a only few bites of extremely fattening and unhealthy food that wouldn't satisfy my hunger at all and would likely promote further frustration. If an alcoholic was very thirsty, you wouldn't suggest that they drink a shot of liquor. I'd rather fill my belly with proper nourishment. My options, if I were to eat, were to take a few bites of 700-1000 calorie sandwich (good luck assessing and tracking calories) OR eat a bag of chips OR eat a cookie. Which would you pick? Would you have the self control to stop at just one of those choices when you are ravenous? I am not at a place where I can do that. I know with that first couple of bites it's over. My resolve would give away and I'd defer to the "Oh well, I'm defeated and will just suffer the consequences" mindset. If this meal was my only opportunity for food today, perhaps I would consider it, but I am already making up for bad choices from last week. I can abstain completely for what is a finite amount of time. Ironically, my decision to not eat anything was also viewed by one as "not being in control".
c) Another assertion someone made was that I shouldn't blame anyone else if I wasn't prepared. For the record, the person in charge of ordering food for these things does not do it until 24 hours beforehand. I checked in with her this morning, 3 hours before the meeting was to begin. However, she had left the office was was out for an appointment. In anticipation, I ate very very little for breakfast. I didn't anticipate that this would not be enough to make up for the lunch. She got back with me on the matter 30 minutes before the meeting, when she returned to her office. This was not enough time for me to stop what I was doing and eat beforehand. I am not perfect, but to assert that I am somehow unprepared or am duly suffering for what is my obvious mistake I believe was a presumptive, judgmental and harsh.
d) A comment was made about my assumed derogatory comment about the skinny person who is in charge of ordering the lunches. Apparently, this was viewed as me "blaming" someone else because I am not skinny. I never blamed anyone for anything. In my rant, I confessed to feeling a level of bitterness toward the "skinny all their life" person who does not have to be concerned about these issues. Again, I was confiding my emotional reactions to what I consider a support group. The "skinny admin" is actually a friend of mine and we get along quite well and have been there for each other in times of need. She also can sit next to me and eat a 1000+ calorie lunch with no repercussion. I am jealous of this. I'm not sure this makes me abnormal and I do not think I am inferior because of this. My tolerance for her good genetic make up was on the decline because of the situation. My tolerance of her as a person was not affected in the least nor would I have expressed my anger and frustration to her in person. She had a job to do, she did it.
e) What makes SparkPeople unique from other groups and diet programs is the concept of "community". In a moment of bad judgment, I posted a paragraph expressing negative emotion. I incorrectly assumed that all the people who were privy would take it for what I intended it to be (explained above). I figured people knew me and would roll with it. However, I now realize that people don't really "know" me. While there's plenty of positive and supportive messages to one another, there's not really a way to understand fully the depth and complexity of each personality one encounters online. I am reminded of my own weaknesses as well as my need for compassion toward others. I apologize if I came off as less than stellar. I was not unhinged. I was only freaking HUNGRY along with the sudden realization that there would not be an immediate fix.
Processing these things is why I am on this site, you know?