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one step forward, two steps back....

Monday, May 27, 2013

this past week has been so taxing, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. i wasn't sleeping since my mind was so troubled with issues, i was only getting 3-5 hours a night (interrupted often). then the next day, being sleep deprived, the cycle would continue, eating to self-medicate the anxiety and sleeplessness, too tired to work out, which left me feeling guilty thus the continued spiral down. by friday, i was inconsolable. my wonderful hubby stepped in comforted me, i was able to function, and able to sleep for 7 hours (which is HUGE, since i am pretty much an insomniac).

these past couple of days, i was still trying to recoup, but still extremely exhausted, which made my eating still horrible. geesh, food is my "drug of choice". someone put it really well, by saying, unlike smoking or drugs or alcohol, you can totally quit, but when it comes to food, you hafta still eat. this makes it hard.

i DID go to the dojo and train with my daughter, not as long as i would have normally wanted, but i did go, and i sweated (which i call my, "liquid-awesomeness"!). and my hubby, gently coaxed me over to the neighbor's house for a cook out. it was nice, but when you hafta fake EVERYTHING (when you are depressed), it really is draining. but i am glad that i went, i could have been at home, sitting on the couch, not interacting at all, with anyone. so going was a plus.

i was on a good streak of eating right and exercising, and this past week, just really sent me in a tailspin. i am upset with myself for not having the strength to take a walk, or eat a banana, or try relaxation, visualization techniques... or PRAYER. which makes me very sad and ashamed that i didn't call on my Father...

Matthew 6:25-34

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

i THINK my mind is in a better place now, although, it is not totally healed, i think i can move forward. i know that i was making real strides and it still bothers me that i ate and didn't exercise, making my weight go right back up.

but i am gonna dust myself off and continue to move forward... i know that i can still do what i have set out to do, and i have 179 more days... so although i have taken two steps back, i have dug in my heels, and am gonna move forward.

would ask for prayers for faith remembering that the Lord loves me and will be with me, and help me, also for strength, not to lose weight, not will power... but the strength to keep going. as i will continue to pray for all my spark friends, thanking God for blessing me with you.

blessings and love to you all.

p.s. sorry that this blog isn't a joking kind of blog... kinda a "whiny" blog... guess i should've put a disclaimer! emoticon

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Your blogs so help me. You express the inner parts so well and find scripture that fits. I am so grateful you have a DH that is there for you. I can so totally relate to the reference of food vs drugs or alcohol. Thanks for sharing. I will continue to pray for you. Sincerely, Julia
    1850 days ago
    emoticon Sorry things have been so tough :( It's true that we have a really awesome God who sees and takes care of us, even when we can't take care of ourselves. Remember, you are more precious than the emoticon of the air! I'm finding that sometimes when we work through some of that inner stuff, we realize that we were holding onto the weight for other reasons (like a wall of protection) and that God really can work through that when we give it to him, and we will naturally see changes!
    1851 days ago
    I've been where you are. Hang in there. Celebrate your successes. Don't dwell on the missteps in your journey. You can get back on track, and you will. Have faith! emoticon
    1853 days ago
    No disclaimer needed! I had a "binge" day yesterday. I ate just to eat. I wasn't hungry, but everything sounded good, so I ate. Some of it was graduation party leftovers, some wasn't. I went to bed feeling bloated and yucky.

    Today was a new day. I kept busy and I'm actually under calories today. I ran 8.05 miles and rode horses for 90 minutes. Lots of exercise, smart eating and I feel better.

    You recognize the pattern and you are working on it. That's all you can do. Write yourself a note and post it somewhere you can read it the next time you are wanting "to take steps backwards." Put a list of other things you can do than eat, next to it. You are a strong person and emoticon Your husband and daughter are there to support you. You have all of us on Spark to lean on, too!

    You've got this now!!!! emoticon One of my favorite sayings is Let Go. Be
    Google the message. I had a bracelet with that on it and now it's on my road id. It's a good thing to live by!!!
    1853 days ago
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