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overdue accounting for

Friday, May 31, 2013

OK, so I am finally ready to spill the beans about Memorial Day weekend.

I was bad. So bad. And I didn't care...well, that's not true. I did care, but not enough to beat myself up.

I had such good intentions heading into the weekend. Before I left for Atlanta, I scoped out the nearest YMCA to my friends' house. If you are a member locally, you can usually go to other locations not in your state and they will honor your membership. I called the Atlanta location up to verify this and to ask about their procedures. I found out when their Zumba classes were and plugged into my iphone the day/times of classes and the address of the Y. Did I go? No. It just didn't work out with my hosts' schedule one day but also, I didn't make it happen and I could have, if I was really really serious. So no exercise from Saturday-Tuesday.

How did I eat? Horribly. Food addiction is really very much like any other addiction. I recognized it in myself. I ate cupcake after cupcake and acknowledged as it was happening what I was doing. It was not out of my control to abstain. I consciously made the choice to eat more and more. I felt heavy and guilty afterwards but that didn't really change anything. I was involved in a system that I could not influence but instead of taking myself out of the system, I became part of it. These friends don't think about eating healthier or being more active. They quote reasons why they don't. While they are supportive of my efforts, they really don't care about them and don't want to integrate those habits into their own life. In fact, the sedentary overeating lifestyle is what they want and like and that is their every right. To talk more about myself and my newer habits become possibly offensive and seemingly judgmental and condescending. Instead of beating the system, I joined it. I enjoyed myself, but also found myself repeatedly thinking "I cannot live like this" and "I could not live this lifestyle again" and, most importantly, "I cannot wait to get back to my routine." So Saturday-Monday...over my calorie range every day. I tracked what I could and imagined the worst for the rest.

So what did I do when I got back? Wednesday and yesterday I ate under my calorie range...kept it at about 1000/day and got immediately back into the workouts. More than eating well, exercise is KEY for me. When I exercise, I automatically start eating better so I don't sabotage my efforts. I weighed in today and have lost 1 pound. I consider myself very very lucky and half expect I won't have a loss next week as repercussion for all the calories I ate. Maybe it won't happen, but maybe it will and if so, that's just what happens. Moving on and up and no use complaining about something I chose to do.

Yesterday was the best though. The hike. LOVED it. Hiking is something I used to really enjoy but over the years it had increasingly become something painful and unenjoyable because I'd fallen out of shape. I went with my manfriend and we kept a decent pace the entire time, with me leading half of the time. I asked him how he felt I did since he was with me the last time I hiked the same trail. He said I kept a brisker pace for longer and without as many breaks but, most noteable to him, I was far less irritable and grumpy about it. He said before, when I would get physically challenged, I would get really grouchy. He said I hadn't gotten grouchy at all but just rolled with the punches. If anything, I got quiet and that was it. In retrospect, I realize that during the multiple uphill stretches, I never got totally out of breath. Yes, I was very winded, but not dying and wanting to quit, as has happened before. It never even occurred to me that quitting was even an attractive option. I loved every minute of it. Even in the sunny, hot, uphill, drymouthed stretches. I felt back in my element. THIS part, this part is where the spirit of Holley is. I count this as a major NSV.

It's the last day of my work vacation today and I need to do some major housework before going back to the grind on Monday. Maybe it will amount to a workout and maybe it won't. At some point I'll go on out, take on the day, and get some sort of workout in. I'm hooked on it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2150 days ago
    The best part about falling down is getting back up again. We all fall in our efforts, winners get back up. And you've proved that you're a winner.
    2150 days ago
    Great blog! I could feel myself wanting to rush in and get you out of there...sweep you off to the Spa! You will make peace with yourself! During your hike- I loved that you could see the results from your hard work! It is paying off and gaining momentum!
    2150 days ago
    emoticon We can all have a whoops day, it what you do the day after that counts.
    2150 days ago
    emoticon Awesome job getting right back on track!
    2151 days ago
    You are a new women- backslide or not. You need to celebrate that! Throw out the guilt of making the mistake of falling into old routines - it happens when people are not supportive around us. Be glad you are not there all the time - it is better for you! At some point you will be strong enough - wise enough to not let it happen. Right now - you really made progress. You tucked that episode under your arm and said "no way you are dragging me down" as you quickly ran to your workout. You did it!

    It is not easy - dealing with desire even when you know what is better. It is not easy - when others are doing it - and you can't even share your thoughts/feelings about the subject. Instead - we don't want to be different - we want to remember the good old days - even though they never truly existed (at least, not in that way).

    You are on a different path - one that will lead you places - awesome places! In the end - you will not regret this one bit. Just keep doing what you are doing - and slide those mistakes off your back like the little nuisances (and learning tools) that they are. You - my friend - are AWESOME!

    2151 days ago
    There is so much I could relate to (falling into the same habits as friends when around them), having friends who don't want to change their habits, not wanting to offend them by talking healthy.... I go through that with my coworker A LOT.

    And there is so much I WANT to be able to relate to soon. Like being able to be physically active without as much pain and grief. The other night my sister and I were talking about our recent day at the Outlets. She mentioned she would be going back with a friend and I asked her why wasn't I invited (jokingly). She asked me if I even really had a good time because it seemed all I did was grumble in pain and look for the next bench to take a break. I honestly had not even noticed that!!! I thought it was obvious we were all tired from the long day and looking forward to sitting. But then I remembered how when they forgot someone on the other side of the plaza I waited for them in a shoe store that had a seat. I didn't want to waste energy going back and forth so early in the day. That is my new reality. Saving up resources to get through the day. Feels like it will be like this forever but I guess it does get better the more you push yourself to be active.

    I'm very proud of you!!!

    2151 days ago
    Woo hoo! See - you came back and hit the ground... hiking! And moving! And that is what really matters, not the fact that you relaxed a bit when you were away!

    You've got this, you're pushing forward, don't look back except to remember the lessons learned!
    2151 days ago
    Love this blog :-). So happy you made those discoveries while you were away. A change of scenery is often the only way we really SEE things we miss when they're part of our every-single, live-a-day life. I could almost FEEL, for myself what it was like to be with your friends...and yet be so far removed from their behavior...unwittingly joining in, but knowing this isn't who or what you are anymore. I FELT youur desire to get back to our new NORMAL :-).

    I'm so grateful and happy for you to be back in your healthy, happy groove, Holly!! We sure did miss you here!

    love you,
    2151 days ago
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